How can I make DS feel better about himself.

[Youagain2025]

Ds is 9 he's in year 5 . He has ASD and learning difficulties. Hes roughly at year 1 level . He has an EHCP.

The thing is he gets really upset and stressed yesterday the TA asked ds what he wanted to write TA wrote it for him . And ds had to copy it . TA asked ds if he can read it . But ds said he could not . And on the way home ds was upset and telling me that he's,stupid and he can't do things everyone else can , he's the only one . Then he's saying soon he will be on year 6. Then secondary school and he won't know anything that will be even worse etc .

I tried telling him the things he's good at . I said he's a fantastic gamer . And he scores reality good on the Wii. And hes good on his bike and his hoover board. I said he's kind. Always thinks about other people he's a fantastic friend. But it doesn't work he just says them things are different he's on about the academic side of things he says he's just crap .

Is it just a matter of keep telling him all the good things about him even if he doesn't feel that way just now and hoping if I keep saying it . He will begin to feel it.

He's in mainstream school

I think it is hard. We can big up being kind etc as much as we like but the message they get through school and friends outweighs this every single day.
Would he be better out of mainstream?

Basically, yes.

It's hard. Can you not think of anything academic that he is good at? I assume he knows his diagnosis? You can tell him it's not fair but that you will work with him to find a way around his difficulties. Is there any reason he can't dictate his work onto an iPad? Is it handwriting he can't read, or also printed text? Has he tried the dyslexic font? Can you find audiobooks of his school topics?

Praise his effort, not his results. DS once, about the same age, said his handwriting was awful, he didn't want me to see it, X's was so much better etc. I told him I didn't care what X's handwriting was like as I was never going to read X's work! He had never thought of it like that before.

Try to find something out of school that is non competitive. Eg wildlife Rangers via your local wildlife trust.

Maybe he would for secondary school. I think he has an assment in year 6 to see what type of secondary would work for him.

They should discuss transition at your y5 ehcp review.

No academic wise he's at year 1 level for everything. We can't really find a way round it . Because che won't do anything academic at home . Because it upsets him to much. Yes he knows hus diagnosis but I don't think he really understands what it means .

He can't read any type of writing Westgate his his an adults or printed.

I'm not sure what you mean by dictating his work onto an iPad?

Yes i definitely praise his efforts . I have told him many times its just about gong it a go and it doesn't matter if it's wrong and I explain we all get things wrong even adults but wr still try and it doesn't matter if it's wrong. Im just really proud of him for trying etc.

I was told it's in year 6

He won't do clubs etc it feels to much for him .

I may be wrong, my DD got her ehcp later, but I'm pretty sure I have seen y5 mentioned here on mn. Maybe worth checking on the SEN board.

My DD was always shattered after school.

Our local wildlife trust thing ran monthly only Dd started age 13 but I should have found it earlier.

Your OP said the TA asked him what he wanted to write, and he told the TA who wrote it. So I was wondering if there was any reason he isn't allowed to use a dictation/speech to text function on an iPad or computer.

DS also won't do any work at home. But he will game. We stopped reading instructions. We also bought some games for the iPad (dragon box numbers) and eggy phonics and teach your monster to read. He has a 30 minute gaming limit but educational games don't count.

I have 3DC who are full siblings. DC1 is a lot older than 2&3. They were never at school together.
2&3 are very close in age and were often compared. 2 struggled academically, 3 was gifted. It all felt so cruel and I hated that he said he felt stupid at school.
I played to his strengths and encouraged his hobbies to enable him to have 'wins.' He loved drumming lessons. We bought him an electric kit to practice with, anything he could see himself succeeding in.
He passed both his practical driving test first time, his siblings didn't. If I have a DIY job that needs doing I can guarantee he'll have an idea that none of us would ever have thought of. Above anything we encouraged anything that built confidence.
I found school to be a box ticking exercise that could never show DS how amazing he is.
It emerged that DS2 is ND. He has ADHD like his DF and elder DB. He has sparks of brilliance and we've always told him his brain is different to DC3 so there is no comparison. His condition, with its hyper focus, has actually helped him in life. He completed an engineering apprenticeship (electrical) in record time and now has a career he loves.

I think I would need to completely turn around his thinking about the importance of being good at schoolwork.
I'd get him to be completely lighthearted about it and tell him it's not the most important thing at all.

