Never get house to selves

[Newyorklady]

We have 2 adults sons in early twenties.
we love them both dearly however their girlfriends turn up every Friday and don’t go home until Sunday evening, Every week. Sometimes come in week too.
this means husband and I never get any time alone in our house of a weekend unless they go out on one of the evenings.
Both girlfriends live locally so I struggle to understand why they don’t stay at their houses more often,
when I ask my sons why they say they prefer it at ours as there is more to do.
This also means GF eat our food all weekend. We never get a Sunday lunch without being here.
both sons pay rent but very little in comparison to their earnings. Both earn good salaries.
im starting to feel like the GF families are into a good thing here.
They also leave a mess.
We both have full time jobs mine in lives travelling so time in the week is taken up.
Would it be unreasonable for them to spend at least one weekend a month at GF so we at least get house to selves ?
Am I being selfish expecting time to selves and some consideration.

As long as they didn't pay equal bills as functioning adults, they surely shouldn't dictate that.

Behave like a child, get treated like one.

It is their home yes but it’s not their Girfriends is it ?

I'd give them one weekend a month to have them over. As someone else said. They have to both have the same weekend. No week night visits.
Say first of month so there's no room for doubt.

At an absolute max.

And charge more rent and lay down law about cleaning up etc.

🤣🤣🤣

Well, if the sons are paying 50% of the mortgage, and 50% of the bills and doing 50% of all the cooking and household duties then they can have their equal say in how they think the house should be run.

I imagine they aren’t though….

Don’t think it is unreasonable at all to ask your lads to give you and DH at least one weekend a month and a certain number of nights a week without guests and to take a turn cooking on Sundays. You really don’t need to have a roast every Sunday, that could done every other weekend, once when GFs are there. It’s also perfectly acceptable to tell your boys that they MUST clean up after their guests - or they can club together for a Monday morning cleaner out of their wages, given they have a peppercorn rent.

At the moment they are treating your home like a student flat share where everyone pays the same and has the same rights… they need to understand this is not quite the case.

Most certainly aren’t. They pay a token rent each month.
we own the house of which they will benefit one day.

If both sons are earning good salaries, is it feasible for them to rent a flat together?

I think it's actually worse than treating it like a house share. They are expecting the best of both worlds - guests whenever they want but Sunday lunch cooked by mummy and they can leave the cleaning up for her too

At least in a house share they would be doing their own cooking and cleaning and food purchasing

You should also make sure they help more towards cleaning and cooking. Assign a day when they cook and provide the food for that meal. Or just up their tent to cover the extra meals.

when you say they’re paying only a little in proportion to their earnings - are they saving up a good amount to move out eventually? Or are they just spending it on luxuries? This would make a big difference to how I dealt with this situation.

“Darling sons, your father and I are entering the next phase of our lives together and plan to spend more time rejuvenating our love life. Just in case you get a surprise when you get home from work 😂”

perhaps working towards getting their own places will then become more attractive

You’re definitely not being unreasonable to want time to yourself. You’re working all week and of course you want to be able to relax at the weekend.
It may just not have occurred to anyone how much of an imposition this is on you, as it isn’t the same for everyone.
I took early retirement, then lost DH last year, and I love having my young adults friends around as it makes the house come alive. (I did sacrifice what used to be my dining room to make a small lounge for them so we can be separate if we wish).

"Both girlfriends live locally so I struggle to understand why they don’t stay at their houses more often," Most likely because their parents havent behaved like a doormat.

I think you need to set the boundaries here. Tell them that one weekend in two they must stay with their girlfriends or go away with them.

We've had this recently it all happened so quickly we were a bit blindsided by it.

Never had this issue before with DS and previous GFs (two) as he has always been respectful and asked if they could stay over, never two nights in a row, and always 50:50 split between their homes. Both DS and his GF have always been busy with things outside their relationship too - friends/hobbies/sport/education/work. Never had to cap it at 1-2 nights a week as that was just what it was. It was always reciprocal and balanced.

