The way my brain works and housework: dilemma with husband

[Eegokeennow]

Summary: I can't manage home management tasks unless I'm mentally ready, but my husband is always ready to sort the home out. It really stresses me out.

Bear with me. I don't even know how to put this into words but it has been causing me stress and I can't find a way to express this to my husband even though we can talk about anything normally.

I was an only child and my mum didn't work. I'm assuming that she got most of her housework done when I was at school but I do remember her doing jobs and giving me chores to help out on Saturday. She kept a tidy enough house but it wasn't anything like a show home and I know she didn't really value housework much, so long as things were decent enough, which they were. My dad was the breadwinner, and a very typical dad from my generation; didn't do any housework! For context, I think both my parents are neurodiverse (I don't know why this is relevant but I feel it is).

I was always very messy, scatty, disorganised, forgetful and if I'm honest, dirty. When I left home to go to uni, my room was an absolute tip. I never did the dishes or cleaned after cooking and looking back, I was disgusting. My mental health was very poor too, and there was a chicken-egg situation with regard to my environment. I was drinking excessively and was actually a mess, living in squalor, not going to lectures and eventually got kicked out of uni. My parents got me sorted out, I had counselling, went on anti depressants and eventually retrained and had a fresh start. This time, I lived like a normal person, caring for my surroundings to higher degree and keeping on top of things.

I met my husband, who is incredibly clear minded and level headed, focused and full of productive energy. I was still messy and housework took me a very long time, which he tolerated and at the time was much tidier than me.

After we had kids, I suddenly felt a really strong urge to keep the place clean and tidy. In the past, if the living room was messy at the end of the day, I'd just leave it and go to bed. Now, I always make sure that before I go to bed, the dishes are done, the surfaces are wiped, dishwasher put on, floor swept, that the living room is tidy, throws and cushions neatly arranged and floor is swept. This might seem like the most basic thing to most of you but it is something I've trained myself to do.

I have an order of priorities; living room and kitchen and hallway area need to be kept tidy, with floors swept and surfaces clean and this needs to happen before I tackle anything else. Unfortunately, I'm rarely able to tackle anything else because this seems to take up so much of my efforts. It seems to hurt my brain to do anything beyond this, unless this is done first.

We have small kids and both work full time. My husband more than does his share but the way he does it makes me really stressed.

My husband (rightfully) wants to keep on top of the laundry, sort out clutter (there is a lot but it's never on show) And take care of other aspects of running a home. He just does it so quickly and in such a an overwhelming day. When I lie in at the weekend, I get up and the living room isn't tidy, there will be crumbs over the surfaces, the cushions and throws all over the place but about 2 loads of washing will have been done with a pile of dirty clothes dumped in front of the washing machine ready to be put in. This completely freaks me out but I don't know how to say it. I just freeze up. (I'm not scared of my husband btw). I will the have to sort out the wet clothes or maybe there will be clothes hanging drying everywhere and I need to then start dealing with those. I wouldn't mind at all if the the living room and kitchen were done first.

My husband said we needed to sort a lot of our old stuff and it freaked me out because my brain freezes up when I have to sort. I have to prepare my mind to sort things out and can't just spring from not sorting to sorting (if that makes sense). He will then go around filling bags for charity shops/the dump and I just freeze. I will see him putting stuff I want to keep but I freeze up and can't say it in case I am then invited to participate in the sorting out process. It's not laziness, it just breaks my brain and I can't cope with the decisions! This means bags of stuff piled up in our hallway ready to be taken away, and all I can think is 'the kitchen and living room are a mess'.

I cannot proceed with anything until that's done but I worry that if I say to my husband, can you.make sure the kitchen and living room are tidy before embarking on your other jobs, he might tell me where to go (when he is tackling stuff i wont even think about). My issue is that when it comes to housework and running a home, my brain totally scrambles and I just can't discuss it.

When my husband is ever away, less stuff gets done but the home is always tidier on the surface and I feel calmer. I get through the washing at a much slower pace, often shoving it down in the basket until I feel mentally ready to deal with it. I have to build myself up to take the rubbish out, but it's all neatly squashed down in the bins.

I work in a professional role that im successful in, and have my own system for keeping on top of that. My desk, however, is a disaster and gets out of control very easily. I have a tray that I just stick everything in and every so often I sort it when I can face it.

Aside from this, I am a very happy person, happy marriage, great kids, lots of friends, fulfilling job etc but this situation really, really bothers me and I need someone to help me unpick this so I can talk to my husband about it without saying words that sound like a broken egg!

Every time he wants to sort stuff out or do some kind of house admin I freeze up and I think he just thinks I'm lazy. People say 'give everything a home and make sure you put it there straightaway'. This saying freaks me out! For context, my mother in law keeps a show home and makes cleaning and keeping a home look so easily. Sometimes I ask myself 'what would MIL do in this situation' and the answer will be simple stuff like 'she would put these clothes in each child's respective drawer'.

Sorry this is so long, but it's in the hope that if one person identifies with this, then I will feel less alone and can maybe figure out how to move forward. Oh, we have a cleaner come once a month (my husband organised this) and have a robot vacuum cleaner (which I love!).

