NC mother is dying (apparently)

[Veeeeentilationtimecomeon]

Very long story short, abusive mother, who allowed her abusive husband to abuse me too, absolutely awful woman who I've been NC with for years. I have millions of stories of how horrendous she has been, and the only stories I have of her being nice is when it's benefitted her somehow.

Cut to tonight, a message from my brother (also NC with him as his version of our mother was very different to my version and we fell out) basically saying that our mother is very, very unwell, has been in hospital for a few weeks (which I knew about anyway) but that she has asked I don't be informed (whilst telling multiple people who would inform me) and that the staff on the ward have all been warned that I haven't to see her, I'm not allowed on the ward etc, and that people are taking it in shifts to stay with her in case I show up, just so I'm aware.

Now I really don't care that she's unwell, if I did I would have showed up weeks ago when her flying monkeys started relaying messages that she "didn't want me to know".

I have the absolute rage that I don't even speak to her, have anything to do with her, try and contact her or show any interest in her life and she's still using me to create a drama and get attention.

She told multiple people years ago that when she dies she has written me a letter that will be sent out detailing all the reasons she's great and I'm crap, so if she really is as unwell as she says I have that to look forward to as well I suppose.

Honestly all I want is my quiet life in my quiet little corner of the world, with my kids, and every 2 or 3 years she tries to reel me into some type of drama which I quietly deal with and then ignore and move on.

I know there's nothing I can do, I can't exactly call the hospital and tell the staff I wouldn't show up anyway, just needed a vent I suppose, if I do it irl it will get back to her and cause yet another drama.

Is it bad that I will be relieved when she finally does go?

No it’s not bad, it’s totally understandable. I’m sorry she is still managing to wrangle with you. Whatever you feel after she is gone is acceptable and might not be what you expect to feel. Look after yourself.

Perfectly understandable.
My father who I was NC with claimed to be dying many times and then one time he was and I still didn't go and see him.
I didn't go to his funeral either and have no regrets at all

I’ve been in this near exact position apart from with me when my mum was admitted she was pretty much unconscious and couldn’t talk, so never banned me from the hospital. I found out she’d been admitted and rang the ward who gave me some information. I then got a ranty phone call from a neighbour of hers who I didn’t know demanding to know how I knew. She calmed down and then convinced me to visit. I did quite a few times before she died and to be honest I regret going, she was beyond talking so we never had a conversation but I think she knew I was there.

But yes, I got the letter from beyond the grave. Several a4 pages detailing how much she hated me, what an awful, selfish person I am, how she hopes I have a miserable, awful life, etc. so I feel angry I wasted time visiting her. The letter actually made me feel better, reinforced my original opinion of her, that she was a nasty witch who didn’t deserve a minute of my time. I was very much at peace afterwards. Yes, it was initially upsetting I guess but I know that was her intention and I won’t give her the satisfaction. I actually think she fucked up. If she had written me a letter saying how much she loved me and how much she regretted the breakdown of our relationship that would probably have eaten me up for years!

Don’t let her get to you. You don’t have to read any letter from her if you don’t want. I knew though I couldn’t burn it without reading it and I’m glad I read it. I’m glad she died, it was a relief. No more dreading the chance she might just rock up at the house. Do not expect others to understand. Look after yourself.

Surely your reply was. Who's this? Then delete and block. Shut them all out of your mind..
Been nc with dps for decades.... And it will stay that way.

Only people who’ve had appalling parents will understand this. You’ll get well-meaning advice about reconciliation and that trite cliché, “you only have one mum” 🤮 from people who can’t possibly comprehend.

Ignore them, as well as her.

“Is it bad that I will be relieved when she finally does go?” Absolutely not.

The ‘flying monkeys’ are in the hope or expectation of some kind of reaction by you, that she can then perversely enjoy that she can still get to you. So no reaction is the best response (no response).
You may have some mixed feelings when she dies, yes relief, but also a bit of regret that she isn’t, wasn’t and can now never be a decent mother to you.

It may be a good idea, should the threatened letter ever arrive, that you burn it rather than read it, and let the ash blow away in the wind. 💐

Thank you all.

I'm absolutely not going, banned or not, even if she was begging I wouldn't. I won't be showing up to her funeral either, although I'm sure she's made up wanted posters with my face on it to hand out for that too.

Just every few years she gets bored and does things like tells SS I'm beating up my kids or abusing them, or tells the police I'm a prostitute or a drug dealer, and I just deal with it, answer their questions, and don't tell a soul so she doesn't get the satisfaction of knowing anything.

She took my childhood, she's tried to ruin my adulthood, she's tried her best to get my kids removed from me, and I've done precisely nothing to this woman bar going NC with her.

When her death letter finally comes I won't be reading it, I could probably tell you word for word what it would say anyway.

So sorry that many of you are in this same boat.

I absolutely cannot fathom having so much venom for your own child, I really can't.

My estranged mother died 2 weeks ago quite suddenly. My father , her ex husband , showed up and spoke to me through my ring , telling me she'd died and thought I'd like to know. A few hours later and the obituary goes up, myself and my husband are left off it but my son is there . Df refuses to contact my brother to remove my sons name , as his mother just died 😒 the last two weeks have been some of the worst of my life , not because she is dead but because everyone in my small town is avoiding me because of the lies being told my my dB. These types of women seem to still be able to wreck havoc even beyond the grave. I've no doubt had she not died suddenly that I've have gotten a letter too. All you can do op is keep the head down , ignore the flying monkeys and it'll all pass eventually. I understand the frustration and the want to be left alone in peace.

