NC mother is dying (apparently)

[Veeeeentilationtimecomeon]

Very long story short, abusive mother, who allowed her abusive husband to abuse me too, absolutely awful woman who I've been NC with for years. I have millions of stories of how horrendous she has been, and the only stories I have of her being nice is when it's benefitted her somehow.

Cut to tonight, a message from my brother (also NC with him as his version of our mother was very different to my version and we fell out) basically saying that our mother is very, very unwell, has been in hospital for a few weeks (which I knew about anyway) but that she has asked I don't be informed (whilst telling multiple people who would inform me) and that the staff on the ward have all been warned that I haven't to see her, I'm not allowed on the ward etc, and that people are taking it in shifts to stay with her in case I show up, just so I'm aware.

Now I really don't care that she's unwell, if I did I would have showed up weeks ago when her flying monkeys started relaying messages that she "didn't want me to know".

I have the absolute rage that I don't even speak to her, have anything to do with her, try and contact her or show any interest in her life and she's still using me to create a drama and get attention.

She told multiple people years ago that when she dies she has written me a letter that will be sent out detailing all the reasons she's great and I'm crap, so if she really is as unwell as she says I have that to look forward to as well I suppose.

Honestly all I want is my quiet life in my quiet little corner of the world, with my kids, and every 2 or 3 years she tries to reel me into some type of drama which I quietly deal with and then ignore and move on.

I know there's nothing I can do, I can't exactly call the hospital and tell the staff I wouldn't show up anyway, just needed a vent I suppose, if I do it irl it will get back to her and cause yet another drama.

Is it bad that I will be relieved when she finally does go?

I was NC with my mum for 10 years and then similar situation that she was in a hospice and wanted to see me.....I started the drive, then realised I didn't want to see her, I was doing it for other people and not for me so I turned around and went home again. I have never regretted it for a second. Do not feel pressured by anyone and do what's right for you.....my mum died a week later and I didn't go to her funeral either....my sister inherited everything (doesn't bother me at all) and I live a very quiet happy life without a narc mother. Lots of love to you

No it's not a bad feeling because you'll know that any hold (even remotely) she may have had on you will be gone.

I would advise her flying monkeys (i.e. anyone she has said not to get in touch with you but that are ignoring her wishes) simply "I've been made aware of my mother's condition. Thank you. Please feel free to actually follow her wishes and leave me out of any and all further updates on her condition, in fact I'd really appreciate it if you did."

The fact that they can still reach you, means that you haven't yet severed the links that bind you. Maybe you'd benefit from blocking more of these flying monkeys?

I had this, only I kept driving and went to see her. Several times. Such a big mistake! I went to the funeral as well but was first to leave and didn't go to the wake.
I did it for my sons. I wish I hadn't, I regret it hugely.
When DF dies I will not be breaking y NC.

Gosh so many of us in similar situations, it’s really quite shocking. Some people really shouldn’t have kids. I’m also out of the Will (don’t care and no money is worth putting up with that abuse). However mine also burnt every childhood photo of me and also of my late Nanna which makes me very sad. She was my Dad’s mum and tried to protect me from my Mum when I was very little, she also got so much hatred too and was my mother figure growing up. I was lucky to have her. Would have been nice to have photos to show my daughter as she’s named after my Nanna. From this thread it seems staying NC until the end seems to be very beneficial which is reassuring to hear as that’s my plan. Thanks all x

Slightly different but I'm very low contact with my brother. Was NC but my mum has recently relocated to be near my brother and I think I can safely say we are both back to LC because of mum. Will be civil now we are more likely to bump into eachother. Once she goes I won't be keeping in contact with him.

You aren’t unreasonable at all. Anybody who has has an abusive family will understand.
If you get a letter I would be tempted to write ‘Return to Sender’ on it, then burn it and have a chuckle to yourself that it’s returning to her as she burns in hell. I think that would be quite cathartic!

Thank you all.

I didn't realise how common the letter after death was.

I consider myself to be a relatively petty person at times, and I can definitely hold a grudge, but sitting and composing a letter to get the last word in after death is a level I would never stoop to. Especially to my own child.

Nobody really has my number, I live in a relatively small place so bump into people who then tell me things, my brother contacted my ex to get my number, but I'll probably get it changed now despite blocking my brother as she will have it now too, and ex won't be getting my new one.

Showing my brother the letter wouldn't make a difference, he sees what she saw, so me acting out as a teen from the abuse was me acting out and then her punishing me, the SA I suffered at the hands of her husband was an affair because I was a 'slutty' teen and my Mother is the Saint who forgave me, me moving out at 15 was me going off the rails because she had rules in place etc. He won't ever change his mind because that would put his whole existence into turmoil.

I wrote letters to my kids yesterday, it was really quite healing actually, I might not have had a good Mum but I'm trying my damn hardest to be a good Mum.

For everyone who has been here or will go through this in future I'm so sorry, we all deserved better 💐

How are you OP?