Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Should I Ask Him to Move Out or Give Him Another Chance?

53 replies

Daffodil9911 · 09/02/2025 09:04

Been with my partner for 5 years. Living together in my place for 2.Both in our 40s. I'm a single mum to a teenager so need some time with son too but he's quite independent at this stage as he's 15.
Anyways, partner works in restaurant so works mainly evenings and weekends. I work 9-5 job. Was looking forward to a rare Saturday off together , but he decided to spend day at male friend's house watching football & drinking beer. Been through all this last year and he said he'll only see his friends weekdays when im working. Our only time together is dinners few times a week and watching netflix. Other than that he's either working or out with friends.

Today i told him that i was upset and that we could have spent nice afternoon together and he said he's known his friend before me, hasn't seen him in months and big match going on. He said that we already spend lots of evenings together plus that at least he's not out drinking in bars like he was doing last year (had few arguments about this last year but then he seemed to have understood my irritation about this habit).

He later booked table for us in a restaurant and stood me up. Said I was there early which wasn't true and he also said nobody saw me at the restaurant. Not true as i was there. Then he said he arrived after I left. Was waiting at table for 45 mins. At 1am he finally admitted he was out drinking with friends and didn't come back home until 5am. Every few months he goes binge drinking with friends.said he wouldn't do it again when we talked last year but keeps happening. Said he was down as was his sister's death anniversary. So why didn't he confide in me instead of drinking with friends?

Also, he went over to this same friend's place straight after work the day before and I only found out coz I texted to see what time he was going to be back home from work. Said friend texted late so didn't get a chance to tell me. He got back home at 11pm.
Can't complain re housework etc as he does do all that around the house, shopping, cooking etc mainly when im at work.

Do you think I'm being irrational or needy by asking him not to spend whole day with a friend (whom I know) on the only day we're off together? And since we've been together for quite a long time and he apologised a few times should I give him another chance?

OP posts:
Firefly100 · 09/02/2025 09:45

Having read your further updates, particularly about your son, I would ask him to move out regardless if you want to continue the relationship or not. I have a suspicion once he no longer has cheap digs, he may no longer want to continue anyway. Him moving out will confirm his priorities.

Twaddlepip · 09/02/2025 09:57

Daffodil9911 · 09/02/2025 09:14

He admitted that his behaviour was shitty and apologised, but thinks I'm overreacting by asking him to move out.

Edited

You’re not. Standing you up, gaslighting you, and then admitting he had stood you up because he was drinking with his mates is really awful.

He needs to go.

Twaddlepip · 09/02/2025 09:58

Daffodil9911 · 09/02/2025 09:31

@mysteryfemale yes that's main reason why he doesn't like him.

You have to get him out. Don’t force your son to live with this substandard man.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships Relationship problems
Original poster
Daffodil9911 · 09/02/2025 10:03

My son doesn't really like him as partner rarely manages to save money beyond paying for groceries considering he doesn't pay for accommodation and due to the reason that DS doesn't think that he spends enough time with me , especially on weekends when I'm off (assuming he's not working of course). My son will probably be off to college in a few years so then I'm worried that I'll be left on my own as would find it difficult to start a new relationship in my late 40s or at 50.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 09/02/2025 10:05

Better a new relationship than this being taken for granted and being used for housing.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 09/02/2025 10:06

This gets worse. Don't force your son to live with someone he doesn't like.

CornishTickler · 09/02/2025 10:13

Daffodil9911 · 09/02/2025 10:03

My son doesn't really like him as partner rarely manages to save money beyond paying for groceries considering he doesn't pay for accommodation and due to the reason that DS doesn't think that he spends enough time with me , especially on weekends when I'm off (assuming he's not working of course). My son will probably be off to college in a few years so then I'm worried that I'll be left on my own as would find it difficult to start a new relationship in my late 40s or at 50.

And your son will probably visit less and less once he's out of the house if this man is still treating you this way.

So you'll barely see your boyfriend and your son. Not a great outcome if you stick with this man.

You areworried about being lonely but you're sabotaging the one really important relationship in your life. You should never make a child live with someone they don't like.

Mysteryfemale · 09/02/2025 10:32

I'm worried that I'll be left on my own as would find it difficult to start a new relationship in my late 40s or at 50.

Raise. Your. Standards. I am sure you would have no difficulty replacing like with like if it comes to it (there will be plenty of men looking for cheap accommodation while continuing their lives with minimal change) but wouldn't it be nicer not to have huge rows and upset every few months? If you want a relationship with a nice man, you will never find it while shackled to this one.

username299 · 09/02/2025 10:34

I agree OP. You'll be spoilt for choice if you want someone who lets you down, lies and can't be bothered to spend time with you.

GCAcademic · 09/02/2025 10:35

What is so bad about being alone? I would take being alone over being treated like crap by someone who clearly has no respect for or interest in me, any day of the week.

Twaddlepip · 09/02/2025 10:37

Daffodil9911 · 09/02/2025 10:03

My son doesn't really like him as partner rarely manages to save money beyond paying for groceries considering he doesn't pay for accommodation and due to the reason that DS doesn't think that he spends enough time with me , especially on weekends when I'm off (assuming he's not working of course). My son will probably be off to college in a few years so then I'm worried that I'll be left on my own as would find it difficult to start a new relationship in my late 40s or at 50.

