Why do people always say children are resilient?

[SewingBees]

I'm going through a hell of a time with marriage breakdown and terminal illness. Told a friend earlier about it, someone I've not been in touch with for several years, and shared my worries about the impact on my 8 year old. The response - it'll be ok, children are very resilient.

Except they're fucking not are they. The first thing therapists want to know about is what happened in your childhood. So many people scarred and dealing with trauma from what happened to them as children.

So where does this "children are resilient" garbage come from? Is it just wishful thinking on the part of adults causing trauma (whether deliberately or not).

I hate it when people say that as I find it very dismissive. I remember someone describing horrendous living conditions with an abuser and saying the children will be ok as they're resilient.

IMO it's often used to justify staying in adverse circumstances.

Because some children are resilient.

I, and my three siblings, lost my mum when I was eight. Fifty years on, we’re all fine and didn’t suffer major trauma as children.

Because they like to minimise the harm done to children rather than address it.

Children speak through their behaviour as much as their words, especially when young.

It’s so parents can convince themselves that bringing in new boyfriends/girlfriends into their kid’s lives is fine.

Based on a lot of threads on here, children are less resilient than they have ever been.

I don't believe children are very resilient, generally.

If so, why are we all so fussed about a year and a half of disrupted (but by no means catastrophic) normal life due to Covid? Why do we have the whole psychotherapy industry and Philip Larkin and all the huge queues for CAHMS services?

I think it suits the narrative of some adults to say some children are resilient sometimes.

Generally speaking it’s meant to minimise whatever is happening and make the adult(s) in the situation feel better. I hate the phrase and don’t believe it one bit.

I agree with you and express the same thing. If kids are so resilient why do so many people have childhood trauma?

Because it’s easier for them than worrying about children and their feelings. Sometimes it’s true but it’s very dismissive.

Because many adults like to appease the guilt they feel about their piss poor life choices.

I assume it’s to absolve the adults of guilt?
It is so dismissive.

I'm so sorry you ate going through this. Obviously they are trying to make you feel better. What should they say? That your children are going to be traumatised?

It is upsetting to think of a child being upset, so people pretend they're fine. Doctors/nurses used to pretend babies couldn't feel physical pain!

Most people are resilient, but upsetting stuff still hurts.

It makes them feel better. Even though it isn’t true.

It's better to be honest - that's tough for them but love and support will help them through this.

I think child seem resilient as they are often not old enough to understand the extent and impact of traumatic situations.

They is also the hope that we are bringing up our children to be resilient, I think very few are actually making any effort to do that though

I think it's lawful when people say children are resilient. They often just don't have any choice in the matter. Things happen around them, to them, decisions made and children have to get on with it. I'm not sure that's resilience.

I agree - I think now that we actually care more about children, phrases like that are dangerous and what we are realising is that a difficult childhood or unresolved issues in childhood manifest itself later on in teen years or as adults - for some reason we have gone years separating us as children and us as adults! Bonkers.

That’s why as a parent, I actually see my children as child versions of their adult selves. Which changes my perception of who they are. Whereas many assume that once we become adults we almost forget childhood. I think the phrase comes from children struggling to articulate themselves. My dd went through something terrible at school, and the teacher said she was “dealing with it very well”.

So I think it’s true, children are resilient, but because they are almost forced to pivot and to work with what they have. And they are still holding what normal is for them - so they adapt and adjust - maybe even better than adults.

As someone living with incurable cancer I'm used to hearing useless platitudes. I get that people don't know what to say - I've been there myself of course, and have probably said insensitive things to others in the past.

I think mostly I'd like people to acknowledge that my death is likely to have a profound effect on my child, especially as she's very sensitive, something my friend doesn't know because she's not been in my life much since my daughter was born.

I meant awful not lawful

This

I think some people have a pathological need to find something to say in a situation. My DM is one of them. Sort of person who would say ‘well at least you know you can get pregnant’ to someone having a miscarriage etc. Some people seem to not be able to cope with situations and resort to meaningless platitudes. Because of course a child is going to be significantly and negatively affected by the death of a parent (I am so sorry you are going through this).

@SewingBees I'm so sorry

I lost my mum young and while it was awful I did get through it and I am OK now.

In answer to your question more broadly I think children are resilient to things that would hurt adults. I don’t know if you’ve ever read When Hitler Stole Pink Rabbit, it’s an interesting semi autobiographical novel by Judith Kerr (of mog fame!) and she makes this point well. I think children are resilient to movement, displacement, even moving countries, they adapt so much better than adults.

But you are right, they aren’t resilient to abuse, unkindness, bereavement, harm and so on.

I wish you well, I’m sorry for the harsh and in all honesty cruel response above

I think what people mean is ‘adaptable’. Children can adapt well to new situations because they don’t have the same fears and anxieties that come with life experience.

And children can be very resilient if they have plenty of the other essential support systems to help them through tough times. For example my sibling died when I was young but I had a close loving family who communicated things well, they supported me and made sure I still had fun and hope, and I had good friends and an enjoyable social life. I grieved and I miss him to this day but it didn’t leave lasting trauma.

I'm really sorry. It will have a profound impact of course.

This person may not be a good person to be around. Make self-honouring choices, you need only support.