Being kind, a good friend, a helpful pupil, a positive influence, seeing the fun in life, thinking of others, understanding others - these things are very very very important.

Who cares if his reading takes a bit longer, who cares if maths isn't going to be a strongpoint, who cares if his writing isn't great.

When he becomes lighthearted about it, the stress will hopefully shift and things may become naturally a little easier.

Next time he comes home from school upset, ask him what would make him really happy right now (pizza, games, watch a film) and do that and leave the school worries behind.

Build up his happiness and his confidence will follow.

It's really isolating IME for a child working at a completely different level to everyone else in the class, I would consider looking at SEN schools tbh if that's an option as I would agree with him that I would expect things to only get worse. It's pretty impressive that he has that awareness IMO and I think you should listen to him. If there's another option where he won't feel so behind then I'd go with it, secondary can be absolutely soul destroying for a child that just struggles all through. I don't think you'll change his mind sadly while all he sees every day at school is that he is behind.

If he's a keen gamer has he been introduced to Scratch at school? Would that interest him at all? He might need you to help him at first but it might be worth checking out and trying because it's a really fun way into programming that doesn't require any typing. It might need a little reading of labels - but that might encourage him to want to read more. Programming to my ds (with ASD) makes more sense than anything else! Working now as a software engineer apprentice and loving it.

The other thing I'd say is to read to him every day, give him a love for reading because he won't yet be able to read the books that he'd enjoy himself.

Yeah I sort of do that . But he does not believe them things are important.

I normally say something like never mind the day has ended now let's get home and do something that you like.

But also it's hard because I don't want to close him down as I want him to know he can express how he feels. But also not to dwell on things or make him feel he has ti bottle things up.

Maybe make a section of time after school for him to vent it all out and express it. Then ask what went well (enjoyed lunchtime, helped hand out the rulers, enjoyed singing in assembly), then park it. Ask him to park it to. School is school.
Home is home and home is life.

I wish you all the best as I know how ditressing it is seeing your child struggle.

I worried so much about my son at this age and a colleague who had teenage boys kept reassuring me that they will come through it just fine. You try not to worry, stay positive.

My son is 15 now and is thriving despite being very behind at primary.
He's not very academic, but he's content and positive about his future.
my colleague was right.

The fact your son has you advocating for him, supporting him and loving him will be all the wind beneath his wings he needs.
Just keep doing what you're doing.

I'm not sending him to SEN school whilst at primary he's in year 5 it's not worth the upset.

I don't knlw with scratch would work for him because he can't take in information for very long . Si he could do something and then 10 mins later he won't knlw what he's meant to do.

Thank you . Yes I think your right . I have learning difficulties myself. I told ds I couldn't spell my own name till I was nine . And it all worked out in the end. Maybe your simlar. And he said but my(his) name is 3 letters, 3 letters just 3 . Do that didn't help.

Maybe it is just letting him express how he feels not making it to much of a thing. Then focus on the things he enjoys so he can leave it behinde.

He actually sounds really on the ball and bright. That's probably why he's finding it all so frustrating.
Could dyslexia be a factor? It's very often missed at school.

I don't know he has asd and learning difficulties so maybe that's in with it . I mean can they do dyslexia testing for a child who's sounding out 3 letter words and reading year 1 type books . 🤷‍♀️

Sent you a pm.

We were told once he was three years behind they could investigate dyslexia/dyscalculia.

Have you tried flash cards for reading? DS only figured out phonics once he'd learnt some words from flash cards.

Ds does not want me to do anything related to education with him at home it upsets him to much . He's had 6 hrs of school he needs the down time where he does not have to worry. For him school is for education. Home is fir him to relax and not worry.

You sound like you are very caring and encouraging and the situation sounds tough. However your son is point blank refusing to engage with any extra support to help him. Crying is not going to help him with his school work and he does have to understand that.

Dies he have learning difficulties or learning. disabilities?
As they are different, learning disabilities affect everything ,whereas learning difficulties csn affect specific areas of learning
Has He had a recent educational psychologist assessment as thst might be able ti direct you for a suitable secondary placement.

I personally would look for a SEN school sooner rather than later. Is it really worse for him to change schools than to feel that he utter failure who is getting left behind for another year?