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Original poster

Never get house to selves

110 replies

Newyorklady · 09/02/2025 11:48

We have 2 adults sons in early twenties.
we love them both dearly however their girlfriends turn up every Friday and don’t go home until Sunday evening, Every week. Sometimes come in week too.
this means husband and I never get any time alone in our house of a weekend unless they go out on one of the evenings.
Both girlfriends live locally so I struggle to understand why they don’t stay at their houses more often,
when I ask my sons why they say they prefer it at ours as there is more to do.
This also means GF eat our food all weekend. We never get a Sunday lunch without being here.
both sons pay rent but very little in comparison to their earnings. Both earn good salaries.
im starting to feel like the GF families are into a good thing here.
They also leave a mess.
We both have full time jobs mine in lives travelling so time in the week is taken up.
Would it be unreasonable for them to spend at least one weekend a month at GF so we at least get house to selves ?
Am I being selfish expecting time to selves and some consideration.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newyorklady · 09/02/2025 18:28

Raised this with eldest DS who is mid twenties cannot see what the issue is .
I knew this would be his response.
Am not allowing this anymore.

OP posts:
biscuitsandbooks · 09/02/2025 18:30

Newyorklady · 09/02/2025 18:28

Raised this with eldest DS who is mid twenties cannot see what the issue is .
I knew this would be his response.
Am not allowing this anymore.

You've been way too soft. I would be saying no more sleepovers - ever.

kiraric · 09/02/2025 18:32

He doesn't have to "see what the issue is", he just needs to understand your boundaries and what is and isn't ok in your house

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Families
soupyspoon · 09/02/2025 18:36

Exaclty he doesnt have to show any insight or even agree, he just has to do it and if not, time to move out into that bedsit

HappyMe6 · 09/02/2025 18:39

It wouldn’t be happening in our house all my AC have left home and yes they had girlfriends and boyfriends here overnight but would never take the piss . You are the parents grow some balls and give them some rules never in a million years would our AC be taking over the house so that we felt we didn’t have time for ourselves. You should be giving them some boundaries

healthybychristmas · 09/02/2025 18:54

It's time for the boys to move out. They are massively taking advantage of you both financially and in terms of space. As for that girl who stays there when they are not even there! That's really outrageous behaviour.

If you do want them to stay then tell them for every night a girlfriend stays they have to stay out a night. You're doing them no favours by giving them a very reduced rent as well. You're keeping them as children rather than as adults.

BreadInCaptivity · 09/02/2025 19:06

Your sons and their girlfriends are taking the piss.

You need to go in hard...not one weekend a month to yourself.

Flip that - they can 1 weekend a month with GF and it has to be the same weekend (or you'll get only 2 weekends to yourself).

GF cannot stay when your sons are not there.

They need to pay extra for rent to cover utilities and you will no longer cook or provide food.

Given what you provide, unless you change things the 4 of them will be sponging off you until you are in your grave.

KingTutting · 09/02/2025 19:07

You need a united front and be very clear and certainly don’t let them stay 3 times a months. Say if it persists their rent will go up massively, like MASSIVELY.

They could stay at yours twice, theirs once and go away another. Or better still, move out.

CautiousLurker01 · 09/02/2025 19:53

Newyorklady · 09/02/2025 13:19

Most certainly aren’t. They pay a token rent each month.
we own the house of which they will benefit one day.

Show quote history

Tbh, it doesn’t matter if he can see what the issue is. The fact is you and DH would like (say) 3 nights a week and every other weekend without guests. Their guest cannot stay Those are your rules. If either of your son’s aren’t happy with it they are big enough and well paid enough to move to a place of their won with the GFs? If they are happy to respect that you and DH need privacy and make adjustments, then they are welcome to stay at the bargain rent.

It’s hard parenting in adulthood, but they need to understand that they ARE adults and your expectations have changed accordingly. Your home is open to them, and their guests can visit (when they are home), but if they want a ‘home’ with their GFs, they are going to have to bite the bullet and put a deposit on their own homes. And you shouldn’t feel in the least bit guilty for stating your boundaries.

DisforDarkChocolate · 09/02/2025 20:06

Insist on every other weekend free from house guest.

Charge a reasonable rent.

Remember having a house your children feel welcome in is wonderful (but it takes consideration from the children who probably have no idea you'd like time alone with your husband).

Shinyandnew1 · 09/02/2025 23:01

Did you have the chat, @Newyorklady ?!

YellowRoom · 09/02/2025 23:08

Newyorklady · 09/02/2025 18:28

Raised this with eldest DS who is mid twenties cannot see what the issue is .
I knew this would be his response.
Am not allowing this anymore.

Mid-twenties!! The description of your situation sounds like you're talking about a 13 year old boy. When in fact he's been an adult for 7 years but has no understanding that another adult (you) may relish some privacy and not want to skivvy for him and his gf.

BettyBardMacDonald · 10/02/2025 00:22

DisforDarkChocolate · 09/02/2025 20:06

Insist on every other weekend free from house guest.

Charge a reasonable rent.

Remember having a house your children feel welcome in is wonderful (but it takes consideration from the children who probably have no idea you'd like time alone with your husband).

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Don't guilt the OP with smarmy platitudes.

It's not "wonderful" if it's making OP uncomfortable in her own home. And mid-20s men aren't children.

