Summary: I can't manage home management tasks unless I'm mentally ready, but my husband is always ready to sort the home out. It really stresses me out.
Bear with me. I don't even know how to put this into words but it has been causing me stress and I can't find a way to express this to my husband even though we can talk about anything normally.
I was an only child and my mum didn't work. I'm assuming that she got most of her housework done when I was at school but I do remember her doing jobs and giving me chores to help out on Saturday. She kept a tidy enough house but it wasn't anything like a show home and I know she didn't really value housework much, so long as things were decent enough, which they were. My dad was the breadwinner, and a very typical dad from my generation; didn't do any housework! For context, I think both my parents are neurodiverse (I don't know why this is relevant but I feel it is).
I was always very messy, scatty, disorganised, forgetful and if I'm honest, dirty. When I left home to go to uni, my room was an absolute tip. I never did the dishes or cleaned after cooking and looking back, I was disgusting. My mental health was very poor too, and there was a chicken-egg situation with regard to my environment. I was drinking excessively and was actually a mess, living in squalor, not going to lectures and eventually got kicked out of uni. My parents got me sorted out, I had counselling, went on anti depressants and eventually retrained and had a fresh start. This time, I lived like a normal person, caring for my surroundings to higher degree and keeping on top of things.
I met my husband, who is incredibly clear minded and level headed, focused and full of productive energy. I was still messy and housework took me a very long time, which he tolerated and at the time was much tidier than me.
After we had kids, I suddenly felt a really strong urge to keep the place clean and tidy. In the past, if the living room was messy at the end of the day, I'd just leave it and go to bed. Now, I always make sure that before I go to bed, the dishes are done, the surfaces are wiped, dishwasher put on, floor swept, that the living room is tidy, throws and cushions neatly arranged and floor is swept. This might seem like the most basic thing to most of you but it is something I've trained myself to do.
I have an order of priorities; living room and kitchen and hallway area need to be kept tidy, with floors swept and surfaces clean and this needs to happen before I tackle anything else. Unfortunately, I'm rarely able to tackle anything else because this seems to take up so much of my efforts. It seems to hurt my brain to do anything beyond this, unless this is done first.
We have small kids and both work full time. My husband more than does his share but the way he does it makes me really stressed.
My husband (rightfully) wants to keep on top of the laundry, sort out clutter (there is a lot but it's never on show) And take care of other aspects of running a home. He just does it so quickly and in such a an overwhelming day. When I lie in at the weekend, I get up and the living room isn't tidy, there will be crumbs over the surfaces, the cushions and throws all over the place but about 2 loads of washing will have been done with a pile of dirty clothes dumped in front of the washing machine ready to be put in. This completely freaks me out but I don't know how to say it. I just freeze up. (I'm not scared of my husband btw). I will the have to sort out the wet clothes or maybe there will be clothes hanging drying everywhere and I need to then start dealing with those. I wouldn't mind at all if the the living room and kitchen were done first.
My husband said we needed to sort a lot of our old stuff and it freaked me out because my brain freezes up when I have to sort. I have to prepare my mind to sort things out and can't just spring from not sorting to sorting (if that makes sense). He will then go around filling bags for charity shops/the dump and I just freeze. I will see him putting stuff I want to keep but I freeze up and can't say it in case I am then invited to participate in the sorting out process. It's not laziness, it just breaks my brain and I can't cope with the decisions! This means bags of stuff piled up in our hallway ready to be taken away, and all I can think is 'the kitchen and living room are a mess'.
I cannot proceed with anything until that's done but I worry that if I say to my husband, can you.make sure the kitchen and living room are tidy before embarking on your other jobs, he might tell me where to go (when he is tackling stuff i wont even think about). My issue is that when it comes to housework and running a home, my brain totally scrambles and I just can't discuss it.
When my husband is ever away, less stuff gets done but the home is always tidier on the surface and I feel calmer. I get through the washing at a much slower pace, often shoving it down in the basket until I feel mentally ready to deal with it. I have to build myself up to take the rubbish out, but it's all neatly squashed down in the bins.
I work in a professional role that im successful in, and have my own system for keeping on top of that. My desk, however, is a disaster and gets out of control very easily. I have a tray that I just stick everything in and every so often I sort it when I can face it.
Aside from this, I am a very happy person, happy marriage, great kids, lots of friends, fulfilling job etc but this situation really, really bothers me and I need someone to help me unpick this so I can talk to my husband about it without saying words that sound like a broken egg!
Every time he wants to sort stuff out or do some kind of house admin I freeze up and I think he just thinks I'm lazy. People say 'give everything a home and make sure you put it there straightaway'. This saying freaks me out! For context, my mother in law keeps a show home and makes cleaning and keeping a home look so easily. Sometimes I ask myself 'what would MIL do in this situation' and the answer will be simple stuff like 'she would put these clothes in each child's respective drawer'.
Sorry this is so long, but it's in the hope that if one person identifies with this, then I will feel less alone and can maybe figure out how to move forward. Oh, we have a cleaner come once a month (my husband organised this) and have a robot vacuum cleaner (which I love!).
Husband also takes care of all the car stuff and life admin because this all scrambles my brain too :-(
Edited to add That growing up, we had a junk room which was a spare room that everything got flung into. I don't have one of those!