In laws constantly making digs about our house

[IndarkModefortheforeseeable]

DH sends photos of our children to his parents regularly as they live a fair distance from us and we don’t get to visit often, they are also disabled so they never visit us.

Yet everytime we send a photo from inside our house we will get comments like: why is there a plate, did you vacuum, X has crumbs on his shirt, open the window and so on and on.

We have lived in our house for 9 months and it’s been a difficult refurb, we’re booked for a new kitchen this summer and MIL will comment about the tiles being gross and that I haven’t cleaned them (I have - they’re old and stained). She told me she’ll ask her cleaner for tips to send me, knowing full well I had my own cleaning business for 7 years and could clean spotlessly with my eyes closed. She then didn’t like the colour we chose for our bedroom and sent me a link to the mattress she wants us to buy!

I’ve asked DH to stop sending photos as all they do is criticise, but they then complain we haven’t sent anything from home (park photos only meaning they had nothing to complain about)

Its making me feel inadequate tbh, the house needs work, I have a full time job and 3 young children aswell as anxiety. I don’t want to fall out with in laws because they are elderly and unwell, I’ve also considered the fact they do it to try and feel involved, but I’m becoming resentful that they never have anything positive to say particularly as they have never been to our house. They never comment on our children either, just the background and how it apparently never looks clean or to their taste. DH says to ignore them.

Do I cause WW3 by speaking up or should I let it go?

Just give her a thumbs up 👍 and get on with your day. Some people just like complaining. She’ll be moaning to other people about one thing or another too. It’s who she is and it says absolutely nothing about who you are. Just pretend you’re the queen - smile and wave, smile and wave.

Portrait mode is your friend

Ask your husband to tell his parents to stop being so weird.

This. Fucking hell OP. Send nothing further. If the 'wider family' start asking questions, show them the nasty comments.

No wonder you have anxiety! You are a saint for not going round there and shouting the odds.

Who died and made them the crumb police?

Portrait mode (iPhone) blurs the background.
I'd be tempted to say something, though.

Mary, is there something you want to get off your chest?
(No?, why?)
Well, every time we send photos you only ever comment to tell me that the house doesn't look clean, something is out of place, the children look untidy, whatever. I'm starting to feel uncomfortable and resentful, so I thought I'd give you the opportunity to clear it up and bring to your attention how often you say things like that.
(MIL responds, pearl clutching shock at confrontation and vehement denial and indignation, tears, whatever)
Right. Now that's out of the way, I'll look forward to your lovely and kind comments about the dc...

It's really not normal for grandparents yo be critical and make negative comments. My own dm and mil are so supportive and have always said complimentary things about how I'm raising my kids whilst simultaneously telling me not to worry about the house because that's not what's important. Your mil sounds like a judgey cow and I think she only wants photos at home so she can be smug and critical. Your dh needs to be the one to tell her to stop this.

I would actually block them on my phone. Let dh deal with them.

if he must send photos, get him to edit the background. There are great ones - Minecraft, under the ocean etc. Just do that. If they say anything, act confused and make out they must be bonkers as ‘everyone’ knows that’s what photos look like now, and just repeat, repeat, repeat😁.

"I've sent your feedback to DH". "We'll see you soon, DH and the GC are looking forward to the visit".

Lots of love, IndarkModefor the foreseeable xx

I'd raise their comments F2F when you see them, don't do it by text/WhatsApp etc, that will only create a digital audit trail of her despair.

When she sends you this, how do you reply?
I’d be giving blunt responses:

• Rude…
• I didn’t ask you to criticise my home.
• When I want cleaning advice, I’ll ask.

I'm sure she’ll get the hint.

I’d just be wary of the background if you don’t want to argue with her as she is old. She is still rude. I’d be tempted to reply and say that you’re doing your best and are not trying to live in a show home. I’d probably just send photos from outside and if she complains say the truth, you avoid that as it hurts being criticised by family when you’re doing your best.

I'd block her

Don’t start airbrushing photos to make her happy, she’ll find something else to moan about.

DH needs to say to her (not you), we’re not sending you any more photos because you are forever finding the smallest thing to criticise about our house. The house is perfectly clean and decorated to our taste so when you stop criticising it, you will get more photos.

Seriously, I wouldn’t be turning the other cheek for rude people like that. “When I want cleaning advice, I’ll ask” should do the trick. Pfft I wouldn’t put up with that at all.

I’d laugh it off! Keep a note of the comments for your own amusement or share them with us. Don’t give her any power. At least she can’t come and visit! You could publish her comments in a small book. I’d buy it! She sounds so bored.

Take a bunch of pics outside in the park, outside their school/nursery, walking in the street, then send one of those every now and then.

I'd go the other way - making the background look at bad as possible.

Piles of washing, dirty plates, random stuff - it obviously really winds her up, so have fun letting her self-wind.

I'd reply every time, Hi Margaret, I think you've sent this message to me by mistake, DH's number is 0788888888.

Perfect

She’d only get pictures of the dc covered in paint/food from me in future, messy crafts, jam etc. That one no more pictures from indoors. Your Dh is the issue here. He needs to stop sending pics and tell her to shut up.

This is what I would do, the weirder the better, like the bridge from the Enterprise or the Hobbit house.

I’d stop sending photos and when she asks why then tell her.

be honest.

i don’t care if she is old or unwell, it costs nothing to be polite.

I would reply: "OK, good idea" every time

I'd stop sending her any pictures at all. She never responds positively about your children and isn't happy with the photos taken outside, so I think she's just asking for these pictures to be able to criticise your home and upset you.

This is wifework. If you don’t want any drama, keep normal channels of communication open but have him send the photos and ask him not to report back.