Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Should I Ask Him to Move Out or Give Him Another Chance?

53 replies

Daffodil9911 · 09/02/2025 09:04

Been with my partner for 5 years. Living together in my place for 2.Both in our 40s. I'm a single mum to a teenager so need some time with son too but he's quite independent at this stage as he's 15.
Anyways, partner works in restaurant so works mainly evenings and weekends. I work 9-5 job. Was looking forward to a rare Saturday off together , but he decided to spend day at male friend's house watching football & drinking beer. Been through all this last year and he said he'll only see his friends weekdays when im working. Our only time together is dinners few times a week and watching netflix. Other than that he's either working or out with friends.

Today i told him that i was upset and that we could have spent nice afternoon together and he said he's known his friend before me, hasn't seen him in months and big match going on. He said that we already spend lots of evenings together plus that at least he's not out drinking in bars like he was doing last year (had few arguments about this last year but then he seemed to have understood my irritation about this habit).

He later booked table for us in a restaurant and stood me up. Said I was there early which wasn't true and he also said nobody saw me at the restaurant. Not true as i was there. Then he said he arrived after I left. Was waiting at table for 45 mins. At 1am he finally admitted he was out drinking with friends and didn't come back home until 5am. Every few months he goes binge drinking with friends.said he wouldn't do it again when we talked last year but keeps happening. Said he was down as was his sister's death anniversary. So why didn't he confide in me instead of drinking with friends?

Also, he went over to this same friend's place straight after work the day before and I only found out coz I texted to see what time he was going to be back home from work. Said friend texted late so didn't get a chance to tell me. He got back home at 11pm.
Can't complain re housework etc as he does do all that around the house, shopping, cooking etc mainly when im at work.

Do you think I'm being irrational or needy by asking him not to spend whole day with a friend (whom I know) on the only day we're off together? And since we've been together for quite a long time and he apologised a few times should I give him another chance?

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 09/02/2025 09:06

He’s more of a useful lodger than a partner.

username299 · 09/02/2025 09:11

It sounds like he's disengaged from the relationship. I can understand why he'd want to see a friend for a big match and it doesn't sound like you communicated that you wanted to spend time together that day.

However, standing you up and lying about it is really shit behaviour and I would have been furious. He doesn't care though, that's the problem.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 09/02/2025 09:13

pikkumyy77 · 09/02/2025 09:06

He’s more of a useful lodger than a partner.

This.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships Relationship problems
BigDahliaFan · 09/02/2025 09:14

He’s just not that into you. Sorry. Time to move on. He’ll be back with promises but that’s just wasting more of your time. Find someone who likes doing stuff you do…

Original poster
Daffodil9911 · 09/02/2025 09:14

He admitted that his behaviour was shitty and apologised, but thinks I'm overreacting by asking him to move out.

OP posts:
Firefly100 · 09/02/2025 09:15

I think if you give him another chance, his behaviour won’t change. I think you either accept this is who he is and accept his ways or you move on.

TigerRag · 09/02/2025 09:15

He'll do it again if you give him another chance because he knows he can get away with it

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 09/02/2025 09:16

Fuller answer, an occasional lost weekend watching TV with his mates, I might put up with.
Standing me up and then gaslighting me about it? He'd be out the door.

IroningBoardAgainstTheWall · 09/02/2025 09:16

Don't even need to read the OP.

Get rid.

username299 · 09/02/2025 09:17

Daffodil9911 · 09/02/2025 09:14

He admitted that his behaviour was shitty and apologised, but thinks I'm overreacting by asking him to move out.

Edited

He's giving signs that he no longer cares. I'm sure he'll say anything not to move out, it's an expensive upheaval. I wouldn't be able to get past him standing me up and lying about it.

GCAcademic · 09/02/2025 09:19

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 09/02/2025 09:16

Fuller answer, an occasional lost weekend watching TV with his mates, I might put up with.
Standing me up and then gaslighting me about it? He'd be out the door.

Was just going to post exactly this.

Original poster
Daffodil9911 · 09/02/2025 09:19

Yes he would find it financially difficult to move out with the way rental prices are.

OP posts:
Velvian · 09/02/2025 09:20

It doesn't really matter if he thinks you're unreasonable, it is not his decision. Standing you up and lying about is next level disrespectful and manipulative. I would say you have no choice but to get him out after that.

CornishTickler · 09/02/2025 09:21

Does he contribute equally to the house in terms of money and jobs?

How does your son get on with him?

pikkumyy77 · 09/02/2025 09:22

Daffodil9911 · 09/02/2025 09:14

He admitted that his behaviour was shitty and apologised, but thinks I'm overreacting by asking him to move out.

Edited

Of course he “thinks you are overreacting”—what can he/will he do to actually care more about being a partner to you in a loving, attentive way? Otherwise all that happened is you called him on his bullshit and he said “yeah, I’m a bit shit” and now he considers the incident over. “You are overreacting “ is basically positioning himself as the victim.

postitnot · 09/02/2025 09:24

Does he make you happy?

Original poster
Daffodil9911 · 09/02/2025 09:28

@cornishtickler he pays for utilities and most of the groceries as I look after my mortgage . He does laundry, vacuums etc on his mornings off and cooks dinner whenever he's off work.
No my son doesn't really like him due to this kind of behaviour. He doesn't interact with him much.

OP posts:
Mysteryfemale · 09/02/2025 09:28

What others said - the standing you up and lying about it is appalling. He’s taking you and your accommodation for granted.

Honks · 09/02/2025 09:28

Daffodil9911 · 09/02/2025 09:19

Yes he would find it financially difficult to move out with the way rental prices are.

That is not your problem. His behaviour is appalling. Stick to your guns and make him move out.

Mysteryfemale · 09/02/2025 09:29

Just seen the update about your son not liking him much. Sounds like your son can see how he’s treating you.

Original poster
Daffodil9911 · 09/02/2025 09:30

@postitnot when he's not drunk and we're spending time together he's very caring and considerate. It's when he goes out drinking heavily with friends that the stress starts. He does this every couple of months.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daffodil9911 · 09/02/2025 09:31

@mysteryfemale yes that's main reason why he doesn't like him.

OP posts:
CornishTickler · 09/02/2025 09:31

Daffodil9911 · 09/02/2025 09:28

@cornishtickler he pays for utilities and most of the groceries as I look after my mortgage . He does laundry, vacuums etc on his mornings off and cooks dinner whenever he's off work.
No my son doesn't really like him due to this kind of behaviour. He doesn't interact with him much.

If your son doesn't like him then why on earth is he in your house!

You're not overreacting. He just doesn't like what you're saying, classic response.He can see his cushy setup disappearing. If he's only paying for food and utilities he's got a very cheap deal!

Give your head a wobble and get him out. It will be teaching your son a valuable lesson not to put up with being treated poorly in a relationship.

soarklyknobs · 09/02/2025 09:34

"My son doesn't like him"

Ignoring everything else (& there's a lot to ignore 🙄)

⬆️ your son living with a man he actively avoids whilst going through a stressful time of his life (GCSEs, hormones, mum arguing in with the man she has living in his house) is enough to get him to leave.

He would struggle to afford rent elsewhere? Probably explains why he's living with you. He clearly doesn't like, respect or love you does he?

DesparatePragmatist · 09/02/2025 09:37

I'm always struck in these thread by the assumption that the behaviour has to be bad enough to qualify for a particular reaction. This is what lies behind the idea that saying he has to move out is or isn't an over-reaction. But that's a false premise. There are no rules here, there's just whether or not you want to be in this relationship. You don't have to justify it, either way.

(I wouldn't, and your DS deserves a happy home)