It's not bad at all - I totally understand.if you don't want anything to do with her.
If you do receive any letters from her I wouldn't even bother reading them either - just burn them x

Quite the correct response I'd say. NC means just that re her, and her acolytes aswell. Silence is golden.

She is/was very jealous of you, for whatever reason. Enjoy that thought.

No, not bad at all. Your mother seems hell bent on causing drama in your life now and even from beyond the grave with her planned letter. It's easier said than done, but try to ignore your mother and her flying monkeys, they're goading you into reacting. The best response is no response. As for the letter, I would bin it unopened.

It's either your mum up to her usual manipulation, or it's your mum having her final stir of the pot. Either way, it affirms the choices you've made. Lots of us have been there. Wishing you peace xx

It’s so sad that there are so many of us who are or who have been in a similar situation.
I pride myself on being a far better mother than mine and my kids know that they have always, and will always, be loved. I think my mother was jealous of that, she was incapable of love.

Not at all op

It's coming up to the 5 year anniversary of my estrangement from my dm and family

All I feel is grateful. 5 years!

You've done amazingly to have kept going and build yourself a little life and raise your kids. And i bet you're a better mum than you've ever had the experience of.

If she's told you this and you can't go and see her, and you don't want to see her, you're doing all you need to do.

The havoc that some people can create eh

Wishing you the best, op. You can survive this. And maybe her passing will allow you to move on in peace x

I've blocked my brothers number now, he's not actually a bad guy, just he and I had very different childhoods, my mother told me daily she didn't want a girl, I remember being about 9 and apologising for having a vagina 🤣, (and then she put tobasco sauce in my mouth and made me stand there for ages with it which wasn't quite so funny).

Old golden balls was treated like a prince, bed made, fed, every toy he ever wanted, whereas I had nothing, I had to get a paper round at 11 just to feed myself.

The other thing is that when she dies I know she will also put 2 of my children's names in her obituary, not my living children who are, apparently, an embarrassment, between being gay, my daughters not being feminine enough, being autistic and then the one who "moved to get away from me" (he's doing very well in uni and talks to me daily) my kids bring shame to the family. I have 2 children who died and she just absolutely loves to grief vulture her way into sympathy for that too so their names will likely be on there which makes me so bloody angry too.

There's me saying I nothing her, but I am actually really angry that even in her (potential) death she's using her last days to get at me.

All I've said to the flying monkeys are "that sounds stressful for you" or "I hope you're looking after yourself too", just keeping it neutral so as not to stir up more shit.

I'm so sorry @romdowa that's so recent, and a lot to contend with 💐

Her death letter will be burned, I won't let her get the last word in.

Ignore all the drama and carry on with your life. Block the flying monkeys.

I am NC with my mother and all relatives on her side of the family.

I have zero interest in being informed of anything that happens to her.

If your mother is spiteful and manipulative enough to still want to create drama while she is in hospital and is even making plans for a nasty letter to reach you after her death, it just proves that you made the right decision when you chose to remove her negativity from your life.

I saw something online, probably Facebook or tiktok that said basically when you have an abusive childhood you tend to become the parent that you wish you would have had, and that's always stuck with me.

My kids have always come to me with any problem, however big or small or personal, and I have been there to help them always, even now my older 2 are adults they still do and they tell me how grateful they are.

It was worth suffering everything she did/still does to be that Mum to my kids.

Even though I've made peace for the most part, it still gets me when she does stuff like this.

Thank you all, I feel really validated by this thread and I am so sorry that so many of you understand this feeling, we all deserved better.

My NC father is currently dying, I'm not going to see him. I would like him to hurry up and die so I can go back to pretending he doesn't exist.
So, it's definitely not bad to think that!

Thank you. Another few weeks and it'll all be forgotten about , so I'm just counting down the days. On a side note if the obituary is posted online then you can contact the undertakers and they will edit it. I had to do it to get my sons name removed and they were very understanding.

That's pretty much where I am, just hurry up already. Her death won't impact my life apart from these dramas won't periodically pop up.

Such a weird feeling. Hope you're continuing to do OK.

In all honesty I'm not going to look, she can have her fake world and leave me in my real one.

Hope the next few weeks pass gently for you.

My flying monkeys still buzz around 20 years later. I have next to nothing to do with any of my extended family on that side but we all live in a relatively small place so our paths do cross.
My best revenge is to be happy and live my life to the fullest. I have been told that it annoys my aunt that I show no remorse and I'm happy. That makes me smile even more.
Don't read the letter when it comes. She doesn't deserve to have any time in your head.

Same here, relatively small place, thankfully my only family is my brother (and his wife who is exactly like my mother) and my Mother, but we know a lot of the same people.

i keep things short and polite, but she does like to diagnose me with mental illnesses as well, I have PND apparently, even though my youngest is 8, and I have munchausen by proxy because one of my daughters was in hospital for 8 weeks with sepsis a few yearback so I get a lot of head tilts. I could honestly write a book.

If you living your best life is annoying to someone that says everything about them, and they aren't worth your time.

I'm so sorry for the poisonous people who keep trying to inflict pain.
You seem incredibly level-headed and well-balanced despite the efforts of these people, and your own little family are very lucky to have you.

Sounds like your mother is just as determined as you are to have no relationship. I don't understand why this pisses you off so much? Your brother is the one who is acting strangely here.