NC mother is dying (apparently)

[Veeeeentilationtimecomeon]

Very long story short, abusive mother, who allowed her abusive husband to abuse me too, absolutely awful woman who I've been NC with for years. I have millions of stories of how horrendous she has been, and the only stories I have of her being nice is when it's benefitted her somehow.

Cut to tonight, a message from my brother (also NC with him as his version of our mother was very different to my version and we fell out) basically saying that our mother is very, very unwell, has been in hospital for a few weeks (which I knew about anyway) but that she has asked I don't be informed (whilst telling multiple people who would inform me) and that the staff on the ward have all been warned that I haven't to see her, I'm not allowed on the ward etc, and that people are taking it in shifts to stay with her in case I show up, just so I'm aware.

Now I really don't care that she's unwell, if I did I would have showed up weeks ago when her flying monkeys started relaying messages that she "didn't want me to know".

I have the absolute rage that I don't even speak to her, have anything to do with her, try and contact her or show any interest in her life and she's still using me to create a drama and get attention.

She told multiple people years ago that when she dies she has written me a letter that will be sent out detailing all the reasons she's great and I'm crap, so if she really is as unwell as she says I have that to look forward to as well I suppose.

Honestly all I want is my quiet life in my quiet little corner of the world, with my kids, and every 2 or 3 years she tries to reel me into some type of drama which I quietly deal with and then ignore and move on.

I know there's nothing I can do, I can't exactly call the hospital and tell the staff I wouldn't show up anyway, just needed a vent I suppose, if I do it irl it will get back to her and cause yet another drama.

Is it bad that I will be relieved when she finally does go?

My Mother isn't determined not to have a relationship, she's saving face because I don't want a relationship.

It's hard to explain that type of person if you haven't encountered one, but she's making absolutely sure her messages get passed on by well meaning people, while playing the victim and getting attention the whole time.

I'm just going to shut down any talk of her from anyone, I just can't be arsed with the drama.

Stay NC. Keep yourself and family safe. I would say to read the letter, photo it (so you have a digital copy that your mother hasn’t handled and then burn the letter. Ignore the drama she’s creating. You are doing the best for you and family.

Stay NC, ignore & refuse to engage on the topic as you say. Live your own life and enjoy it. It’s all part of the cycle and quite typical of dysfunctional families.

I’m NC with my parents, mother was mentally but also seriously physically abusive to me when I was a small child and I’m not talking a slap on the legs here. Dad admitted he knew but nothing he could do and my mother was still very verbally/mentally cruel & toxic when I was an adult, whilst Dad just sat there saying we should put up with it for a quiet life.

I’ve made it clear to my siblings I won’t be attending any funerals in future or emotionally blackmailed into seeing my parents again. I know when the time comes there will be emotional blackmail & mind games as it’s the norm for my mum, but I’m already mentally bracing to stand my ground and refuse to engage. Siblings are fairly understanding as they see my parents mostly as I see them but are not NC. Think this is because we had slightly different childhoods as I was the oldest and had 10 years alone with my mum, so had a lot more physical violence than them. They’re close in age so had each other, plus I did protect them as much as possible, so theirs was more mental abuse growing up.

Also if she leaves any letters for me, I will burn without reading.

My cousins just been through similar. Her dad died last week (mum died a few years ago) of which she was no contact with both for around 23 years. Her dad made it clear she wasn't to know he was ill and her sister wasn't to tell her and not to tell her when he past. When people was messaging her that her dad was poorly but didn't want to see her, and also when he did pass she replied 'feelings mutual' or 'No love lost' it quickly stopped all the messages as people weren't getting the response and drama they wanted.

I have been NC with my mother for ten years and this is the kind of shit mine will pull if she become seriously ill. I am also sure there will be a letter from beyond the grave and it will also be a character assassination.

I've been NC with my mum for 25 years. I'm sure I'll get a FB message from my cousin to let me know when the time comes. I'll probably say something like "thanks for letting me know, sorry for your loss". If I were in your shoes I'd burn the letter and if anyone comes crawling to ask your reaction after reading it, be honest and say it's gone up in smoke (like your dear late mother)

You are being perfectly reasonable OP. I would ask everyone around you who is still on contact with your mother to stop updating you and continue to express firmly your lack of interest. Why is she creating such a drama out of you not coming when you haven’t showed up before?

I'm in the exact same situation OP, right down to the NC sibling and terminally ill DM.

As far as I am concerned, DM passed away the day I decided to no longer have any contact. I blocked DM on all phones, SM, etc, and I'd been deliberately coy about my physical address as I suspected the day was coming.

I give her no headspace whatsoever, and I'm not even interested in being informed if/when she does eventually go.

If I received a letter, it would simply be burned without a second thought. There is no curiosity, because there is nothing she could possibly say dead or alive that holds any interest for me.

Relationship with sibling I do not consider beyond the bounds of retrieval, but at best I could only ever see it being a case of being civil with each other and nothing more.

You have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed of or apprehensive about OP.

I'm so sorry you've had this. But I think I would be tempted to get a close friend to read this horrible letter and if it's as bad as you think send it to your brother so he can see just how awful she's been.
I know you aren't bothered about what he thinks but he could do to have his eyes opened.

