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Original poster

7 first dates in a row, none have led to a second date...

61 replies

sad34 · 07/03/2025 10:00

I have named-changed for this post.

Since the start of the year I have been on 7 first dates, mostly from Hinge but a few from Bumble. And the conversion rate into a second date has been 0%. Admittedly there were a couple of guys who I wasn't that keen on seeing again (although still had a fairly pleasant date) - although they still didn't ask me out which is never good for the confidence boost. However I had at least 4 dates where I had a really good time with the guy, and I thought they did too, and that they were keen, wanted to see me again etc. Yet the next day they either start majorly pulling away / don't make any effort so I just don't reply and they never follow up, or they just ghost me.

I mean seriously what am I doing wrong? Everyone says it's not you, it's them. But I am starting to think it is me, it must be. It's so hard not to take it personally and go down the rabbit hole of thinking that I am never going to meet someone etc. Despite trying hard not to over-invest too quickly and to just move on to the next one, when there's a repeat pattern of it happening over and over again, it's incredibly demoralising.

Any fellow single people out there who feel my pain, or anyone else who has been through the same thing but is now in a happy relationship then I'd love to hear some words of wisdom / re-assurance!!

OP posts:
Original poster
sad34 · 07/03/2025 10:21

Anyone? :(

OP posts:
Pyjamatimenow · 07/03/2025 10:27

My advice for first dates is to keep them short and sweet, very light conversation, don’t tell them how long you’ve been single or about any of your exes. Don’t ask too many questions either. You don’t need to because men overshare anyway. Smile and nod and take it all in. Stay an hour or and hour and a half tops. India Kang’s book is very good for navigating first date conversations. I think you can get it on Amazon

ManHereSorry · 07/03/2025 10:31

From a man’s perspective:

Is there a mismatch between your photos and your real appearance?

Are you boring/annoying/talk non-stop?

Do you bring up marriage/kids straight away?

Bang on about your toxic ex/kids/baggage?

Do you expect the man to pay for everything or come off like a princess?

What are your red flags?

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General relationships
PsychoHotSauce · 07/03/2025 10:33

Are you giving off a vibe that sex is off the table til later? Because ime men will pursue a few dates for a sure thing. But you still end up in the same place, they just ghost once they've got what they wanted and wasted your time.

So it might be disheartening, but it's actually a good thing. You're weeding out the non-serious ones as early as possible?

bigkahunaburger · 07/03/2025 12:33

I go on many first dates and I have always been asked for a second except one and I don't know why that was. In that one I did bang on about my abusive ex cos it came up so that was prob it.

I think I get asked on second dates for two reasons. 1. My pics arent super flattering so I know I look better in person. My theory is if they fancy me from pics they will defo fancy me in person and be pleasantly surprised. I make sure there are plenty of my body so they can see body type.

  1. I never talk about abusive ex (and the one time I did he wasn't interested), kids or ask them much about them. I keep it funny and light. I'm not flirty though. And I always meet up in the daytime at first.

I keep it to hr/hr and a half tops! And I always make them come to me and they have to message first and be the main initiators of contact. I've learnt that if it's the other way round they are rarely really interested. Might sound sexist but it's true

Original poster
sad34 · 07/03/2025 13:54

I think I am just myself on a date - chatty, friendly and witty. I don’t talk about ex boyfriends because I’ve never had a serious relationship. I think my pictures are a fairly accurate representation of what I look like! I think perhaps the dates are going on for too long and I drink a bit too much sometimes, so what I think is a connection / us having a good time and getting on is actually just because we are a bit boozed. Still though, it’s bloody deflating and horrible to be constantly rejected.

OP posts:
Pyjamatimenow · 07/03/2025 14:14

@sad34 drinking too much will see them off as well. Have 1-2 and then make your excuses

ManHereSorry · 07/03/2025 16:03

Hmm if you’re getting pissed that may well put them off, depending on whether you can handle your drink or not. Keep it light.

Quinlan · 07/03/2025 16:12

What do you mean by saying they don’t make an effort so you stop replying? What is it they’re doing that you deem not making an effort? What is it you expect after a first date?
I’m sure some of them don’t want to talk to you again, but if others do and you’re then ghosting them because you think they’re not trying hard enough… that sends up “hard work” signals. Maybe. Maybe they really are being disinterested and rubbish! Only you know.

Stop getting drunk on the first date, keep it light and fun with good conversation to learn about each other but not too heavy. I always got asked on second dates, didn’t always want one! And a year and a half ago, a man asked me on a second date and we are not in love and committed and been together ever since. You just have to find the right one who you want and who wants you back, but it takes a lot of dating to find the one you really want!

isitme111 · 07/03/2025 19:26

Quinlan · 07/03/2025 16:12

What do you mean by saying they don’t make an effort so you stop replying? What is it they’re doing that you deem not making an effort? What is it you expect after a first date?
I’m sure some of them don’t want to talk to you again, but if others do and you’re then ghosting them because you think they’re not trying hard enough… that sends up “hard work” signals. Maybe. Maybe they really are being disinterested and rubbish! Only you know.

