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Original poster

In laws constantly making digs about our house

94 replies

IndarkModefortheforeseeable · 10/03/2025 23:28

DH sends photos of our children to his parents regularly as they live a fair distance from us and we don’t get to visit often, they are also disabled so they never visit us.

Yet everytime we send a photo from inside our house we will get comments like: why is there a plate, did you vacuum, X has crumbs on his shirt, open the window and so on and on.

We have lived in our house for 9 months and it’s been a difficult refurb, we’re booked for a new kitchen this summer and MIL will comment about the tiles being gross and that I haven’t cleaned them (I have - they’re old and stained). She told me she’ll ask her cleaner for tips to send me, knowing full well I had my own cleaning business for 7 years and could clean spotlessly with my eyes closed. She then didn’t like the colour we chose for our bedroom and sent me a link to the mattress she wants us to buy!

I’ve asked DH to stop sending photos as all they do is criticise, but they then complain we haven’t sent anything from home (park photos only meaning they had nothing to complain about)

Its making me feel inadequate tbh, the house needs work, I have a full time job and 3 young children aswell as anxiety. I don’t want to fall out with in laws because they are elderly and unwell, I’ve also considered the fact they do it to try and feel involved, but I’m becoming resentful that they never have anything positive to say particularly as they have never been to our house. They never comment on our children either, just the background and how it apparently never looks clean or to their taste. DH says to ignore them.

Do I cause WW3 by speaking up or should I let it go?

OP posts:
ScienceFanGirl · 11/03/2025 07:12

I wouldn't be sending any more photos

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 11/03/2025 07:12

@IndarkModefortheforeseeable take the kids to ikea and take a whole pile of pics. just send a couple at a time. you block them so they can only comment to your dp

Heylylaa · 11/03/2025 07:13

Do you use an iPhone? Take some pictures of the kids in portrait mode. Not only do you get beautiful crisp images of your children’s faces but because it focuses on the subject, the background blurs out. They won’t be able to make any distinction about what your house looks like on that particular day.

I feel your pain a bit. My husbands aunt is a bit like is when she visits. Our hold house didn’t have a driveway and she’d complain bitterly about parking down the road (she’s fit and healthy) but our new house you can squeeze 4 cars on if you need too and somehow the entrance to it is too tight (it’s not). The porch was too small (I’m just delighted to have a separate porch), she thought it was going to be a a new build and it’s not, various comments like that. The one I found most amusing/gobsmacking though was how horrified she was that she had to pass through a council estate to get here.

*edit for typo.

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Deathraystare · 11/03/2025 07:19

Yeah I would have said "Iwould have loved to have sent you a photo of x saying Grandad for first time but did not send it as she had a stain on her jumper and you would have made so many negative comments about it. A shame from now on you will only have photos of her in the park but that is your fault. We shall not be sending photos of the new kitchen either as you will no doubt have so many negative things to say about that too." In future please send your comments to (husband).

BunfightBetty · 11/03/2025 07:20

I’d just stop sending photos and if she asks why, I’d respond along the lines ‘Oh, I didn’t think you wanted any, as you don’t comment on the children ever, and I was confused as to why you thought I was asking for housekeeping advice’’.

Phineyj · 11/03/2025 07:26

I must say I like the Mumsnet advice to send a single emoji in this situation. You could have some fun with it. Start with thumbs up and then progress to aubergines and flags of many nations.

RedToothBrush · 11/03/2025 07:29

IndarkModefortheforeseeable · 10/03/2025 23:37

Yes unfortunately she never reponds to DH, I get the backlash as the woman I should be making the house perfect apparently. It’s tempting to block her but it would cause all sorts of issues in the wider family. Airbrushing photos is a good idea.

You have a DH problem.

He needs to tell her to stop being sexist and windy her neck in.

pikkumyy77 · 11/03/2025 07:30

IndarkModefortheforeseeable · 10/03/2025 23:37

Yes unfortunately she never reponds to DH, I get the backlash as the woman I should be making the house perfect apparently. It’s tempting to block her but it would cause all sorts of issues in the wider family. Airbrushing photos is a good idea.

How do these messages come? Text, phone, fb? Don’t block her in an obvious way but either give her another number to text and then ignore it, send it to spam, or otherwise redirect. NEVER respond or use a thumb’s up emoji or a canned phrase like “Dh will get right on that.”

dhfkabduuori · 11/03/2025 07:35

I’ve asked DH to stop sending photos as all they do is criticise, but they then complain we haven’t sent anything from home (park photos only meaning they had nothing to complain about)

They ask you to send photos of them at home? Hmm

DrummingMousWife · 11/03/2025 07:38

MolluscMonday · 10/03/2025 23:44

“Yes Maureen, we've stopped sending you photos taken at home because you wouldn’t stop criticising the house. I agree it’s a terrible shame but unfortunately we don’t seem to be able to stop you.”

This!

Imnotfeelingwell · 11/03/2025 07:40

I’d respond saying something like ‘ I would send more photos of gc but I know how upsetting you find it when you see a bit of mess. I’ll send more once we have the house done up. For now I’ll just send photos of them in the park’.

ThePure · 11/03/2025 07:46

I think I'd lean into it and start sending photoshopped pictures with mess, dirt and outrageous colour schemes. Maybe even some vermin or used condoms in a corner and see if she spots them. It clearly makes her happy to get in a froth about your house so give her something to work with! That way she can have fun gossiping about her filthy daughter in law and you can have a laugh seeing how far you can push it.

