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Original poster

Never get house to selves

110 replies

Newyorklady · 09/02/2025 11:48

We have 2 adults sons in early twenties.
we love them both dearly however their girlfriends turn up every Friday and don’t go home until Sunday evening, Every week. Sometimes come in week too.
this means husband and I never get any time alone in our house of a weekend unless they go out on one of the evenings.
Both girlfriends live locally so I struggle to understand why they don’t stay at their houses more often,
when I ask my sons why they say they prefer it at ours as there is more to do.
This also means GF eat our food all weekend. We never get a Sunday lunch without being here.
both sons pay rent but very little in comparison to their earnings. Both earn good salaries.
im starting to feel like the GF families are into a good thing here.
They also leave a mess.
We both have full time jobs mine in lives travelling so time in the week is taken up.
Would it be unreasonable for them to spend at least one weekend a month at GF so we at least get house to selves ?
Am I being selfish expecting time to selves and some consideration.

OP posts:
Snoopdoggydog123 · 09/02/2025 12:25

Newyorklady · 09/02/2025 12:20

This is exactly how I feel.
No peace or quiet time in the house all weekend.
No time to sit and think.
No me/our time unless they go out for the odd hour (which in winter isn’t that often and also rare both sets are out at the same time).
I know I need to change things now so I intend to sit them down later, when both GF have left and tell them we need at least 1 weekend a month to selves.

Show quote history

2! Minimum. It's your bloody house and they're in their 20s

Shinyandnew1 · 09/02/2025 12:25

I know I need to change things now so I intend to sit them down later, when both GF have left and tell them we need at least 1 weekend a month to selves.

I would say every other weekend as a minimum. I would stop the midweek overnights as well!

Tiswa · 09/02/2025 12:26

You also need to get more contributions and them to clear up their mess!

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Families
kiraric · 09/02/2025 12:28

Newyorklady · 09/02/2025 12:20

This is exactly how I feel.
No peace or quiet time in the house all weekend.
No time to sit and think.
No me/our time unless they go out for the odd hour (which in winter isn’t that often and also rare both sets are out at the same time).
I know I need to change things now so I intend to sit them down later, when both GF have left and tell them we need at least 1 weekend a month to selves.

Show quote history

Why just one weekend a month? Why not two?

And definitely tackle the food and mess at the same time

SnoopysHoose · 09/02/2025 12:31

I'd be telling them they have to supply their own food, why should you have to cover two extra people 8/12 nights a month or increase their rent £.
They're being very entitled as are the GFs

biscuitsandbooks · 09/02/2025 12:31

I don't understand how you've allowed this to happen.

I lived at home on/off throughout my twenties and was never, ever allowed partners to stay overnight unless my parents were out or away. Tell them that if they want to act like grown ups, they need to move out and do it in their own homes.

wherearemypastnames · 09/02/2025 12:31

I wouldn't phrase it as "we want time to ourselves"

More " time without visitors "

It's their home , moving out is bloody hard these days , and you wouldn't expect to give them "time to theirselves" whilst at home - where would you go! So wanting time to yourselves in your home that you share with your children seems a tad unreasonable

Normallynumb · 09/02/2025 12:32

I hope you get the message across and your DS's realise how selfish they've been
1/2 weekends per month IF they ask first( and you agree)
No overnights during the week
Increase rent contributions and say they need to buy and cook for you one Sunday Per month
They've taken the piss.
I'll bet that the GF parents told them they can't both stay
You're not selfish at all. It's your home
If they don't like it then they can rent somewhere together,

NorthernGirl1981 · 09/02/2025 12:34

You’re way too soft OP - why on earth are you letting your adult children have control over the house that YOU pay for! Bloody hell.

You seriously need to get a grip on the situation as they are all playing you for an idiot!

One sleepover per weekend (i.e Friday or Saturday night, not both) and only for two weekends out of the month.

When their girlfriends are over they cook for themselves and clean up after themselves,

No stopping over during the week.

And I hope you’re charging them appropriate amounts of rent. They’re adults for God’s sake and if they can’t be considerate of the needs of you and their dad then they can move out.

Dror · 09/02/2025 12:34

Asking these adults to allow you one weekend in your own home is doormat behaviour.
Tell them their girlfriends can stay one night per month, and they are to function as adults. No debating.

biscuitsandbooks · 09/02/2025 12:36

wherearemypastnames · 09/02/2025 12:31

I wouldn't phrase it as "we want time to ourselves"

More " time without visitors "

It's their home , moving out is bloody hard these days , and you wouldn't expect to give them "time to theirselves" whilst at home - where would you go! So wanting time to yourselves in your home that you share with your children seems a tad unreasonable

It may be their home but it's not their house.

It's absolutely not unreasonable for parents of adult children to want time to themselves without their kids (plus girlfriends) hanging about. If they want to hang about the house all weekend they can get their own place.

soupyspoon · 09/02/2025 12:39

Mrsbloggz · 09/02/2025 12:18

You're not wrong!
Even so I feel the overarching problem is the unaffordability of housing. It's not unusual for parents to struggle to be tough with their children, the fact that work often doesn't pay enough for someone to live independently makes it even harder to be tough with your children.