Sounds like my Narc MIL who we had to stop contact because she was always the victim and made so much drama it was too stressful . No doubt we can look forward to a similar letter when we get there !🙄

I think just ignore .

I came running in to defend you against the whole "but you only have one mother" comments. It's bitter sweet that it's a thread of kids damaged by their parents just offering real support.

Oh apart from you .. possibly not your threat dear.

Estranged relationship goals 👌

Thank you all.

God there are so many of us in this situation. I'm sorry to all who are going through this or similar.

I know what this letter will say 100% maybe 25 years ago, for my brothers sake, we tried to discuss the issues.

She denied hitting me, she denied abusing me, and then she made it very clear that she considered the abuse I suffered at her husbands hands an affair that I instigated and she was good enough to forgive me for.

My brother knows this and agrees with her as she got in there first to put her spin on it. He is very reliant on her so I don't really blame him for taking the path that leads to the easiest life for him.

I'm not going to read it, there's no good can come from it it will either be the same old crap she's always said, but even if, somehow, miraculously, there's an apology, it will piss me off that she's had this letter for years and never tried to apologise before she died.

It's actually laughable that she keeps maliciously reporting me for abusing my kids while denying all she did to me.

I just can't imagine spending my last weeks or months on this earth continuing a grudge.

Sounds like she's still very toxic and still trying to upset you. Try and put it all to the back of your mind, easy for me to say I know 😞

If there is any letter,chuck it on the fire. I honestly wouldn't read it. Nothing good will come of it.

Sending love.

@Veeeeentilationtimecomeon I have one of those death letters coming too and will take great pleasure from burning it, unread. Good for you for holding strong and blocking a flying monkey. I am so sorry for what you went through, try to keep looking forward, you have escaped and are living your best life.

@Veeeeentilationtimecomeon the fact they do spend the last few months/weeks still putting so much effort into this manipulation game/drama tells you all you need to know. Enjoy your own family and life and move on. Sadly you’re not alone and the only way forward for us all, is to find a peaceful calm life away from them as best we can. I would recommend definitely not reading any letter, it’ll be her wanting the last word and could be brutal as it’s her last chance of landing a blow x

This has inspired me to write letters for my kids today though just in case I get hit by a bus or something. I want them to know how loved and important they are, and that I am sorry for any mistakes I ever made.

I guess that's something good to come from this.

he's not actually a bad guy, just he and I had very different childhoods

If the last letter is awful, show it your brother and ask him what kind of mother says that about her own daughter. That will open his eyes.

So sorry you are going through this. My NC parent tried much the same. Lots of people told me that she was in a hospice, moments to live etc. Also the letter thing, it seems to be a narc parent thing to send a bit of nastiness from beyond the grave for a final wounding that someone cannot argue or retaliate from.

I changed my phone number and only gave new number to a few people, plus work, and when the letter eventually arrived I opened the envelope and stuck the individual pages, without reading a word, directly into the wood burner. Bit of free heating and also I wanted to ensure that no words were left from stuck together pages.
Until the whole ‘your parent is dying but you are not allowed to go to the hospice’ malarkey, I hadn’t realised that some people were secret flying monkeys. They are not now.

Ignore, stick to your guns and burn or otherwise dispose of the letter. You don’t have to read it. Block your brother’s phone number. Live in peace that you are not under her control and that she is no longer able to contact you in any way.

Don’t open the letter, just shred or burn it. No good can come of reading it and it will be much more satisfying to think she didn’t get to have that final drama of you reading it.

Really love the notion of writing positive and loving letters to your children. Hope you don't mind if I steal this idea. 😍

I'm sorry that your mother is still trying to pull you into her toxic net.

Not bad at all. In your place, I would be planning some form of mild celebration when it's over.

I have found my people.
this will be my mother when the time comes.
Im dreading it. We have been non contact for a decade and she will play the victim to the bitter end.
i know I will grieve
not for her
but for the damage she caused and how had she wanted to change how it could have been different.
All I am grateful for is that I have done everything in my power to break the cycle with my children

I'll be going through this when the time comes

My brothers had a very different childhood to me and have full contact with her (let's face it,they want her money)

I'm the only one that's nc with the lot of them-I'm out in the cold for not agreeing to be their scapegoat

I know I'll get the flying monkeys,I'll get the letters,I'll get the crap for not being there (in other words 'you didn't wipe her arse when she needed you' I'm not doing it-they can if they are that bothered)and I won't be mentioned at her funeral (I don't care about that but I'd love to hear how my children fit in but I don't exist)

I know she's changed her will-and cut me out,she also 'can't remember my birthday'

Wouldnt it be the biggest coincidence in the world if she changed it on my birthday? (I know she's done it,I just have to wait to prove it)

If I get a letter,dp has agreed to burn it for me-i know he won't allow me to read it if I get tempted to (he's never told me what to do in my life but I know he will for that)

She's not having the final word,but I will have the 'thank fuck she's dead party' and I will celebrate so loudly,she'll hear it in hell