Why do people always say children are resilient?

[SewingBees]

I'm going through a hell of a time with marriage breakdown and terminal illness. Told a friend earlier about it, someone I've not been in touch with for several years, and shared my worries about the impact on my 8 year old. The response - it'll be ok, children are very resilient.

Except they're fucking not are they. The first thing therapists want to know about is what happened in your childhood. So many people scarred and dealing with trauma from what happened to them as children.

So where does this "children are resilient" garbage come from? Is it just wishful thinking on the part of adults causing trauma (whether deliberately or not).

It depends though. Were you allowed to grieve, how was it dealt with?

I went through similar. At that age all I heard was that “children are resilient” and that I would be a comfort for my surviving parent. I was sent back to school straight away, not taken to the funeral. Basically expected to carry on as it if never happened and support my parent. I was basically the adult at 11 years old.

because children are resilient. So I was treated as if it had no effect on me. Consequently I am 40 years on and have some serious pent up issues and trauma.

resilience is gained from recognising and having tools to deal with things. Not by completely ignoring it as if it doesn’t affect kids at all.

Awww bless your heart ❤️ of course it will have an impact on your child, the woman sounds a right horrible person, fancy saying that! Some children are resilient yes but loosing a parent is unbearable especially at such a young age, life is unfair, maybe she’s the type off person to say children should be seen but not heard, she needs to get with it, sending u love and a hug 🥰

Children can cope with a lot... with the right support. Its often the support that is lacking.

I guess they might be just trying to make you feel a bit better? They're failing obviously! but that might be their intention.
I agree with you, but I think how you handle it can also have a major impact on how they cope. Apologies if that just sounds like more pressure you don't need though! Hopefully it sounds more like something you can have a positive impact on. I'm sorry you're going through an absolutely shit time.

I think some people have a pathological need to find something to say in a situation.

Definitely. I think people need to be taught that saying 'I'm sorry, I don't know what to say/ I don't have anything helpful to say' is okay.

• if necessary 'would you like to talk about it?' 'is there anything I can do to help?'

I was resilient as a child even more now as an adult i dont have any feelings you could chip ice off my heart.

Thank you for all the kind messages about my situation. Ironically I am personally very resilient and coping well (relatively) with what I'm going through.

For those suggesting that this person is horrible and should be cut from my life, she absolutely isn't horrible, she's actually lovely. I do wonder whether the 'resilient' comment was more to do with my marriage breakdown than the cancer, as she probably doesn't realise (because I didn't spell it out) that it's terminal. But the marriage breakdown is impacting my child, although I know it's the best thing in the long term. It just seems like one of those overused phrases that people trot out without really thinking about what they're saying.

Well I will offer a rather different feeling to most.

Children are incredibly resilient I do believe. I feel that it's helpful to your well being to have comfort in this knowledge.

Children have zero choice but to survive and navigate situations we can't always comprehend in order to survive to adulthood. Their instincts are naturally excellent beyond anything in adulthood which enables them to navigate and cope. They know they must for survival ( instincts) and they will become experts hopefully at finding some way through so much we as adults think, how?! This is resilience.

I don't think many kids escape trauma. There will be different levels and it depends whether you're female, male, your personality type and neurotype and what was around you in the aftermath.

For some, the trauma will lead often to the development of high empathy, compassion and a re awakening of excellent intuition into adulthood. That suffering can create beauty. For others it may lead to self destruction.

My father died in horrific circumstances, I went to school the next day. I was ok, highly resilient because my instincts as a child saved me.

By adulthood I suffered, my body reacted and told me I had to look at this now. I worked through it, I still do. I connect with nature, animals and people who have suffered on a scale of depth and intensity that I did and the connection is beyond anything. Without that suffering it wouldn't be possible to feel things as strongly as I do, I'm sure. That trauma was compounded by awful family dynamics requiring constant high alert. Again, that built a huge capacity to empathise in time as an adult.

Sometimes that childhood suffering will appear and the work needed in adulthood to try sort it out isn't easy or accessible and the understandable desire to medicate with drugs and alcohol takes over.

I know so many for whom this didn't happen. It wasn't all an horrific outcome in adulthood.

Knowing your children really are resilient and will get through this and find something in this horrendous suffering that might grow for them ( empathy, love and compassion), I believe to be true.

Yes I think this is true. There are certain things children are less resilient to and certain things more. I agree, children can get through things if they are treated with kindness.

Of course your death with have a profound impact on you child.

But hopefully she will be resilient enough to go on and become a well rounded adult with a good life.

Many children (people) are resilient enough to do this.

I understand why what your friend said sounded dismissive, but presumably your greatest hope is that she can be resilient enough for this to not ruin her life.

We are a military family and I was always amazed at how well they moved and adjusted. We decided to stop moving around long before secondary school as we didn't think it was in their best interests and suspected there was a limit to resilience, but found the pre school years in particular, that they were extremely resilient at what came their way, but then we had a very close, loving home that I like to think provided a lot of security to enable a fair amount of change.

It makes people feel better about treating them like shit or not putting them first

Children are, but parenting is key. When families go through trauma for whatever reason, how you as the adult deal with it is a huge determining factor on how your children will be in the medium to long term. Your confidence imparted to them that everything is ok just different really helps

You death will have a profound effect on your child but they will be ok, their adult care givers can get expert advice, the children can have counselling and wider society will support them - loosing a parent is horrible but be assured that with this support they can have great lives

I'm sorry OP. That's very very tough.
I agree. Children just hide how they feel if the adults around are crumbling.

Children dissociate when things get too overwhelming - a brilliant protective mechanism to keep them going in childhood, which doesn’t serve us very well when we get to adulthood.

Gabor Maté says trauma happens when children are left alone with overwhelming experiences.

so really horrible things can happen, but if a child has an attuned adult who’s there for them, can listen to them and help them hold and process their feelings, they likely won’t have lasting traumatic effects.

sounds like your children have that attuned adult in you, OP

We must be. I lived everyday in fear my whole childhood and survived terrible abuse yet I'm still here in my 60s.

You're very right OP! They just often hide their feelings more than adults due to fear or inability to know how to express them....then it all comes out later on in one way or another :(

I think part of it is because children don't have much control over their lives and so, to a much greater extent than adults, they live in the here and now. They're not responsible for steering their own course, or for choosing to change anything, and so they do just focus on the day-to-day in a way adults can't.

It depends. My parents divorce didn't bother me. They were never that fond of each other. I got an extended family out of it.

My eldest is resilient, he cracks on with stuff that would have given me a nervous breakdown at his age. My youngest isn't, although she has SEN.

I think people say this when they don't know what else to say.

It can be hard for friends or family to find the words for how they can help.

It would be fantastic if they could find the words to say "I will be there for your child when she isnt feeling very resilient, and I will stay strong for her when she needs strength" especially if they're not feeling very resilient themselves and are enveloped in how the loss of you will affect them, and they become emotionally closed off.

I don't think your friend is horrible at all. I think your friend is hurting, which is very understandable, and the only thing that can come out of her mouth is a cliché which sounds very clumsy, but might be the best they can muster at the moment.

I think some are more than others. We all react differently on a scale.

This^

Parents don't really give children the choice, children have to cope with what situations adults put them in so if they didn't do this there would no need for children being resilient or not to be questioned.

I have no idea if each child is or not or why people say it, but children have to cope with selfishness of adults constantly it seems

It means they can justify their shitty behaviour.