How can I make DS feel better about himself.

[Youagain2025]

Ds is 9 he's in year 5 . He has ASD and learning difficulties. Hes roughly at year 1 level . He has an EHCP.

The thing is he gets really upset and stressed yesterday the TA asked ds what he wanted to write TA wrote it for him . And ds had to copy it . TA asked ds if he can read it . But ds said he could not . And on the way home ds was upset and telling me that he's,stupid and he can't do things everyone else can , he's the only one . Then he's saying soon he will be on year 6. Then secondary school and he won't know anything that will be even worse etc .

I tried telling him the things he's good at . I said he's a fantastic gamer . And he scores reality good on the Wii. And hes good on his bike and his hoover board. I said he's kind. Always thinks about other people he's a fantastic friend. But it doesn't work he just says them things are different he's on about the academic side of things he says he's just crap .

Is it just a matter of keep telling him all the good things about him even if he doesn't feel that way just now and hoping if I keep saying it . He will begin to feel it.

He's in mainstream school

You need to do more reading with him at home, not just assume school will do it all with him. Yes he has significant barriers to learning and yes school/academics isn’t everything, but the best way for him to feel less bad about his academic ability is to also help him to improve his academic ability!
eg if he wants to game, set a timer. How many hours is he currently on this each night versus reading together?
read book first THEN do gaming.
write first ten high frequency words 3x on a white board first, THEN do what he wants

you need to teach him that practice=improvement, this is a life lesson not just for academic stuff. Don’t allow his diagnosis to become an excuse for him and you.

That's really not helpful

I don't understand myself to be honest. He's not had a recent psychological assessment I'm told he will have one in year 6 . I will try and find his paper work out it will probably day in there somewhere

As in said he had 6 hrs of lessons at school. He's stressed/worried all day at school . Home is his safe space I'm not doing that to him. His mental health and happiness means so much more. He needs that safe space and down time. We he leaves them school gates he needs to know he's done for the day. Its not about excuses its about doing what's right for him.

Maybe you need to stand a little closer to Christ's love - the compassion hasn't soaked in yet.

I would stop bs him. He knows you’re just saying it to make him feel better, but he still has to go to school the next day.
you have to explain than that being good at something takes work and practice, and learning for some people is easier than for others. He has a diagnosis that means it is harder to understand and that is why he has a TA. If he wants to get rid of the TA, you will help him and talk to his teacher but it means working after school for half an hour every day and on weekends practicing things he may not enjoy.
He may say no but at least you have given him a choice. If he wants to give it ago, use a star chart to record his effort and give some rewards!

Can I suggest you and he look at the Childline website (www.childline.org.uk)? There is some really good info and ideas around difference, and building self-esteem on there.

He's doesn't hate school every day. He doesn't feel that everyday so when he gos back to school the next day that doesn't mean another bad day for him mentally and emotionally. He doesn't want to get rid of his TA ds really likes him. I have suggested to him we could practice at home in a fun way . He does not want to because he feels it's another preasure and if he gets it wrong he feels it's another fail.

Oh thank you . I never knew that thought it was just a helpline for children. I will definitely look.

You say you tell him he's a good gamer and he's good on the Wii, can you tell us what games he plays?

@toffeeappleturnip I'm a Christian but that did make me laugh!

OP, have you tried leaning in to what he's saying a bit more? I think our natural tendency when our kids are struggling with confidence in a particular area is to tell them all the other things they're good at. But i feel like sometimes what they need is for someone to validate their frustration and say "You're right. That's not your skills set at the moment. It might never be. And that must be really discouraging / lonely / embarrassing / whatever. I will always love you and be proud of you." Obviously keep praising all the things he's good at, but do that in a totally separate conversation. It's ok if he's not academic, and I think becoming comfortable with that will do more for his confidence than knowing that people are uncomfortable acknowledging it. Does that make any sense?
FWIW, I think you're doing the right thing by keeping home as his safe / non-academic place.