Current GF is/was completely different - in every possible way. Made even worse by the fact that DS also worked from home. Thankfully they've gone travelling for a few months now but when they get back it is time for him to move out - so fed up of having to constantly maintain/justify boundaries (even though I can see he tried). I have some sympathy for the situation (her homelife/childhood has been far from ideal and her mum won't even allow partners in her home let alone have them stay overnight) but we want our home back and if they want to spend that much time together they need to get their own place. Thankfully we can support financially to make this happen, even though it really wasn't part of the plan at this stage (DS has only just turned 21 and it feels a bit like he has taken on a dependent and by default so have we).

In your situation OP I would insist that your DS spend equal time between the two homes - alternate and coordinate with other DS too, as it sounds like this is an option (sadly isn't with my DS and yes, I think her mum is very happy about the situation).

Oooof I hope you are my dds boyfriends mum! She regularly stays over there, despite me offering multiple times for bf to stay here, and despite having a perfectly nice student flat in the nearest city. They actually get a taxi at £50 from city back to his parents house.

When I've asked why they don't stay here she says BF just prefers his own bed and room. We are welcoming but here it's very much make your own food on a weekend. And I think the mum cooks for them, shares her prosecco, drops them to the pub etc. Be less welcoming is my advice. And say only 1 or 2 nights a week. Maybe say you are planning a romantic valentines weekend next weekend.

Or start having loud sex every Saturday and Sunday morning 😁

Don't bring inheritance into it. No one knows what the future holds. It's enough that you own the house.

I'd be reluctant to expect even adult children to sleep elsewhere on a timetable. If they broke up with girlfriends would they then be expected to ship out to a Travelodge once a fortnight? But absolutely ban visitors on certain weekends (which will likely mean your son's stay with their GFs) and have house rules that give you some privacy and space while they are living with you, and a meaningful contribution towards the cooking and cleaning. But my eldest is only 18 - I may change my tune if he's still with us at 25!

I would up their board, stop cooking for them and tell them 2 weekends a month you want alone.

lol this takes me back about 10 years. Me and my ex wanted to live together at his mums in a box room I was 18. She allowed it charged us both £150 per month. I couldn’t stand it and was home with my mum within 2 weeks to that month ending. Now looking back I think she agreed to it and knew it wouldn’t last 😂 she was certainly clever so what I’d say is stop making it uncomfortable I’d even get the girlfriends in on the chat say you need more time at home alone you’d need a rent increase blah blah blah. You’ve got one life and you need to live it comfortably! I mean both boys could go and rent somewhere and live freely themselves. They’ll never understand your point until they do do this though

If they broke up with girlfriends would they then be expected to ship out to a Travelodge once a fortnight?

I don't think the OP minds her own sons being there-I think it's the visitors she's objecting to!

You’re making it too easy for them, OP.
Sunday lunch buying, making and clearing up rota for a start.

Or just tell them they need to sort themselves out at weekends as you and DH have realised you need more time together.

Just this. I don't get it either. It's your house! Why aren't you laying claim to it? At least tell sons and GFs that they are welcome as long as they clean up after themselves and do their own cooking AND that you want every other weekend to yourselves so you can relax in your own home.

Nobody is expecting adult children to sleep elsewhere. My adult DC can stay rent free as long as they want.
We just don't want their partners!

Exactly this.
its the landing in the house Friday then going home Sunday night.
the one GF is worse than the other. She even stays when DS goes out without her ie football match or friends and waits for him to come back !

Yanbu

Especially the last post

Why have you been tolerating this, OP?

She even stays when DS goes out without her ie football match or friends and waits for him to come back
Ffs, this would be knocked on the head, she sounds a right drip, hanging about waiting, has she no pals? no hobbies?
Time to get firm; up the rent, one night per weekend, no GF there when the DS isn't, they supply and cook for their GF.
Your DS are taking the piss.