Show quote history

Work does often pay for people to live independently, people on these forums always refer to renting a flat. A flat is expensive and comes with bills and CTAX, a bedsit or room in a house share includes bills and involves no CTAX and is the next step to independence.

Its a fairly middle class issue that theres discomfort with their adult offspring lowering themselves to rent a room somewhere, not everyone can afford to live with their parents well into their 20s but even without the affordability issue, moving out and moving on is what results in growing up. We are doing young adults no favours by continually justifying them staying in their parents house

Original poster
Newyorklady · 09/02/2025 12:39

Dror · 09/02/2025 12:34

Asking these adults to allow you one weekend in your own home is doormat behaviour.
Tell them their girlfriends can stay one night per month, and they are to function as adults. No debating.

I agree I need to get tougher.
Tonight I’ll be talking to them both together.

OP posts:
soupyspoon · 09/02/2025 12:40

wherearemypastnames · 09/02/2025 12:31

I wouldn't phrase it as "we want time to ourselves"

More " time without visitors "

It's their home , moving out is bloody hard these days , and you wouldn't expect to give them "time to theirselves" whilst at home - where would you go! So wanting time to yourselves in your home that you share with your children seems a tad unreasonable

So much rubbish!

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 09/02/2025 12:43

So wanting time to yourselves in your home that you share with your children seems a tad unreasonable

Bloody hell. Of course it's not unreasonable. They're adult.

Lentilweaver · 09/02/2025 12:44

Mrsbloggz · 09/02/2025 12:18

You're not wrong!
Even so I feel the overarching problem is the unaffordability of housing. It's not unusual for parents to struggle to be tough with their children, the fact that work often doesn't pay enough for someone to live independently makes it even harder to be tough with your children.

Show quote history

Yes, that is the larger problem. I am in London. I don't and will never charge my adult children rent - unless circumstances change- so I think they have a great deal! In any case they are too busy working and studying to have partners now.

Shinyandnew1 · 09/02/2025 12:51

So wanting time to yourselves in your home that you share with your children seems a tad unreasonable

It's not unreasonable in the slightest!

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 09/02/2025 12:52

Two weekends not one because I guarantee you, you will find it so beneficial you'll be back here in a couple if months wondering how you can change it to two without making them feel bad and worrying they will think you'll be upping it to 3 weekends sooner rather than later!

Mrsbloggz · 09/02/2025 12:52

We are doing young adults no favours by continually justifying them staying in their parents house
@soupyspoon
I completely agree but at the same time if I was wealthy I would probably have mine trapped in a gilded cage with me.
One of my adult children has a friend like this. Griends parents are very wealthy, the son moves out for a while (with a friend or a girlfriend) the other person moves on and the son goes back to the comfort and luxury of his parents house. Enjoying the benefits but aware that it is stunting his growth, removing the incentive to get a proper paying job when he can easily get by with a hobby side gig because he only needs pocket money no bills to pay.

BettyBardMacDonald · 09/02/2025 12:54

Shinyandnew1 · 09/02/2025 12:51

So wanting time to yourselves in your home that you share with your children seems a tad unreasonable

It's not unreasonable in the slightest!

They aren't children, they are adults with good incomes. And zero consideration for their parents.

wherearemypastnames · 09/02/2025 12:58

Oh how exactly rubbish?

It's their home - how would op feel if they started saying they want time to themselves and they want to limit when ops friends come round ?

SweetMagnolia423 · 09/02/2025 12:58

Set a boundary. Choose one of the weekend days and make it is a no visitor day.

biscuitsandbooks · 09/02/2025 13:00

wherearemypastnames · 09/02/2025 12:58

Oh how exactly rubbish?

It's their home - how would op feel if they started saying they want time to themselves and they want to limit when ops friends come round ?

Again, it's their home but it's not their house.

If they want to dictate who comes round and when, they can move out and pay their own rent and bills!

kiraric · 09/02/2025 13:03

wherearemypastnames · 09/02/2025 12:58

Oh how exactly rubbish?

It's their home - how would op feel if they started saying they want time to themselves and they want to limit when ops friends come round ?

I find this stuff just total nonsense

It's not a house share, they don't have equal say. It's the OP and her DH's house.

I am willing to bet that the adult children do not do any home maintenance, DIY, appliance repairs, cooking, cleaning, gardening and that the "rent" they pay is not in any way 1/4 the costs of running the house.The flip side of not having responsibility for the house is that they don't have equal rights either.

BettyBardMacDonald · 09/02/2025 13:04

wherearemypastnames · 09/02/2025 12:58

Oh how exactly rubbish?

It's their home - how would op feel if they started saying they want time to themselves and they want to limit when ops friends come round ?

Um, the OP is the homeowner. The young men are not. They live there at the pleasure of the homeowner.