Why do people always say children are resilient?

[SewingBees]

I'm going through a hell of a time with marriage breakdown and terminal illness. Told a friend earlier about it, someone I've not been in touch with for several years, and shared my worries about the impact on my 8 year old. The response - it'll be ok, children are very resilient.

Except they're fucking not are they. The first thing therapists want to know about is what happened in your childhood. So many people scarred and dealing with trauma from what happened to them as children.

So where does this "children are resilient" garbage come from? Is it just wishful thinking on the part of adults causing trauma (whether deliberately or not).

I read a lot about Jewish children who survived the holocaust. Many lost all or most of their family, some had been in concentration camps, a few hidden. Some
did cope remarkably well and did so as adults. That does not mean they were unaffected, but some children and adults do have a remarkable ability to experience major traumatic events, and yet still have a happy life. While other children experience relatively minor or common upsetting events and are floored by anxiety and depression as adults.

Appropriate levels of honesty help children, alongside people who genuinely care about their welfare and try and protect them. There is lots of advice about how to talk to children about terminal cancer and support to give. I would utilise this. But do not assume this means your children's lives will be more difficult as adults.

In terms of bad childhood experiences, I think we truly become an adult when we can see how our experiences good and bad have shaped us, but we can also take responsibility for how we are as an adult. To a certain extent happiness is a choice.

I think this might be down to a few things. First, children can appear more resilient as they are more "in the moment" so can be distracted more easily and so can appear to be less affected. Secondly, they don't have any control over anything so generally have little choice but to go along with what is happening around them and, because they realise this, can appear more accepting of a situation. Thirdly, they may well not fully appreciate the long term implications of something and so may be less upset by something initially, instead going through waves or cycles of grief as they mature. Fourthly, it might be that, as a child in a supportive bubble, you don't realise what has changed or been taken away from you and only properly realise that later on. Finally, it is only recently that people openly talk about mental health and more people are routinely accessing counselling and other support and realising and telling others that they were asked about their childhood and, consequently, there is a better collective understanding of the impact that childhood issues can have and that, whilst you might appear to be fine or not think that something had a long term effect, actually, it has led to certain behaviours.

Resilience is about how you cope and bounce back. I think children are very resilient, they accept and adapt to what is put in front of them a lot better than adults do.

I think it's because the effects of trauma on children aren't necessarily clear at the time, and often don't become evident til years later. My dad died when I was 9 and my child brain just couldn't comprehend what had happened and so all my emotions shut down and I must have seemed ok.
Now, more than 30 years later I'm just starting the grieving process and it's the hardest thing I've ever done.

I am sorry for what you're going through OP. You are absolutely justified in feeling upset and expecting a friend to listen rather than spout platitudes.

Haven't RTFT but I think children adapt and outwardly appear to cope because they have to as a survival strategy.

In actual fact, disastrous events are much more difficult to recover from when they happen to a person during childhood. The damage will come out at some point.

Sometimes parents can protect the children from the worst of the harm though.

I lost my dad to cancer when I was 12.

I think everyone’s level of resilient is different. What does “resilience” look like? For many it’s can you have a basic standard of living/get by. For others it’s can you thrive. For some it’s can you be all the things you might have had to opportunity to be, without the trauma.

I think your friend just hasn’t thought too deeply on what it means to be resilient. Where as of course you’ve thought very deeply about the outcome. She may be referring to the children getting by, but you mean you want them to thrive and have all the opportunities of other children without these setbacks. Your friend hasn’t understood the depth of this I think.

But many children can and do get past trauma in order to live full lives x

Rationalization. The most powerful defense mechanism for adults who don't wan't/can't self-reflect.

I'm sorry for what you're going through 🙏💐