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Original poster

Strange neighbour or am I being harsh.

102 replies

Readytoevolve · 19/02/2025 20:04

So here are the facts.

We are new to our estate. One neighbour has taken a keen interest in being friendly and asking a million questions, he’s very nosey.
He loves telling neighbours he knows us and is over familiar towards us when other neighbours are around.
One day I was walking and I saw him walking towards me after a run, he spotted me, ran again then stopped as though he was just stopping for the first time. Quite performative.
He has a DD 3 similar age to mine and they do like to play outside (supervised) When he speaks to my children he tends to get up close to talk to the them, in their face sort of.
One day he took my DD’s hand and spun her around like he was dancing with her, but did so vigorously and she fell, he didn’t care or comment. He takes a keen interest in what she’s wearing and will touch her clothes to ask what’s that picture type things on your top. Happened maybe 3 times.
His daughter is a lovely kid, but incredibly withdrawn in my opinion.
His wife is lovely but I have never seen her out with her DC without him, ever. They walk to collect the children from nursery every single day as a family, I mean nothing wrong with that, but unusual as I don’t see anyone else do that. I feel like he can’t leave his wife to talk to anyone else without supervision.
He attends DD’s and his DD’s baby ballet class to watch as a full family unit, where as I just take DD and DH and other DC stay at home.

I don’t get a good vibe. Am I being harsh or should a man ever touch or dance with another child. When it happens I feel frozen. Like, he’s my neighbour. I can’t say don’t touch my kid cause what he’s doing is somewhat harmless but also in my opinion crossing a boundary. I can’t start an argument. As it stands, our children will attend same school, we live in the same estate, we’re pretty stuck with them. And he’s always outside walking passed our house.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 19/02/2025 20:13

I think this is the point at which we actually have to grow up and deal with the situation on behalf of our children. I'm not criticising you here, it's just it's not the sort of thing that you experience before you have children. You need to be able to say to him "Please don't touch my child" and move away quickly. He sounds like a real creep. That might not come naturally to you but you have to learn. It would be interesting to see if any the other neighbours have any comments about him.

Itsfreezingcold · 19/02/2025 20:15

Your gut is always right. I would try to avoid him as much as possible and when you do have to interact keep it polite but brief.

Have you made contact with others in the estate? Has anyone said anything about him?

Agree with PP that you need to set limits with him.

FictionalCharacter · 19/02/2025 20:28

he took my DD’s hand and spun her around like he was dancing with her, but did so vigorously and she fell, he didn’t care or comment.
This should have been enough.
Your OP made me feel sick. This man is at the very least a creep. You absolutely can say "don't touch my child". Ignore him if he acts hurt. Your child's safety is way, way more important than your fear of appearing rude to someone. You owe him absolutely nothing.

PashaMinaMio · 19/02/2025 20:32

Mother! Listen to your gut! It’s your second brain. Something is telling you his actions are not acceptable.
You have the right to tell him “please don’t touch her.”

Glitchymn1 · 19/02/2025 20:32

Trust your gut and keep an eye /ear on his DD if anything untoward happens please report it.

As for your own DD, I know he’s a neighbour and you don’t want to fall out but you need to advocate for your child. You don’t have to be rude, but I would say ‘she doesn’t like being touched/ doesn’t like men (whatever!) so probably best you don’t touch her haha, sorry!”

If he does it again after that, my red mist would descend and I’d probably aggressively grab his clothes and pass comment or if I was in a good mood remove his hand and say, stop touching my child.

Reading your post makes my skin crawl. What he’s doing isn’t normal and I can’t see any man - or woman doing that (and I have DD 9, so know plenty of school mums and dads).

TeacupsAndCakes · 19/02/2025 20:33

You're definitely right - somethings not right with this situation and it wouldn't sit well with me either.
I'm a bit worried about his wife too tbh as it sounds like he may be coercive/controlling behind closed doors and I worry she has noone to tell, especially if he never let's her out without him.
Also he shouldn't be touching your child, even if it's checking a pic on her top or dancing, it's inappropriate and way too familiar. I'd hate it. The fact you said his child seems withdrawn too just rings alarm bells to me. I'm wondering if you could ring local health visitor or something to see if they could do a safeguarding visit? Or i would ring 101 (Police) and mention it to them, as I feel like something needs to be flagged. They don't need to know it was you either.

