If you were abused as a child, how have you moved on from it as an adult, esp when that parent is now older?

[ForestFeast]

As a young adult I just tried to keep away as best as possible, left home at 16

Tried to talk to her about it, about 20 years ago,
was my mum, with emotional and some physical abuse.
She just denies it all, amd gaslights tried to rewrite history, then acts like a victim etc
So there's no resolving or even simple, sorry or even her expressing she wishes she hadn't been like that
Guess she denies it to herself
But deep down must know

So fine realised there was no resolving it, so not even mentioned last 20 years

Love my siblings, and thir kids dearly
So imdont want to lose my relationship with them
They didn't experience this abuse, but one of them was thegolden child and I can see that that is actually kinda of damaging in a way for that person too,probably feels guilty for witnessing things that child shouldn't have
Probably carries guilt, and I can see how negatively being the golden child is

Anyway so last 20 years, I've tried to keep an emotional distance, with mum, try not to share anything personal as it will be used against me
There have been times when I've ben sucked in
But she will often use anything to try to hurt me
No idea why she does this

Dad doed a few years ago now

So last 20 years hasn't been too bad I guess I've accepted it
But the past couple of years been challenging due to her ill health and so os many hospital and Dr appointments etc

Amd I'm trying to navigate this time
I dont want to cut her off as I feel that would actually just cause loads of drama and I don't want it to affect the relationships with siblings and their kids
So any tips?
Just finding this stage challenging

I know exactly where you're coming from. I had similar with my mother.

I wasted so many years trying to navigate my relationship with her and I really wish I hadn't bothered.

My advice to you would be to drop the rope and go very low contact with her, with a view to completely cutting contact if that works for you.

The healing journey takes a very long time when you have experienced abuse from your own mother. Therapy would be helpful, although you can find a lot of resources online now that can help you to unpick the messed-up dynamics of your relationship with her. (Check out Dr Ramani on YouTube.)

Number One: know that this was not your fault. You didn't deserve such a shit mother. You will be grieving for that loss. It's terribly hurtful to the child within you.

Naybe you're right
Maybe thats the only real way

Oh yep i also watch and listen to Dr Ramani
She's exactly asshe describes literally to a t, a massive narcissistic idiot

I've also read toxic parents, read that before the confrontation 20 years ago
Which as I've said got nowhere

So I've Accepted it, I've accepted that's what happemd it was awful and it has affected me
I keep contact to a minimum
I don't tell her stuff
Try not to give any ammo etc

It's just these swipes and hpnegatuve comparisons I need to steal myself against, formulate a plan and don't key her bring me down as for some bizarre reason that's what she wants

Maybe its should go nc but in a weird way, I think she would actually love it, as it will cause loads of drama
It would almost be like playing into her hands

@ForestFeast you don't need to steel yourself for her words. They are not about you, they are about her. Once you accept that, they will just float over and not touch the sides. I used to get so hurt, so upset and would need days to recover but now I can honestly say it means nothing to me. I feel vaguely sorry for her that her mind is so full of unpleasantness but that's about it.

I never planned to go NC. It just happened one day. I was at my mother's house and something just snapped inside me. I walked out, never went back, and never saw or spoke to her again. She died a few years later. I felt nothing but relief. In fact, I realised some time later that I never loved her. It was just trauma bonding.

I also went NC with my siblings. Haven't seen or spoken to them for years now. I have no intention of going back.

The thing with fucked up families is that everybody is part of the screwed-up dynamic. I was the family punch bag. Physical and emotional.

I don't regret my decision for a moment and my life is so much better without them.

Yes I hear you, but when it comes to negatively comparing grandchildren I feel I need to stand up to it.
But you're right about the feeling sorry for them, I actually do feel sorry for her as her life is so boring. Even if she had one good friend to do things with like a nice lunch etc she would be happier but people don't like her swipes

Everything good in my life us down to luck.
You've been so lucky.....

I've done it inspite of all I've gone through

Yes it's definitely trauma bonding and I totally agree everyone is somehow involved in this screwed up dynamic
That's why talking about it won't change anything

@ForestFeast I explained to my DC that their Granny says mean things but it doesn't matter because it is what I say that is important. I did my damndest to madly deflect and distract when they were small to minimise exposure to her awful behaviour. I'd always ensure that on our way home we turned anything that she had said into a giant joke to minimise any impact it could have on them. My DC are in their 20s now and they know exactly what the deal with her is.

Remember all narcissists want a reaction, they don't really care what the reaction is. The less reaction you give, the less reward there is for them.

Yes that's what she wants the feeling she's got to you.... irs so bloody pathetic

She rarely sees my kids,the negative comments are made to me, comparing grandkids

I'm sitting here thinking why do I even bother letting her get to me ! I've been through far far worse with her

@ForestFeast be kind to yourself. This is difficult shit to deal with. You're doing so well. You spent years under her roof constantly exposed to this stuff, it is easy to slip back into childhood patterns where what our parents said really mattered and we weren't safe unless we were pleasing them.