Husband also takes care of all the car stuff and life admin because this all scrambles my brain too :-(
Edited to add That growing up, we had a junk room which was a spare room that everything got flung into. I don't have one of those!

Sorry, I mean that I personally can't tackle anything else in the home until the main living areas are tidied. The rest gets tidied regularly but the other rooms take priority.

I think thats a strategy of avoidance though?

I don't think so, it's making sure you have a sanctuary if the rest of it is too much for you.

The way you pack the dishwasher isn’t normal 😆. Same here in fact my dh unpacks it and starts again so I don’t bother any more. Have you considered just being kind to yourself and accepting yourself as you are

Yes it sounds like ADHD, which i have. I get anxious about lack or order and chaos but sorting stuff out seems so overwhelming that I just can't get started. It's as if my brain thinks if I can't do it all in one go there is no point. I took some days off in December with the aim if decluttering before Christmas but apart from doing some time critical essential tasks (present shopping and wrapping) i didn't get anything done. I kept trying to plan it in my head and decide what to do first and suddenly the whole day had gone.

What does work, though stopping procrastinating and getting started is still tricky is to give myself a single bite sized task. Last Sunday it was clearing out the tupperware cupboard. I gave myself half an hour, it actually took longer but I got rid of so much crap and was delighted with it. I couldn't believe how much better I felt about it and about myself. Today I'm going to tackle the shoe rack ...

I manage to keep the house tidy on the surface but the chaos lurking in crammed full drawers and cupboards scares me. A few years ago I Marie Kondo-ed the whole house and it was amazing. Managed to keep it like that for a few years then we moved to a bigger house and it didn't seem important to be so brutal/minimal as there seemed to be loads of space so I lapsed and now it's filled up and chaos again.

Your OP describes my home life very accurately! I am exactly the same.

you have a problem with executive function. It is not uncommon but really hard to deal with. No answers I'm afraid. Buy less stuff? Probably ASD or ADHD. Personally I'm like your DH and find people like yourself very difficult to deal with.

You have different priorities. I always start with the washing because so much of “washing time” is waiting - waiting for the machine, waiting for the tumble dryer, waiting for stuff to dry by itself. By doing 10 minutes of labour at the beginning you can then do nothing for 2 hours but be 2 hours further on. And then 10 more minutes labour and then do nothing for 36 hours while it dries. If you put off doung the washing until Sunday night then your clothes will not be dry by Monday morning.

Dh, on the other hand, is like you. He prioritises visible cleaning of the main rooms.

And actually this is a good thing! If we were both like me then the washing would be done but we would sit in squalor all weekend. If we were both like Dh then the kitchen would be immaculate but all our washing would still be soggy on a Monday morning.

Can you and your Dh learn to embrace the fact that between you have different priorities and each play to your strengths. If you are worried that you are not doing enough then can you find another job that fits in your “comfort zone” and start doing it. Maybe putting washing away when it is dry?

No it isn't, honestly. I feel like the main areas are my baseline and ìf they aren't tidy, I feel out of control.

You are definitely ND.

(So am I)

Yes I do that, I hang all the wet washing up to dry, then bring it all in to air it a day or so later and then sort it so it all goes to the right person. We have an open garage thing so can line dry everything.
I really like your answer by the way. Thanks.

Hello, are you me??!!

I find myself difficult to deal with at times! 😄

I could have written your post!! I am autistic and the stars really have to align for me to manage housework!

I have to use little tricks. I’ll set a 10 min timer and just start doing ANYTHING, usually by the time the 10 mins is up i can keep going otherwise i’ve done a bit and thats fine.

My dh is also rubbish at housework so i dont feel judged, i think if my parter didnt understand that would be really hard.

i am much more chilled about it these days, i dont want a main focus of my life to be “being good at housework”.

be kind to yourself, youve had some good suggestions of how to navigate this with your partner- but please dont think you are lazy.

OP I have ADHD and I’m similar to you. Especially with the driving. I failed 5 practical tests and gave up in the end. I didn’t understand road markings, or where my car was on the road in relation to other cars, can’t comprehend roundabouts… etc.

Before I was medicated I had a tendency to let laundry pile up and when it finally came to the point of me having to do it (i.e when I’d have zero clean clothes left) my brain would just go into meltdown. For me it’s having to sort/select from a huge pile which items need to go in. That completely overwhelms my brain and it has taken me up to an hour to perform that seemingly basic task in the past.

I’m medicated now and MUCH better. The brain scrambling happens much less often and I can get a task done if it needs doing, rather than going into mental meltdown for hours

This seems like an issue with sequencing. My son is being assessed for autism and I recognise something similar with him. He needs to do thing A before he can even consider thing B, and if we have to rearrange the order of things it scrambles his brain and he gets quite distressed. His response to distress is to lash out and it sounds like your response is to freeze.

Instead of fighting the way your brain works I would try and understand it more. Maybe you could look at being assessed for neuro diversity? Even if you aren't ND, this is clearly just the way your brain is set up so it's better to try and work with it than against it. I suggest talking to your husband about how his tidying methods make you feel and see if he can reach a compromise. Perhaps he can agree that no other projects are to be done unless the main rooms are done first?