Stop getting drunk on the first date, keep it light and fun with good conversation to learn about each other but not too heavy. I always got asked on second dates, didn’t always want one! And a year and a half ago, a man asked me on a second date and we are not in love and committed and been together ever since. You just have to find the right one who you want and who wants you back, but it takes a lot of dating to find the one you really want!

It's probably the booze. The way to find out is to do shorter dates stick to one drink and see what the responses are like afterwards.

Edited to say
I'm not sure why my post has tagged the previous reply. I don't seem to be able to delete it either!

biscuitsandbooks · 07/03/2025 19:28

I wouldn't be drinking on a first date with a stranger personally - at least, not more than one.

Why are you ignoring their messages? I'd not bother chasing up someone who didn't text me back Confused

JoyDreamer86 · 07/03/2025 19:37

Yes be interesting to know if you have more luck with quicker coffee type dates. Maybe you arent giving off the right vibes if you are a bit more tipsy than you realise. I know men who have been put off meeting a woman again who had already been drinking before meeting, if that's ever been the case?

IThoughtHeWasWithYou · 07/03/2025 19:42

You say you feel they don’t make much effort so you stop replying.

If someone I had been on a date with stopped replying to me, I wouldn’t bother chasing them for a second date. Maybe that’s your problem.

Mayhem01 · 07/03/2025 20:07

There was a thread on here a few days ago where the poster said they didn’t get second dates when they normally would and the men seemed like they wanted to leave straight away.

I haven’t done online dating for some time and I am probably in an older age group than you so I don’t know sorry!

Original poster
sad34 · 14/03/2025 12:17

Well I had date number 8 this week… same thing, had a good time, we seemed to be getting on well, we talked about meeting again.. still messaging a bit but no sign of a second date yet!!! It’s so deflating

OP posts:
Quinlan · 14/03/2025 12:32

sad34 · 14/03/2025 12:17

Well I had date number 8 this week… same thing, had a good time, we seemed to be getting on well, we talked about meeting again.. still messaging a bit but no sign of a second date yet!!! It’s so deflating

Why don’t you ask for the second date? You sound very old fashioned by wanting them to do all the work and chasing and planning dates. Some men want to do that, some want you to make a bit of effort. Some are just messing you around. Thats dating and it kind of sucks, but you need to go through it if you want to find someone.
You have a good first date, you’re still chatting. Ask the guy out on a second date, just say you’re free on X,Y, Z weekend and would he like to for drinks or something. Then you’ll see if he wants to or not.

Original poster
sad34 · 14/03/2025 14:29

Because my experience of doing that is they just reject me! What would be a normal amount to message the days after a date?

OP posts:
JoyDreamer86 · 16/03/2025 21:35

It is difficult. Too much messaging could just be intial attraction and if it's too much too soon can die out. But if the guy isnt in touch much at all in the days after a date that's not generally a good sign. You could instigate the question of a second date then see how they respond.

ManchesterGirl2 · 16/03/2025 21:42

I feel like you're playing games a bit, wanting them to do all the running, never asking for the second date yourself. I think it's better just to be straightforward with people if you like them, and accept the rejection if need be.

SkaneTos · 16/03/2025 21:45

Ask for a second date if you like the person!

JoyDreamer86 · 11/04/2025 17:51

sad34 · 14/03/2025 14:29

Because my experience of doing that is they just reject me! What would be a normal amount to message the days after a date?

Was clearing out and came across this thread- any luck OP?

Original poster
sad34 · 27/06/2025 13:38

I am coming back to this thread. I dated a guy for a few months but I knew it wasn’t going to work out long term.

Had such a great first date earlier this week. Thought we got on really well but the chat since has been awful. He isn’t asking any questions and only sending emojis at times.

He hasn’t asked me out on another date so I’ve deleted his number. Now I wish I hadn’t because I want to ask him out. Arghhh does anyone have any advice!

OP posts:
Fastingandhungry · 27/06/2025 14:12

What sort of things do you do for a date? Meal, activity? Do you have anything in common with them before you meet.

Original poster
sad34 · 27/06/2025 14:21

we go for drinks and I do get quite drunk, which I know is bad and I’ve got to stop. But I only drink with them because they are drinking too, it’s not like I am the one carrying it on.

OP posts:
Original poster
sad34 · 27/06/2025 15:55

Can anyone offer some wisdom to make me feel better about myself?

OP posts: