‘She needs you more than you need her.’
That’s how I keep a lid on it in my mind. I also recommend therapy!
As to the swipes. You can just say ‘right that’s me away.’ If she says ohhh are you walking out in a huff just say ‘not at all mum, I’d love to stay, but it’s time to go.’
Repeat -
She Needs You More Than You Need Her.
I Can Walk Away.
Some part of us gets trapped forever in the mindset of a child. Usually when the abuse had the maximum damaging effect. There’s likely a bit of your brain that needs help getting out of that. I mean, you won’t immediately by any magic words, I think therapy certainly helps, but in the meantime what you can do is remind yourself daily that you don’t actually need to put up with any of it anymore. It’s amazing what you can do in terms of coping with pressure when you realise you’ve got a choice. When it gets too much - bugger off home! What will actually happen?
The fog (fear obligation and guilt) needs to lift. So in a way there’s still a bit of fear - you love your siblings and your nieces and nephews and that’s why you’re willing to put up with it, in case there’s a rupture with your mum that has a knock-on effect with them. But you don’t need to ever fall out with her. You are quite entitled, as an adult, to say ‘I need to go.’ ‘I can’t do that.’ Start there and see how you get on.
As to the obligation and guilt. You know how reasonable people behave, right? You sound a balanced and sensitive person. So - just don’t join in with the crazy. If she’s playing games, let her. As to responses to the swipes, I have a thing I do where I agree. So-and-so hoovered the whole house? Aw, that’s nice. They’re a nice person aren’t they? Let her try and get her dig in - who cares!
If it’s about your kids, I would be inclined to say ‘I wouldn’t like X to hear you say that. That would hurt her a lot.’ See what she says then. Cos if she escalates, and is trying to start a fight, that’s your chance to say ‘okay - I’ll need to go.’ Personally, if you haven’t done it before, I’d be inclined to do it once or twice and see if she catches on.
To your siblings, you need simply say, Mum was being a bit unkind about one of my kids and I couldn’t see any benefit to continuing the conversation. If they don’t like that, well, let them. And also, let them do the work.
If you don’t like a conversation, don’t have it. If it’s not feeling right for you, just don’t do it. Definitely never do more than you’re comfortable doing. It sounds massively simple but I know it’s hard in practice, especially when you’re physically stuck with them. I have been in a few nightmare scenarios and I actually felt myself turn back into an eleven year old. It was black and desperate. For those, I genuinely don’t know. I don’t have an answer. I probably need to speak to a professional myself about that. Or start a thread of my own. Whatever doesn’t kill you, I suppose. I’m already actively planning how I’ll avoid a repeat though.
For the low-key daily nonsense, I just go bland. ‘Oooh that’s lovely/terrible/whatever.’ I actually don’t mind it as much cos I know my DH and older kids also clock it and and we speak about it later and I tell them ‘well, don’t ever let me get like that.’ I hope to God I’m a better parent. I hope I’ve broken the cycle.
I do remember hearing the folk wisdom that ‘the worse you are as a parent the better you’re treated when you’re old.’ Insofar as it’s somewhat true in my anecdotal experience (it’s not a blanket rule, don’t come at me) I’d say it’s because abused kids turn into adults who are always stuck in that childlike hope that somehow it’ll get better. If you’re nice enough they’ll be nice too. It’s a headwreck, a ball-ache and a fucking living nightmare at times. But if you’re not going to tell them to fuck off, what’s the strategy?
Do your best but remember - they had you, not vice versa. You don’t need to be a whipping boy. She needs you more than you need her. It’s only favours you’re doing her, you’re not her mother.
TLDR; the door swings both ways. Limit your contact to what you can live with at minimal personal cost. Get some mental boundaries up and stick to them. Bland is annoying to agitators and hard to argue with. If it’s really out of line - vote with your feet.
You have my absolute sympathy!