Original poster
Readytoevolve · 19/02/2025 20:37

So the touching situation started recently and we have avoided since, by keeping walking when we meet them and keeping it to just polite conversation and saying hi to his DC.

DH is ready to say, oh remember DD , we learned that we don’t touch other people, as a very polite nudge to him. Personally I don’t think I could hide my irk and I’d come across much ruder, which could cause conflict.

I’m glad you agree with our feelings. I have said I think it might be step 1 on grooming, by creating a familiarity with him. It’s quite the statement which is why it’s reserved for the anonymity of mumsnet.
The line “she doesn’t like to be touched” is good. I’ll use that if I can remember at the right time.

OP posts:
RaveToTheGrave1 · 19/02/2025 20:38

Oh heck no that'd put me right on edge, you don't know if his kid is withdrawn cos they get touched inappropriately, that's where my head would be!

Notmanyleftnow · 19/02/2025 20:42

I'm autistic and the asking a million questions and touching clothes due to sensory seeking, combined with social inappropriateness and standing too close could equally be due to that.

Allthesnowallthetime · 19/02/2025 20:45

My parents did not stand up for me when a man hurt me. They didn't want to upset him.

Don't do that to your daughter.

Whatisthisbs · 19/02/2025 20:49

I came to say the exact same thing. Trust your instincts. Somebody I know - her DH did the exact same thing - school runs, after school classes/play dates - he was always there. Turns out, 10 years later, that everybody who thought the same as you do now were all right

FoolishHips · 19/02/2025 20:51

Notmanyleftnow · 19/02/2025 20:42

I'm autistic and the asking a million questions and touching clothes due to sensory seeking, combined with social inappropriateness and standing too close could equally be due to that.

I really don't think many autistic people touch people's clothes!

Notmanyleftnow · 19/02/2025 20:54

FoolishHips · 19/02/2025 20:51

I really don't think many autistic people touch people's clothes!

Show quote history

I do, if I forget myself. Then I apologise.

NiftyKoala · 19/02/2025 20:55

healthybychristmas · 19/02/2025 20:13

I think this is the point at which we actually have to grow up and deal with the situation on behalf of our children. I'm not criticising you here, it's just it's not the sort of thing that you experience before you have children. You need to be able to say to him "Please don't touch my child" and move away quickly. He sounds like a real creep. That might not come naturally to you but you have to learn. It would be interesting to see if any the other neighbours have any comments about him.

This. Honestly the faster you do it the better.

NiftyKoala · 19/02/2025 20:56

Notmanyleftnow · 19/02/2025 20:42

I'm autistic and the asking a million questions and touching clothes due to sensory seeking, combined with social inappropriateness and standing too close could equally be due to that.

Whether the neighbor is autistic or not it's not ok and it needs to stop.

Notmanyleftnow · 19/02/2025 20:58

NiftyKoala · 19/02/2025 20:56

Whether the neighbor is autistic or not it's not ok and it needs to stop.

Show quote history

I agree.
I was just adding a different perspective. The OP might be reassured that it's not necessarily grooming.

BorneoBop · 19/02/2025 20:59

Readytoevolve · 19/02/2025 20:37

So the touching situation started recently and we have avoided since, by keeping walking when we meet them and keeping it to just polite conversation and saying hi to his DC.

DH is ready to say, oh remember DD , we learned that we don’t touch other people, as a very polite nudge to him. Personally I don’t think I could hide my irk and I’d come across much ruder, which could cause conflict.

I’m glad you agree with our feelings. I have said I think it might be step 1 on grooming, by creating a familiarity with him. It’s quite the statement which is why it’s reserved for the anonymity of mumsnet.
The line “she doesn’t like to be touched” is good. I’ll use that if I can remember at the right time.

Please address this directly and proactively with this man right now.

Do not wait for another incident. He has over stepped at least twice.

I wouldnt say that your DD doesnt like to be touched - I would tell him that he should never touch any child. Tell him the two incidents - taking her hand and touching her T shirt are unacceptable. Be direct and calm with eye contact.

Nevr let your DD near this family. Watch him like a hawk at ballet - and intervene or alert other parents if needed.

This is extremely high risk situation.

BorneoBop · 19/02/2025 21:02

Readytoevolve · 19/02/2025 20:37

So the touching situation started recently and we have avoided since, by keeping walking when we meet them and keeping it to just polite conversation and saying hi to his DC.