Not quite the same but when my mother in law would be happily espousing her Britain first shite I'd just go further the other way. I told her that I support open immigration, I think all property is theft and everything should be communally owned and I want to defund the police and legalise cannabis. Her tiny mind was blown and she stopped talking to me about anything political after that which was a major win.

Spaghettihair · 11/03/2025 07:48

MayaPinion · 11/03/2025 05:28

Just give her a thumbs up 👍 and get on with your day. Some people just like complaining. She’ll be moaning to other people about one thing or another too. It’s who she is and it says absolutely nothing about who you are. Just pretend you’re the queen - smile and wave, smile and wave.

I do this with DH’s ex and it tailed off. She used to ask for pics of our youngest (her DC’s half sib) and then comment ‘is that my cushion?’ ‘Is that DC’s old top? Does their DF have old baby clothes if so can I have them back to save for DC to go through together when they’re 18’

For about 6 months she just got a thumbs up or ‘no worries :)’ on repeat. It al petered out eventually.

Diningtableornot · 11/03/2025 07:50

No beed to block her or to take her comments to heart. Do these comments even need a reply? If so, you could just keep saying No need to worry MIL we have it under control.

PuggyPuggyPuggy · 11/03/2025 07:52

Fuck it, someone whinges to me that I don't send enough photos from my house after costantly replying with petty shit like "why is there a plate", I damn well tell tell them that I'm sick of hearing them complaining about the state of my house. They can scroll back through everything and check if it's true. They are being rude, you can be direct back (even if they then think that you are rude)

Cantabulous · 11/03/2025 08:01

Irritating, yes incredibly so! But her poison is about her not you, so I don’t really get why it makes you feel inadequate.

if she communicates by WhatsApp you could lock your chat with her? So you just don’t see her silly messages to you. That’s how I deal with XH’s idiocy

aliceinawonderland · 11/03/2025 08:04

madaffodil · 10/03/2025 23:41

You could always reply with: "If you'd taught your son how to tidy up after himself, the house wouldn't be so messy".

This is the best answer!!

of course don’t “block her” etc… that’s far too extreme ( why is this such a mumsnet response to anything?) whereas this answer gets your point across in a semi jokey way.

Mnetcurious · 11/03/2025 08:06

“We send you photos of the children as you’re far away, not so that you can criticise the state of the house in the background. We’re well aware of improvements that need making but it will take time as we’re busy with work and children.
I’m sure you mean well but I find it upsetting. Please just enjoy seeing the pictures of your gc and refrain from any criticism. If you continue to criticise, we will have to stop sending photos, which is not what any of us want.”

BeHere · 11/03/2025 08:06

BansheeOfTheSouth · 11/03/2025 00:31

Every time your husband takes a photo tell him to clean the house from top to bottom first or it doesn't go near his hateful mother.

I'd block her though. You don't need to communicate with her, he's the one sending pictures he can deal with her.

Show quote history

I'd go the opposite way, and ensure every photo sent to them from now on includes an overflowing bin, or perhaps sink full of dirty pots in the background.

chattychatter · 11/03/2025 08:09

IndarkModefortheforeseeable · 10/03/2025 23:37

Yes unfortunately she never reponds to DH, I get the backlash as the woman I should be making the house perfect apparently. It’s tempting to block her but it would cause all sorts of issues in the wider family. Airbrushing photos is a good idea.

OP don’t airbrush the photographs. You need to either deal with it (my version of dealing with it would start with fully ignoring any messages or comments that are rude), or stop sending ANY photographs. Why waste your own time or your DHs time editing pics to avoid being literally bullied by his Mum. He should be saying something. Don’t let anyone excuse it away with age or disability, unless there is a cognitive issue or health issue that could cause a problem with their personality and what they think is appropriate (dementia? Etc), then do not excuse them.

Set boundaries and make no response to those comments, stop sending pics if they don’t stop. If comments continue regardless your husband has to step in.

PrettyParrot · 11/03/2025 08:11

I'd start taking posed photos in front of a bare wall, or in the garden....

Kittenswhiskers · 11/03/2025 08:15

Forgetvthevinlaws, they are irrelevant to your life really

you’re problem is wet lettuce dh
ask him why he doenst have a backbone
he either puts them right or stops sending them the supply
what a pathetic man

Tiddlywinkly · 11/03/2025 08:23

Maybe just don't respond to her messages that criticise the house/offer tips?

ACatNamedRobin · 11/03/2025 08:26

Isthisreasonable · 10/03/2025 23:36

I suspect that they'll find fault with the new kitchen too. I'd stick to the park photos and when they complain just repeatedly say we know how much our house upsets you so we won't send you pics from the house.

This OP. Just stand firm if they complain.
This way they're getting the obvious consequences of their actions.

User28473 · 11/03/2025 08:46

The generation who could afford to pay their mortgage for a decent house with one full time minimum wage income simply do not understand women working full time or fathers/husbands doing equal parenting/housekeeping/cooking. This is my experience with my in-laws anyway.

Once it was pointed out to them and that my decision to work full time and therefore not be able to keep up with housework and childcare single handedly wasn't a lifestyle choice (even if it would be) the comments and judgement stopped.

That generation of women very often feel that men are the most important in a house and are badly done to if they ever have to lift a finger. My MIL was 'so worried' about her son taking too much on all the time, and would take over if she ever saw him cooking and tell him to go and rest, but praise me and give me tips if I was etc etc