I will have to look when I'm home . One is like this little figure thing where he has to move objects use them to jump on and pull leavers abd stuff . Driving games ro blox mine craft

Thank you. Yes that definitely makes sense I never thought of it that way . I will think how to word it though as he may take it that in agree he's stupid. Yes home will stay his safe space

Following on from @Gotthemoozles point, look up Dr Becky at good inside (Instagram etc). She talks about this quite a bit, she calls it sitting on the bench with them

I don't have insta . Would she be other places?

Finally someone who speaks common sense

That's your opinion which is fine. That may well work for some people which would be fantastic. Just not for my child that's all .

I think some posters are underestimating the impact it could have on a child to spend 6hrs in school trying to do stuff they can't, only to come home and be asked to spend yet more time on the same stuff when they are already exhausted from trying all day.
The definition of stupidity is trying the same thing over and over but expecting a different outcome.
It all gives the impression people think the child is just not trying hard enough.

Your DS has significant difficulties at school, the day must be exhausting for him and you are right to keep home his safe space by not pushing him more.

You need to start visiting secondary schools, look at both state and independent schools. Hopefully you can find one that wil have a peer group that have similar abilities so he isn’t always comparing himself to those who are stronger academically.

There are special schools that teach practical skills such as animal care and horticulture. Your son needs a school that will allow him to see his strengths.

I will be looking at schools in year 6 this is what I have been advised to do. I can't do independent/private school is not for him. He needs to have his assments. There's really no point in me looking at schools till that's been done or in just wasting time . As some schools I look at may not be able to reach his needs once I know all those then I can look.

If you're considering a sen school, don't let them fob you off and leave it until year 6, year 5 is when you're going to want to look into schools and want the la to send ehcp consultations with potential schools etc otherwise you're very likely to end up without a place for him.
my ds was similar with his self esteem being effected by not being at the same level academically as the other kids in his mainstream primary, he also wouldn't do anything related to school work at home -he is in a sen secondary school now and come on so much

Your poor DS - must be tough. And your love for him shines through your posts.

The lady who said about not crying, she expressed it very harshly but I think I see what she was getting at .... He sadly does need to perhaps develop more resilience (on top of everything else he needs to learn, poor soul) in order to cope in the future. For example, when in work it may take him longer than others to grasp new skills, depending on what career he has, and he will need resilience in accepting that and putting the effort in ....

But this must be balanced by care for his mental health, of course.

This may be a bit left field, but you mentioned he likes his TA - if you could find a home tutor he really liked - perhaps a young guy he could relate to - do you think he would be willing to do a bit of one one one outside school? One hour one night a week and one at a weekend could do wonders to his reading. (And honestly that is what I would focus on - reading is the key to everything else, it really is. Don't bother about handwriting - he can type or dictate to a computer. But reading is everywhere, and adults who can't read struggle so much, bless them).

I have a feeling he wouldn't go for this, but if you could find someone who won him over? Maybe the TA himself would like to earn a bit more?

(Obviously if you can afford it.....)

Good luck - it must be so tough to see him like that.

for help with reading would he do something like reading eggs? it's a learning app game so might be able to pass it off as a game rather than learning.
for self esteem in general it can be good to give kids jobs/chores etc to help with as it gives them a sense of being helpful to people which can help with self esteem- even just little things can give a sense of achievement such as helping make a cup of tea

My son is Year 7 mainstream, ASD and ADHD. Ok academically, but is a bit of a nightmare now at secondary.

I agree not to disrupt now but I'd be working towards a specialist setting for secondary school.

I can't stress enough how tough it becomes. Secondary school just don't have their shit together at all. Even with the EHCP, this feels like setting him up to fail. That will feed a fear and anxiety in you as it approaches I'd guess.

Getting an Ed Psychology assessment in advance of this. He's never going to feel he's doing well when on a playing field so uneven. You can definitely work through the remainder of primary. But mainstream is not fun for plenty of these young people.

I know people are trying to be helpful which is great . I know its coming from a kind place . But im really not looking for how to get him to do more academic work at home. I won't move from that unless ds wants to.

I really just looking for ideas to make him feel better about himself and see how fantastic he is in other ways . Without pressuring him even more about academic stuff. When he has it 6 hrs a day.