Strange neighbour or am I being harsh.

[Readytoevolve]

So here are the facts.

We are new to our estate. One neighbour has taken a keen interest in being friendly and asking a million questions, he’s very nosey.
He loves telling neighbours he knows us and is over familiar towards us when other neighbours are around.
One day I was walking and I saw him walking towards me after a run, he spotted me, ran again then stopped as though he was just stopping for the first time. Quite performative.
He has a DD 3 similar age to mine and they do like to play outside (supervised) When he speaks to my children he tends to get up close to talk to the them, in their face sort of.
One day he took my DD’s hand and spun her around like he was dancing with her, but did so vigorously and she fell, he didn’t care or comment. He takes a keen interest in what she’s wearing and will touch her clothes to ask what’s that picture type things on your top. Happened maybe 3 times.
His daughter is a lovely kid, but incredibly withdrawn in my opinion.
His wife is lovely but I have never seen her out with her DC without him, ever. They walk to collect the children from nursery every single day as a family, I mean nothing wrong with that, but unusual as I don’t see anyone else do that. I feel like he can’t leave his wife to talk to anyone else without supervision.
He attends DD’s and his DD’s baby ballet class to watch as a full family unit, where as I just take DD and DH and other DC stay at home.

I don’t get a good vibe. Am I being harsh or should a man ever touch or dance with another child. When it happens I feel frozen. Like, he’s my neighbour. I can’t say don’t touch my kid cause what he’s doing is somewhat harmless but also in my opinion crossing a boundary. I can’t start an argument. As it stands, our children will attend same school, we live in the same estate, we’re pretty stuck with them. And he’s always outside walking passed our house.

Any thoughts?

You may be autistic but your old enough to know what behaviour is right and what behaviour is wrong so no you wouldn't go round touching people's clothes.

"he’s my neighbour. I can’t say don’t touch my kid"
Yes you can

" I can’t start an argument"
Yes you can.

You can and should put your child's welfare above peace with the neighbour.

Trust your gut op!

Sounds like he's being inappropriate in plain site.

A bit like the pervy uncle stories you read on here where victims have been touched whilst families are present etc.

Your gut instinct tells you it's wrong so listen to you gut.

Never be afraid to start the argument OP!!
Your gut is telling you something is wrong and your child's safety comes above anything else. Who cares if your neighbour doesn’t like you after. If a parent won’t stand up for their child, who will?!

Reading your post makes me feel sick! You know he isn’t right and that’s enough to shout as loudly as you need to until he gets it.

OP protect your dd but all I'm thinking is what about his 'withdrawn' dd , can you maybe see if mum a d child would meet without him? And get an idea if his dd needs help too

He does not sound right in the head to me.

Why are people saying be polite to this creep? I would blast him from here to next week! Men like this don't understand polite. I used to work in a public facing role and came across handsy creeps quite often. As an adult I was able to say get your fucking filthy hands off me. A child can't, so you need to do it for her.

@Readytoevolve stay away from this man. Otherwise your child will think he’s a safe person. He isn’t. She will also think that it’s ok for men to touch her whenever they choose to. That’s not ok. The fact that he didn’t care when he hurt her tells you that his interest in children is not natural.

Maybe he is autistic, and just doesn't know how to behave naturally.

I feel that if he were a true danger to your daughter, he wouldn't be so open and odd/awkward when dancing (especially in front of adults). It just seems like he doesn't know how to behave. Some people are innocent.

That strange dance he did with your child is so weird. The whole thing is so awkward (because of him).

Hopefully as the years go on maybe there will be changes like they move away or the family separates and he moves somewhere else. I would just keep focus on making sure your child is not with him ever.

It sounds like a neurodiverse family to me. The man doesn’t follow social rules, the child seems quiet and withdrawn, the mum doesn’t like to be out without him, none of them likely work as they all walk to school together daily.

You can be ND and a predator.

If he isnt predator - then he would appreciate being informed of appropriate social boundaries.

I would continue trying to avoid them. However, I would also be watching them like a hawk wherever possible just to see if you can notice anything whilst they aren’t aware you’re watching. Keep a record of things that don’t sit right with you etc in case you need to inform the police etc.

Do you know their names to see if you can find anything online about any of them?! Do some digging perhaps.

It really could be completely harmless however I would air on the side of caution and trust your gut! X

I agree. Grooming is normally far more covert and unprotected, vulnerable children are normally chosen.
I dont imagine that grooming takes place in full view of 2 vigilant parents. A groomer wants an easy target.
The withdrawn daughter is probably autistic too.

Excellent post!!

I'm feeling icky just reading your post OP…. Please listen to your gut, we have “gut feelings” for a reason.

Many predators groom in this way - very overt so that they can claim 'plausible deniability' when called out.

They develop a deliberate 'quirky' persona - think Jimmy Saville, Rolf Harris, Russel Brand.

Maybe, but maybe not....

You are wrong on every single point.

All advice is appreciated. I will tell him to leave her alone, but honestly in the past couple of weeks we have avoided like the plague. I saw him today and it got me thinking again. I get quite wound up.
He may have picked up already that we are staying away. Not fair on his wife as she is a nice woman.
I don’t think he’s autistic, he’s in a medical field and his wife is a head teacher.
I will never allow a play date or any other sort of meetings only outside by chance on the green.

In terms of neighbours and stuff…. Do I mention that I find him uncomfortable, should it come up? I feel like people should know that there are red flags coming out of his ears.

Is it just me, or on EVERY single post on MN now, does somebody turn up and say "oh they might be autistic" and then nobody can criticise for fear of being ableist. This is not a fucking excuse for poor behaviour. I am so sick of it.

No I'm not. Most sexual abuse takes place in the home. It's done to children who are vulnerable and easy to control (as they're dependent).

Sure, there are cases outside of this but it's far rarer as its extremely risky.

Doesnt matter how 'rare' you declare CSA outside of the home to be - its one too many and it has life long devastating consequences.

We need to be extra vigilant with our children in every setting.

Wait until you find someone you trust and ask if they know that family. See what they come out with.

Listen OP, you can't go around claiming that people are grooming predators, gossiping about them amongst your neighbours and warning people off them because you sense red flags.

Some of the posts on here are ridiculously histrionic. The man hasn't done anything remotely recognisable as grooming or abuse.

The man sounds textbook autistic to me. I'm a teacher and I recognise his behaviours immediately as those of someone with autism. Inappropriate questions, no awareness of personal space, lack of understanding of socially acceptable behaviours and so on. People working in the medical profession are not immune from being autistic. In fact, many branches of the medical profession are perfectly suited to those with autism!

You don't feel comfortable with your neighbour being around your child, and that's absolutely ok - ensure she is safely away from him if that's what makes you feel comfortable.

However, that doesn't give you the right to start talking about him with your neighbours and suggesting he is a paedophile, which is essentially what you are saying. You have no actual evidence to suggest his behaviour is in any way intended to harm your child or children in general. You are new to the area and don't know this family well yet. Our initial gut instincts can be right, but they can also be very wrong. Starting a malicious rumour about someone with no evidence other than you think he's creepy and he touched your daughter's t shirt a couple of times is really not ok and could actually land you in hot water if he gets wind of it and takes offence. I'd keep my eyes and ears open and see if I could glean some information about the family from other neighbours in a discreet way - but I'd certainly not be starting any conversations or accusing him of anything publicly.