DH is ready to say, oh remember DD , we learned that we don’t touch other people, as a very polite nudge to him. Personally I don’t think I could hide my irk and I’d come across much ruder, which could cause conflict.

I’m glad you agree with our feelings. I have said I think it might be step 1 on grooming, by creating a familiarity with him. It’s quite the statement which is why it’s reserved for the anonymity of mumsnet.
The line “she doesn’t like to be touched” is good. I’ll use that if I can remember at the right time.

as a very polite nudge to him.

NO!! Do not be polite. Do not use your DD to do this.

Be blunt and direct.

What he is doing is crossing a well understood accepatable boundary - make sure he knows you know.

NameChangedOfc · 19/02/2025 21:04

He is grooming you to get to your child. You're not being harsh at all.

252833z · 19/02/2025 21:08

This guy would be far too familiar for my liking, it makes my skin crawl.
To know that you, as your DC's mum, feel there's something not right, means you should go with that gut feeling.
I'm thinking that you know what to do OP, your DH feels it too, you must definitely remember if you encounter him again with your DC to out and out tell him firmly, that you don't want him to touch your child.
For him to see your child fall over after dancing with her, and then not to be concerned or say he was sorry, is very telling.

Fencehedge · 19/02/2025 21:09

"GET your hands off immediately, you do NOT touch! What the HELL do you think you're playing at?" *fierce glare

No room for politeness. You suspect his DC is being abused?

Can you get a Sarah's Law request?

sankacoolrunnings · 19/02/2025 21:14

If you think it you're probably right... is where I stand on this.

Just ignore him, be abrupt if you have to speak to him. Make sure your DD knows not to engage with him in case she ever sees him on her own eg at a school event or party.

Crazybaby123 · 19/02/2025 21:14

All of these things as one off individual things seem quite normal or inconsequential. However putting them together it seems really weird and your gut is also telling you something is off. I would remain civil, just don't get trapped into a false sense of security and try and keep your distance. You just never know what is going on behind closed doors and if something is off it is off. I can't stand overly friendly people, they give me the creeps. Usually, from experience there is something really off if someone is overly friendly or overly withdrawn.

FictionalCharacter · 19/02/2025 21:16

BorneoBop · 19/02/2025 21:02

as a very polite nudge to him.

NO!! Do not be polite. Do not use your DD to do this.

Be blunt and direct.

What he is doing is crossing a well understood accepatable boundary - make sure he knows you know.

Show quote history

Absolutely.
I don’t think I could hide my irk and I’d come across much ruder, which could cause conflict. Please don't think like this. A bit of "conflict" with a neighbour who behaves inappropriately is fine. The consequences of not stopping him could be catastrophic for your child. These threads always upset me, as a victim of CSA at a very young age. People who don't stand up for their children enrage me. Believe me, you don't want your daughter to hate you the way I hate my parents for not protecting me.

And don't say "don't touch her, she doesn't like it". That makes it look like the the problem is her, not him, as though she's abnormal for not wanting to be touched by him. HE is the abnormal one - his behaviour is utterly wrong.

You don't owe him politeness or explanations. Say "don't touch her". If he whinges or asks why, just repeat. "I said don't touch her". Repeat as many times as you have to and ignore him if he plays the victim. But please, please, don't risk your little girl's safety and comfort just because you feel obliged to be nice to a man.

teachermummyme · 19/02/2025 21:18

I also think there are some red flags here. I would also be watching him like a hawk at all times and reducing contact with him where's possible. You need to make sure that you don't let your guard down, particularly as time goes on there's a danger that you won't be so alert.

I agree with others that you need to tell him directly and firmly that it's not ok to touch someone else's child. I really understand how uncomfortable this is, and that a polite, non-confrontational way to try and get the message across would be preferable. But remember that by saying this directly and forcefully to him in front of your daughter you'll be sending her a powerful message that this behaviour is not ok, and that it's ok to stand up and speak up when you don't feel comfortable even if it risks upsetting the other person.

If you're likely to live there a while and kids will go to the same school etc I would also be worried about potential play dates in the future. I would NEVER let my child play there alone even if you start to think he's less of a threat as time goes on. If it were me I'd also be educating my daughter on z boundaries and consent etc so that she knows what's ok and what isn't ok and is equipped to talk to you about it if something happens that concerns her.

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