Take a breath and remember that you are safe now in your own home and just pause and let all that adrenalin, fear and anger subside. Don't let her head get inside yours. Those awful things she says are all her thoughts and all her poison and that's where they can stay - with her. Don't let them into your own mind anymore.

Yes I've just got to let her stop getting to me,she's ot a nice person and its that simple
I've gone rough far worse with her so I can do this
I'm going to go right down to the lowest contact possible

When she make a swipe, I'll say
What a bizarre thing to say

Are you OK with a puzzled look on my face

I'll be bright and breezy and extra happy
Unphased un bothered

The next comparison I'll say something bright and breezy and unbothered
? Ay any tips with this
All I can think of is I don't believe in comparing
As that just ends it

Unless you've got any better suggestions at this?specific problem

And just use everything I've got in me to not let her get to me
Don't let her suck me in

Thank you to everyone single one of you takling to me about this, sorry if you've been though shit that makes this relatable to you

just talking to you about this and getting some ideas of tactics going forward has really helped so thanks for the listening and understanding
Thanks for helping me try to move forward and past all this shit

The thing is that you're still engaging with her. When you respond to her nasty little digs with a bright and breezy response, you're actually still playing the game with her.

Any relationship that requires "tactics" to navigate is toxic.

She's a nasty piece of work and you can choose whether or not to continue engaging with her.

Think about how you would handle this if it was a stranger, or some random person saying these horrid things to you. Would you put up with that? No. So why subject yourself to such behaviour from her?

You've been dealing with her shitty behaviour for so long that it's skewed your perspective of what is and isn't acceptable in your life.

She'll never change. If anything she'll get worse with age.

You can choose to free yourself of her, just as you might do with a really shitty boyfriend who says nasty stuff to you.

Oh yes if she wasn't my mother I'd have nothing to do with her

I just don't want to face loads of drama
By going no contract something she would probably love so she can get loads of attention

And I'm fully aware that having to have tactics to deal with a person is a sure sign they are toxic
I know she will never change I fully accepted that 20 years ago

@ForestFeast if you can, aim for "grey rock" kind of responses. Not bright and breezy but more like "ok" or "I see what you mean" or "fair enough" or "you may have a point" or those kind of meaningless responses that sound vaguely like agreement but are not really anything at all. You are literally just acknowledging that she has spoken out loud, that is all.

I definitely wouldn't ask my mother "are you ok" after a nasty comment, which I know some online advisers suggest using with narcissists. My mother would let me have it with both barrels and I would be on the receiving end of a long diatribe about how she was not ok and how all of it was my fault. I think that approach might work in an office where there is an audience, but it certainly wouldn't work in my home environment.

Yeah maybe grey rock would be better just devoid of anything
As the bright and breezy will probably irritate her and chase her to make more swipes

Only other idea is move abroad 😂

It's like a no win option of standing up for yourself and giving a reaction
Bring bright and breezy and unbothred which will piss her off and cause more swipes
Or grey rock but that kinda allows her to walk, over me with nasty comments

I sometimes put on an imaginary space suit, I mime stepping into it, zipping it up, pulling on the helmet. It is my magical suit, Teflon in every way, nothing can reach me or hurt me.

That’s actually really cool

You need to put your mental health first - if its too much on your siblings, outside services can be sought
Explain it to your siblings, they will go one of 2 ways
'sure we understand why you need to step back, thats fine'
or
"suck it up you have to help, no matter what' - this answer would make me reconsider the relationship with them entirely honestly cos that says to me they willing to have you be the punching bag and still take on the work

We actually are NC with MIL right now, as of a couple days ago and comparing us and the grandkids is part of the reason why
We always get put down, our or our 14yo achievements not as good as bil and his kids, they normal, we strange - said in the most hate filled tone
We used to just talk up what we or our kid did and fob off her comments and judgements but it eats away evidently cos it came up in the big blow up over the weekend so i dont think just brushing it off with no change on their end is wise in the end
But getting them to change is impossible

If you still want to help, Id look at others ways to help that dont involve you in person
financial only type thing

You have every right to move past and not cop the abuse or swipes from her and i would hope siblings understand that

Toxic is toxic, family or not

Sorry how do you mean it came up on the big blowout ? You told them that was annoying you the negative comparisons ?

do you know what tho I feel so much better already just talking to you all about this

i know she don’t change
I fully accept that
I just don’t want to let her get to me
I’m going to increase the distance
and that’s a good idea about maybe just providing financial assistance
so much less personal

I’m not going to let her grind me down as I know that that’s what she wants for some insane reason

I’m not going to let her cause any more damage than she already has
I can’t control what she’s done and did to me as a child
but I can control what I do now

I would contact my siblings and say that for you NC is the only way to save your sanity but that you appreciate they may have
had different experiences and you value your relationships with them.
Then I would go NC no drama just drop off contact and block. You don't actually have to announce it to your DM.

I don’t what I go that far as that will just cause other problems like at weddings birthdays Xmas etc
I just need to reduce her down as bit character like an extra
irrelevant

Want