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How can I make DS feel better about himself.

64 replies

Youagain2025 · 12/03/2025 10:07

Ds is 9 he's in year 5 . He has ASD and learning difficulties. Hes roughly at year 1 level . He has an EHCP.

The thing is he gets really upset and stressed yesterday the TA asked ds what he wanted to write TA wrote it for him . And ds had to copy it . TA asked ds if he can read it . But ds said he could not . And on the way home ds was upset and telling me that he's,stupid and he can't do things everyone else can , he's the only one . Then he's saying soon he will be on year 6. Then secondary school and he won't know anything that will be even worse etc .

I tried telling him the things he's good at . I said he's a fantastic gamer . And he scores reality good on the Wii. And hes good on his bike and his hoover board. I said he's kind. Always thinks about other people he's a fantastic friend. But it doesn't work he just says them things are different he's on about the academic side of things he says he's just crap .

Is it just a matter of keep telling him all the good things about him even if he doesn't feel that way just now and hoping if I keep saying it . He will begin to feel it.

He's in mainstream school

OP posts:
Wishyouwerehere50 · 12/03/2025 16:26

An Autistic child operating at absolute burn out level to cope with the crippling stress of school probably won't be open to extra reading. They need a break to process the anxiety of a school day pretending.

Gaming usually helps that. I certainly wouldn't be ramming more books on them.

Stress levels akin to PTSD soldiers are reported in mum's parenting Autistic children. Tears and strong emotions are part of the territory. No need to hide. Honesty and explanation to the child is all that's needed.

NCIRL · 12/03/2025 16:35

I agree that there's no point trying to get him to do any academic work after a day at school. DS's TA also told us it's not worth the damage to the family relationships to force homework on him either. Ask him, help him but don't fight over it.

However, I think you are wrong to completely separate home and school. You can learn any where, any time and in the long run you need to show him that he can learn to do stuff out of school. We found that e.g. trying to get him to read with us was impossible. But if he was left to play on his iPad then eventually he would open the reading game apps and play them. If we asked him about them, he'd stop playing them. The best really was to let him get on with it. We didn't allow pure gaming time during the school week until he started secondary, only at the weekends and a strict limit. He's recently decided he needs to improve his maths and has gone back to the apps we installed years ago!

TeenToTwenties · 12/03/2025 16:36

My DD had a mh breakdown in y10 and missed all y11.
What she likes about her college courses is they give her stuff she can do, not stuff she can't.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Youagain2025 · 12/03/2025 16:44

TeenToTwenties · 12/03/2025 16:39

https://www.ipsea.org.uk/moving-to-a-new-phase-of-education-with-an-ehc-plan

This says y6 but you don't wait for the annual review, it has to be done in the first term.

Thank you 😊

OP posts:
Wishyouwerehere50 · 12/03/2025 16:46

One thing my son is good at is gaming! I'd look at what he can play and watch him and support that. Show you're really impressed with his achievements.

I think Descenders and games like that are good. Roblox I think is alright. Fortnite is a rage fest.

Does he like ASMR? We made a few videos which were great. Watching them in YouTube is very relaxing too.

I'd personally forget everything school when school ends. Look at all the other areas he might enjoy. I've picked out real stereotype hobbies there but he might be really good at them and grow confidence.

Youagain2025 · 12/03/2025 18:13

Wishyouwerehere50 · 12/03/2025 16:46

One thing my son is good at is gaming! I'd look at what he can play and watch him and support that. Show you're really impressed with his achievements.

I think Descenders and games like that are good. Roblox I think is alright. Fortnite is a rage fest.

Does he like ASMR? We made a few videos which were great. Watching them in YouTube is very relaxing too.

I'd personally forget everything school when school ends. Look at all the other areas he might enjoy. I've picked out real stereotype hobbies there but he might be really good at them and grow confidence.

What is ASMR? Yes we definitely separate home and school.

OP posts:
Darkwaters · 12/03/2025 18:23

There are independent SEN schools that can be funded via an EHCP which is why I made that suggestion. My DS went to one and we had transport covered too as it 30 miles away from home.

Schools were happy to show me round/talk to me when DS was in year 5 as I needed to get a feel of what was and wasn’t suitable for him. Some schools stated they weren’t suitable but were able to give me ideas of where else to look.

Youagain2025 · 12/03/2025 18:29

Darkwaters · 12/03/2025 18:23

There are independent SEN schools that can be funded via an EHCP which is why I made that suggestion. My DS went to one and we had transport covered too as it 30 miles away from home.

Schools were happy to show me round/talk to me when DS was in year 5 as I needed to get a feel of what was and wasn’t suitable for him. Some schools stated they weren’t suitable but were able to give me ideas of where else to look.

Yes i have heard that ehcp can fund private schools. But its just not us.

OP posts:
Wishyouwerehere50 · 12/03/2025 18:34

It might drive you insane but there are loads of people online making their own videos. It involves all sorts but is based on having a microphone and making sounds and noises, usually with extra sensory gadgets that seem to be really relaxing and a great sensory experience. I'm NT, I love it. My son thinks it's amazing being ND and attuned to all this.

We bought loads of sensory stuff that makes noise and feels great and son spends alot of time with them making his own videos.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/sleepless-in-america/201809/what-is-asmr-and-why-are-people-watching-these-videos

You might watch an example video and think what's this crazy stuff?! 😆

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 12/03/2025 18:45

Autism Speaks website might be an excellent tool for finding games to improve skills he thinks he doesn't have.

Sounds like logical processing and hand eye co-ordination are fine, I'd recommend playing memory card games with him. Picture cards with the object name especially.

Can you play chess? If not, could you learn together? Board not computer based.

Screen games are not always the best way for an autistic child to relax.

RoundSquareWithTriangles · 15/03/2025 14:31

Would he enjoy things like playing darts, playing pool or bowling?

I'm only asking because my son likes bowling and darts. It seems to feel happier after playing. My son has just started playing pool at a place local to us. I never knew this place was even there until very recently. Even though my son is a complete beginner, the people there have been so welcoming. It's really given my son a confidence boost

Youagain2025 · 15/03/2025 15:29

RoundSquareWithTriangles · 15/03/2025 14:31

Would he enjoy things like playing darts, playing pool or bowling?

I'm only asking because my son likes bowling and darts. It seems to feel happier after playing. My son has just started playing pool at a place local to us. I never knew this place was even there until very recently. Even though my son is a complete beginner, the people there have been so welcoming. It's really given my son a confidence boost

Last time we gave it a go he just kept throwing tantrums. It was a while ago though so we could try again.

He loves roller skating there is a skating club . That's free . But it gos from age 8 -16 all in the same session. We did give it a go but the kids seem to be 13 ish + and most are over 6ft . Ds is small for his age there's no other kids his age there . And its to fast and just to much with around 30 odd big kids. I don't drive abd there's no easy to get to clubs

OP posts:
Dizzy82 · 15/03/2025 16:07

I agree with other posts saying to continue praising him and pointing put his positive areas.

My son hated school work, diagnosed with ASD age 5 and moved to SEN primary and then 3 SEN high schools. He loved gaming and his vocabulary was amazing, at 19 he still hates writing so uses a laptop.

He struggled all through school and didn't sit any GCSE exams. He started playing guitar around 11 years old and is now in 3rd year at college and has applied for University (Dread to think how he's going to cope away from home). All you can do is support him and I would definitely say discuss transition as soon as possible as that was a very difficult time for my son and it's not as easy to secure SEN placements.

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