You are reminding me of my dd. Extremely talented, artistic but hopeless on organising/ sorting. She also has all the issue you state with driving although with most learning things she is off the scale.
Recently her brother was diagnosed with ADHD and she is seeing more and more she may also have the ADD bit as not impulsive or hyper in any way. She has always found decisions difficult and would struggle with throwing out stuff. Luckily she is not into shopping so doesn't have much to throw but l am concerned about what she would be like with small children.
Ironically her dh is amazingly organised and quick and meticulous with tasks which is a blessing but l can imagine how his super organising could be stressful too. I used to feel guilty l hadn't trained her well but realise now it's her way as l am pretty much onto of things.
I would definitely look into ADHD in women.

No, it just means the rooms she spends the most time in looking around at are dealt with first, it's just prioritising

I don't know why everyone jumps to neurodivergence OP and I don't know why you wouldn't talk to him about it. You've explained it really well, just show him this thread.
There's literally memes all over the Internet about how nobody's partner does the dishwasher the way they want.
A simple conversation could solve a lot of things for you, don't martyr yourself and think you're a problem

I came on to say this, sounds like ND behaviour to me.

I have AUHD and if I feel any sort of pressure to do somthing, i just can't do it until the pressure had gone

Maybe try flylady and have days to do certain zones I always wash bedding on a Wednesday school uniform Saturday and the rest gets put on when I have enough for a load ironing is done Sunday washing up is daily before bed simple routine

I am very similar to you, I need my space to be visually tidy and clean, otherwise I feel very overwhelmed, but I just shove things in cupboards and drawers as quickly as possible because the thought of actually organising things overwhelms me too. My wife likes to leave huge piles of laundry that she’s sorted in colours out ready to washed or ironed and it really stresses me out. She also likes to spring big sort outs onto me and I panic, she’s tried a cleaning rota too, but I also hate the thought of it.

I do the majority of the cleaning now and as long as I can plan to do a sort out and I’m in the right frame of mind to do it then I will do them every so often to keep things relatively organised, my wife has just accepted this the way I am tbh! I score very highly for ADHD, but don’t get have a formal diagnosis.

I have a formal diagnosis of OCD - got it when I was in my 30s. In my case, obsessive ruminations.

However, at the grand old age of 64 it's been suggested that I have ASD and ADHD...and a lot of things now make sense to me. When I read your post, the first thing that came to my mind was ADHD.

I've spoken to my GP but she obviously doesn't see the point in getting a formal diagnosis at my age, but being aware of the issue has helped me to understand myself a bit better if that makes sense.

One of my cousin's kids was the first in the family to have a formal diagnosis of Asperger's and ADHD. Another cousin has two out of three grandsons with dyslexia. (They both did very well at uni.) One of the boys was diagnosed with ADHD at unit.

The only way that I can function is if there are things that I have to do or if I force myself to have routines.

I've discovered that another cousin a bit older than me also has OCD. Looking back, it's obvious that my mum, three of her male cousins and a great-uncle were on the spectrum.

I was a school middle manager. My desk at work was a ruddy mess, but my filing cabinets with coursework etc were immaculate - it was the only way that I could function.

I had everything sorted by year. Within that, everything was sorted by class and within that by alphabetical order. Each individual pupil's coursework had a checklist on the front.

When I got inspected, I told the inspector "I'd like to say that my room's not usually this messy, but I'd be lying."

However, she was very impressed (and surprised, I think) by the organisation of the coursework.

Part of my job included checking and packing up the coursework for my department each year. I had to have a set method: each class laid out on a desk in alphabetical order. Exam board checklists and envelopes on another desk.

Check each pupil's pack of coursework. Tick off the name. Insert pack of coursework in exam board envelope. Fill envelope with packets of ten. Insert checklist in envelope. Label envelope. Repeat until finished. It worked for me.

Now that I'm retired, I'm trying to implement systems at home. The Flylady website is quite good, but don't sign up for the emails whatever you do! (Finally worked out how to block them. They were overwhelming.)

I'm probably not helping by rambling on, OP. Just want to say that you're not alone.

Really?
Which one do you think I have? I don't have ADHD. I think I just have procrastination and very bad spatial awareness (affects tidying and filling the dishwasher and I'm bad at finding my way around a new place).

ficklebricks thank you for using the term sequencing upthread to give me a name for this.
OP I was just reading this thinking that what jumped out at me was the issue of not being able to get started unless it was done the same way. I have an autistic child and a son who I feel has ADHD traits but isn’t diagnosed. He describes this e.g. as a younger teenager if the day doesn’t start the way he intended/visualised (he overslept) then he would feel the whole day was ruined and he couldn’t do anything. I feel like the issue you describe here is quite suggestive of neurodiversity. It would be good to discuss it with your DH but I also feel you’re being quite hard on yourself for something that sounds like part of the way you’re wired. And you’re not just shrugging your shoulders and saying tough luck to your DH, you’re actively trying to address it. Give yourself credit for this ❤️