BettyBardMacDonald · 10/02/2025 00:24

BreadInCaptivity · 09/02/2025 19:06

Your sons and their girlfriends are taking the piss.

You need to go in hard...not one weekend a month to yourself.

Flip that - they can 1 weekend a month with GF and it has to be the same weekend (or you'll get only 2 weekends to yourself).

GF cannot stay when your sons are not there.

They need to pay extra for rent to cover utilities and you will no longer cook or provide food.

Given what you provide, unless you change things the 4 of them will be sponging off you until you are in your grave.

This x1000.

Don't be a doormat.

The idea that some cheeky woman would hang out at my home even when her boyfriend isn't there is just so beyond the pale. Words fail me.

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 10/02/2025 07:38

It doesn't matter if he can see the issue. Being dismissive like that is very entitled of him.

Maybe he needs the reality check of paying his own bills.

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 10/02/2025 07:40

The girlfriend is taking the piss even more. She should leave whenever he isn't there.

FrenchandSaunders · 10/02/2025 08:01

Why are they all hanging around at home all weekend at that age! Aren’t they out socialising, away for weekends/hols etc. I was never in during my 20s.

It doesn’t sound like money is an issue if they earn well and pay you feck all.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 10/02/2025 08:19

OP you and DH have been complicit in letting this happen and this is a good starting point for a difficult conversation.
How about getting the four of them together and saying Look, we’re happy that you have found loving relationships with great people, it’s wonderful, but some habits have developed that are too much for Dad and me. We getting older and need more peace and quiet especially at the weekends. From now on you are welcome to stay 2 weekends each calendar month but you need to go somewhere else for the other weekends. Either the girlfriend’s homes or a hotel or whatever. Ok?’
That might be enough for a first conversation but you could mention the cost and the clearing up privately to the boys, saying your sorry you left it so long to speak about it but you need a bigger contribution to costs and housework.
They might decide to move out.

Samung · 10/02/2025 08:24

kiraric · 09/02/2025 11:52

I never really get these posts.

It is your house, make the rules and don't be a doormat!

If it were me, I would say the girlfriends can stay max 1-2 nights a week and if they are around at the weekend, they take turns cooking and cleaning up like grownups

This. And charge them more rent/keep, they are adults!

Bonjovispyjamas · 10/02/2025 08:35

It's your house, you don't have to have the girlfriends there at all if you don't want to.

1apenny2apenny · 10/02/2025 09:03

The simple solution would be to simply say costs have been eyeing and you need to review their rent. Then tell them that girlfriends every weekend isn't working for you and that they need to agree 1 or 2 a month, both at the same time. I think the thing it this isn't a discussion. If they don't understand then it's not your problem. Sometimes, like when we have small children, it's 'just because I said so'.

On another note it sounds as they don't treat you and their father which much respect as regards sharing the load? So how much are you still doing for them? Do they do their own laundry, other tasks such as hoovering? Do they ever buy food/cook? If not perhaps this would be a great time to completely reset and tell them things are going to change and from now on they will be responsible for xyz.

I mean the other option is they move out and pay rent etc ..,.,,

Shinyandnew1 · 10/02/2025 17:21

Newyorklady · 09/02/2025 18:28

Raised this with eldest DS who is mid twenties cannot see what the issue is .
I knew this would be his response.
Am not allowing this anymore.

What's your plan?! I'd sit down with both sons and your husband and explain the situation. It's irrelevant if he doesn't see the problem-it IS a problem for you!

VexedofVirginiaWater · 13/02/2025 10:39

Newyorklady · 09/02/2025 18:28

Raised this with eldest DS who is mid twenties cannot see what the issue is .
I knew this would be his response.
Am not allowing this anymore.

Well of course he can't see what the issue is as it's not affecting him - or rather it works to his advantage. The way you word it "can't see what the issue is" makes him sound as if he thinks he has the last word. It doesn't matter if he doesn't see what the issue is - you do, and it's your house.

I know I sound bolshy here, but I have been that doormat parent in slightly different circumstances and I know how difficult it can be to balance wanting them to consider it as their home and taking the piss.

I2amonlyhereforTheBeer · 13/02/2025 10:56

VexedofVirginiaWater · 13/02/2025 10:39

Well of course he can't see what the issue is as it's not affecting him - or rather it works to his advantage. The way you word it "can't see what the issue is" makes him sound as if he thinks he has the last word. It doesn't matter if he doesn't see what the issue is - you do, and it's your house.

I know I sound bolshy here, but I have been that doormat parent in slightly different circumstances and I know how difficult it can be to balance wanting them to consider it as their home and taking the piss.

Show quote history

Just this. OP you really need to take ownership of your own house? Letting your grown up son disrespect you like that is sad. You're answer needs to be more: "Well it is an issue for me and I don't want to live like this in my own house. You either find somewhere else to hang out or how about moving out into the adult world and standing on your own 2 feet?"

I moved out of MY PARENTS' HOUSE straight after uni. There's no way I'd take over my parents' home that they worked so hard to achieve.

Original poster
Newyorklady · 15/02/2025 14:33

Shinyandnew1 · 09/02/2025 23:01

Did you have the chat, @Newyorklady ?!

Yes youngest son completely understood and so did his girlfriend.
Eldest son has fallen out with me and not spoken since. Said he doesn’t get why.
I only asked the one weekend a month anyone would think I have banned them from the house.

OP posts:
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