Being on your own is vastly preferable to being stuck with this twat, surely? Plus, your son won’t want come home, ever, if this scumbag is still cluttering your home and treating you like shit. Don’t put this man before your son.

Halfemptyhalfling · 09/02/2025 10:38

Big football matches can happen so it's not unreasonable for him to want to watch one on your weekend off. However he sounds abit old for massive drinking sessions. He could end up sick so you could end up looking after him rather than having a good partnership after your son leaves home. Also with housing being so expensive your son might live at home from time to time anyway

AutumnFroglets · 09/02/2025 10:49

Daffodil9911 · 09/02/2025 10:03

My son doesn't really like him as partner rarely manages to save money beyond paying for groceries considering he doesn't pay for accommodation and due to the reason that DS doesn't think that he spends enough time with me , especially on weekends when I'm off (assuming he's not working of course). My son will probably be off to college in a few years so then I'm worried that I'll be left on my own as would find it difficult to start a new relationship in my late 40s or at 50.

You need to work out why you are so scared to be alone and would rather put up with someone who abuses you. Why is you self esteem so low that you will put up with someone who doesn't like you and will force your son to live with. Doesn't your son count?

You should NEVER have someone in your life who lies to you constantly, who insists that your knowledge and reality are wrong, as that is the quickest way to insanity and a mental breakdown. To be blunt - do you want to lose your mind, your physical health, your job, your house and your son for him?

Kick him out (where he lives is not your responsibility to fix), and get some therapy for yourself. Do The Freedom Programme before dating again so you don't end up with another abusive man.

BettyBardMacDonald · 09/02/2025 10:53

What a loser. How on earth could you be with such a disrespectful user?

Great role model for your son, too. 🙄

BettyBardMacDonald · 09/02/2025 10:54

"You need to work out why you are so scared to be alone and would rather put up with someone who abuses you. Why is you self esteem so low that you will put up with someone who doesn't like you and will force your son to live with. Doesn't your son count?"

This x1000

Original poster
Daffodil9911 · 09/02/2025 10:59

True. I always said that I prefer to be on my own than in an unhappy relationship.

OP posts:
myplace · 09/02/2025 11:01

Daffodil9911 · 09/02/2025 09:14

He admitted that his behaviour was shitty and apologised, but thinks I'm overreacting by asking him to move out.

Edited

Well he would. But you aren’t.
FAFO.

Don't let his surprise or preference to do whatever he likes inform your ability to do what you want.

reesiespieces · 09/02/2025 11:03

Your son has the measure of this man.

If he wanted to be would. Time to make this one an ex OP.

PontiacFirebird · 09/02/2025 11:07

If your son doesn't like him then why on earth is he in your house!
This!!! Quite apart from the alcoholic behaviour and the gaslighting ( which should be a red card anyway)this is the most important thing. FGS, put your son first. Put him ahead of your fear of being alone. Better alone than badly accompanied.

BettyBardMacDonald · 09/02/2025 11:32

PontiacFirebird · 09/02/2025 11:07

If your son doesn't like him then why on earth is he in your house!
This!!! Quite apart from the alcoholic behaviour and the gaslighting ( which should be a red card anyway)this is the most important thing. FGS, put your son first. Put him ahead of your fear of being alone. Better alone than badly accompanied.

This.

Why would you force your child to live with such an awful man???

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 09/02/2025 11:33

Velvian · 09/02/2025 09:20

It doesn't really matter if he thinks you're unreasonable, it is not his decision. Standing you up and lying about is next level disrespectful and manipulative. I would say you have no choice but to get him out after that.

This^^

If you accept his behaviour this time, then you can safely expect more of the same…

pinkyredrose · 09/02/2025 11:39

Daffodil9911 · 09/02/2025 10:03

My son doesn't really like him as partner rarely manages to save money beyond paying for groceries considering he doesn't pay for accommodation and due to the reason that DS doesn't think that he spends enough time with me , especially on weekends when I'm off (assuming he's not working of course). My son will probably be off to college in a few years so then I'm worried that I'll be left on my own as would find it difficult to start a new relationship in my late 40s or at 50.

What would be the problem with being alone? Why is being with someone who treats you badly better than that?

It's not compulsory to be in a relationship

EmeraldDreams73 · 09/02/2025 12:06

soarklyknobs · 09/02/2025 09:34

"My son doesn't like him"

Ignoring everything else (& there's a lot to ignore 🙄)

⬆️ your son living with a man he actively avoids whilst going through a stressful time of his life (GCSEs, hormones, mum arguing in with the man she has living in his house) is enough to get him to leave.

He would struggle to afford rent elsewhere? Probably explains why he's living with you. He clearly doesn't like, respect or love you does he?

THIS. For goodness sake.

unsync · 09/02/2025 12:22

Daffodil9911 · 09/02/2025 09:30

@postitnot when he's not drunk and we're spending time together he's very caring and considerate. It's when he goes out drinking heavily with friends that the stress starts. He does this every couple of months.

Read this back. What advice would you give your bestie if they told you this?

Normallynumb · 09/02/2025 18:00

He sounds very immature for a man in his 40s
I wouldn't have the patience.
Do not give him another chance
He doesn't want to leave because he has it too easy.
Concentrate on your DS. At this age, they are more independent but approaching exams, he will need all of your support.