In laws constantly making digs about our house

[IndarkModefortheforeseeable]

DH sends photos of our children to his parents regularly as they live a fair distance from us and we don’t get to visit often, they are also disabled so they never visit us.

Yet everytime we send a photo from inside our house we will get comments like: why is there a plate, did you vacuum, X has crumbs on his shirt, open the window and so on and on.

We have lived in our house for 9 months and it’s been a difficult refurb, we’re booked for a new kitchen this summer and MIL will comment about the tiles being gross and that I haven’t cleaned them (I have - they’re old and stained). She told me she’ll ask her cleaner for tips to send me, knowing full well I had my own cleaning business for 7 years and could clean spotlessly with my eyes closed. She then didn’t like the colour we chose for our bedroom and sent me a link to the mattress she wants us to buy!

I’ve asked DH to stop sending photos as all they do is criticise, but they then complain we haven’t sent anything from home (park photos only meaning they had nothing to complain about)

Its making me feel inadequate tbh, the house needs work, I have a full time job and 3 young children aswell as anxiety. I don’t want to fall out with in laws because they are elderly and unwell, I’ve also considered the fact they do it to try and feel involved, but I’m becoming resentful that they never have anything positive to say particularly as they have never been to our house. They never comment on our children either, just the background and how it apparently never looks clean or to their taste. DH says to ignore them.

Do I cause WW3 by speaking up or should I let it go?

@IndarkModefortheforeseeable I stick by Ikea! if they never visit then they will never know!

I think you are right in that they probably desperately want to be involved but it seems they have no idea how upsetting their comments are to you.
It’s worth your DH pointing it out to them kindly before anything more drastic. If he does it gently and reasonably over time, it’s then up to them if they want to make it into WW3.

Hi mum, we thought you’d both like to see this photo of DGC trying to hop on one leg, isn’t it adorable. I know there are toys all over the floor which you won’t like but still, we just wanted to share the precious moment with you. We are having a new kitchen installed so please, no need to comment on the house not looking good when I send more DGC photos next week. Talk soon. Love you x

Set up a family group chat with your DH and your in-laws. Make your DH send all photos on that chat. If your MIL messages you directly about your cleaning standards, just forward it on to the group chat without comment every time. If it doesnt embarrass her, at least your DH can then deal with it as it's his house too and he can explain to his mum why he hasn't cleaned the kitchen tiles.

My mum used to do this. It was so draining. I simply sent her less pictures, then whenever she commented, about something I should be doing I would reply ‘what?’ And if she made a comment to that I would reply ‘why when I send you a pic of LittleNovaF is that what you focused on?’ I would then not send a picture for a while. Then when I next sent one and she commented again I would say ‘what?’ And then she she didnt respond, I still didnt send pictures foe a while. The pavolvian response worked and she no longer does it.

Your husband needs to be the one to do this, though really he should be the one sending the pictures. Let him deal with the responses, you don’t need to see them.

I agree with the above posts, and as a grandparent we've received lots of pictures of GC looking filthy, ever since they were weaning and wearing their food, to doing messy crafts in messy houses, to muddy sports etc.
I wonder, if MIL were to use her words properly, she is saying she'd like a posed picture rather than a snap, the sort she'll want to hang on the wall? Is she making digs or just not very articulate? Only you know that, and it's just a thought.

yes it’s strange that lots of people think it’s cute when their child has bolognese all over its face

I know toddlers are messy, but personally it makes me slightly queasy and I’d never think to photograph it!!

A good haunted house interior photo drop with moulding walls, spiderwebs and rotting floors work work too.

This. I’d be sending them all the John Lewis/Wickes/ whatever is posher these days perfect houses and tell them the house is finished. If they’re never going to visit they’ll never know what’s real.

Sending a studio-type photo that they can put on the wall is a good idea.

But secondly, stop caring. Seriously. Someone sending you cleaning tips when you had your own cleaning business? She's having a larf. Stop giving a shit about the opinions of someone you don't respect. When she says there's toys on the floor, say "Yes, it's terrible" and move on.

Your DH needs to address this.

”Hi Mum and Dad, I love sending you pics of the kids, can you keep your responses family focussed? All is well here, InDarkMode doesn’t need cleaning tips so please lay off! Thank you, big love ….and here is a pic of Dc …”

Honestly? I would reply every time, copying your husband in. Make it obvious that whenever the in laws have a dig about the house, their son will see it and have to get involved in the response.

Reply - I have forwarded your comment to DH so he can note that his cleaning/whatever the issue is not up to scratch. He doesn't appear to have been trained properly when I got him!

Well you've got a horrible spiteful MIL if that's all she can bring herself to say. I would stop sending any photos and tell her why.
You need your DH to have your back on this and call her out on the critical messages she sends to you. If she doesn't buck up her ideas then I'd have no hesitation in blocking her. Did she work FT when her DC were young, does she have any idea what it's like?

Thank you everyone, some of the replies have had me giggling so I feel much better today 😄 it’s just hard to accept when someone belittles you regularly im not very good at taking criticism tbh.
Those who said to make the background look messier have given me a good idea to wind her up until she can’t say anything worse, I know she gossips to SIL as SIL repeated things to me she wouldn’t have known otherwise. I may let DDs cause havoc and photograph it with a ‘isnt childhood so fun when they can make a mess’ 😆
The photos are posed ‘say cheese for nan and grandad’ types, never just action shots. They used to want them daily but it just wasn’t reasonable so we cut down to 2/3 times a week. Then the comments began because we couldn’t be bothered to make them magazine worthy 🙄.
You’re right she is very set in her old ways, she didn’t work until her youngest child was an adult and even now despite being disabled she’ll do anything for FIL. ‘Women belong in the kitchen’ attitude.
I’ll keep you updated on any drama or laughs I can get from this!

"Hi MIL, I think we should draw a line under this now. We are so lucky to have such brilliant kids and have so much fun with them, and want to share that with you but as you always reply with something negative or critical about our house we can only assume you aren't bothered about receiving pictures anymore so won't send them as the negativity and criticism is completely unnecessary and to be honest, it's rude. Especially as you send the criticism to me rather than your son. Let's leave it there as I don't want to fall out. When we get the chance, we'll send some pictures of them out and about from now on instead."

This would be so funny and get your point across too.

That’s the spirit! 💪

I would just block her, even if it causes drama. If anyone tries to stir things, I'd just say "DH is still sending her the same number of photos he always does, the only thing that's changed is that she can't send me nasty comments afterwards. Do you really think it's reasonable for her to get upset about that?"

Although if you want to avoid the drama altogether, I'd just stop reading her messages. Either delete them unread as soon as they arrive, or read them to laugh at them and don't respond at all.

Love this idea!