DH thinks my poor mental health

[LeavingUp]

Is because I’m stuck in the house most of the time bored.

I’ve been suffering really badly for the past month with horrific intrusive thoughts. I’ve always suffered with anxiety since being young but lately I’ve hit an all time low. I’ve barely been eating, sleeping, not wanting to leave the house. It’s been terrible. I haven’t felt relaxed once, I can’t concentrate on anything. It got that bad last week I phoned the Samaritans for the first time. I’ve had suicidal thoughts.

I have been keeping it to myself but last night I broke down in tears and told DH. I told him how I’ve been feeling that the only way to stop the pain is to take my life. He told me to grow up and said I obviously don’t care about DC if I could do that. I told him I don’t think I’d go through with it but I have been feeling like the DC would be better off without me anyway.

I literally poured my heart out to him. He told me that he thinks I bring it on myself and that it’s because I’m stuck in the house bored.

The GP increased my sertraline so hopefully it kicks in soon and I have an appointment with a mental health nurse in a few weeks.

What also hurts is when I’ve heard him on the phone to his friends, giving them advice and saying how he’ll always be there for them and that they can come to him for anything.

I feel so embarrassed that I’ve told him and he thinks it’s all my fault. Why on earth would I sit here and make myself feel like this purposefully? I’ve never been through something so horrible

I'm really sorry OP, that sounds like a shitty response from him and you deserve better.

Can I (as someone who has been in the same position) very gently suggest you get out for a walk if/when you can? Take a route that avoids people, listen to a funny podcast/empowering music, even if it's just a few minutes a day? I pushed myself to do that and it started to, very slowly, pull me out of the black hole I found myself in.

How often do you get out and do things? I think he has a point.

I don't think that's helpful,

As someone who has had anxiety, being bored is not a leading cause of it.

You need help and support and I'm sorry your DH was so dismissive.

The Samaritans are good if you need to talk. NHS can also do referrals for counselling which does help.

I'm sorry that your partner doesn't seem
To be giving you the same support that he offers his friends.

Has the GP spoken to you about any talking therapies or is this something for your mental health nurse? In my area, we do not need the GP to refer us to NHS mental health services.

We also have social prescribers working at our GP surgeries who we can also self refer to . They can help us find local authority and community led activities and programs to support positive mental health and community involvement. Where I live they can even attend groups with you so that you're not alone, the first time, things like walking groups for mental health or community learning and well-being classes. Maybe you could check if your GP surgery has these people too?

I'm sorry your husband is a cunt, @LeavingUp . The way he spoke to you is awful and he sounds like a fraud and a hypocrite. Please do seek help for your MH and intrusive thoughts. They won't improve while you're hiding yourself away and your depression is obviously worsening. It's a common mental health problem. Are you in the UK? Do you have a local Talking Therapies service?

Agree here, what's keeping you inside?
If it's young dc, speak to the hv about things and ask for info on local groups and activities?
If it's not and dc are at school are you working? How do you normally fill your day?

I hate to say it, but I think he has a point.

Of course poor mental health isn't your fault, but sitting around in the house doing nothing won't be helping. Getting outside in the fresh air, speaking to people and keeping your mind and body active and occupied are all essential when it comes to improving your mental health.

It's great you're on medication and getting support from your GP but I would make sure you're getting out of the house everyday and into the fresh air. It will do wonders.

I do leave the house. A few times a week. Food out, take DC to the play centre, parks. I’m not stuck in 24/7. But the thoughts follow me around, even when I’m out and enjoying myself

You need to be getting out everyday and doing something that's for you. Not food shopping or soft play - something that's for your benefit only. The gym, meeting friends, a hobby of some kind.

It's not healthy to only go out a few times a week and only for child or household related activities. Do you work? Volunteer? Meet friends or socialise or go to the gym?

I've struggled with my mental health since I was a teenager (now mid thirties) and after medication, it's getting outdoors and active that's made the biggest difference.

I'm sorry you are really struggling. I have also suffered from anxiety and depression since childhood and know how tough it can be.You say you don't leave the house much. Why don't you leave the house much? Do you get anxious and find it overwhelming? Have you got young kids?. Do you have someone to go out somewhere with? I have improved over the years but I still have my struggles. I do have to force myself to do stuff. I need things to look forward too. I simple coffee and a chat out with someone like a friend or relative can makes such a difference.

Little steps, give yourself small manageable goals. What do you enjoy doing? Would some proper counselling help? Someone to talk to, if you feel your hubby isn't understanding.

He sounds a bit crap in his delivery but is he trying to suggest practical things to help as he wants to give advice and "solve this"

it sounds like you would really benefit from an intervention (something like CBT or behavioural activation therapy) which is available on the nhs and hopefully your mental health nurse will be able to deliver this with you (I'm a mh nurse and do this with patients)

You can get through this and have taken the first steps so well done.

Don't take your DH's insensitivity on board...some people are crap with accepting thoughts and feelings and just want to "do things to fix".

Well done for calling Samaritans too, keep doing that for support whenever you need.

Can you do an hours fast walk first thing, even if it’s early. The endorphins will help.

I'm sorry your husband had such a selfish response @LeavingUp . If you're able, I would let him know how disappointed you were in his response and how different it was to his response to friends.

How old is your DC? Do you have any other support? Could you and DC stay with your parents for a bit of a break and a change of scenery? Just until your medication starts to make a difference?

If the medication is not working, don't be afraid to try a different one. I had a similar time in my life and Fluoxetine saved me. It took about 3 weeks to start working, but it was such a relief.

💐 for you. It is such a horrible thing to go through. You need some TLC.

It’s probably the serious mental illness that OP is suffering with that’s keeping her inside.

This isn't normal feeling indulgently sorry for yourself and needing to give yourself a good shake and get up and go somewhere. This is a medical condition causing OPs brain to experience extreme anxiety to the point where she is suicidal and has no support from her OH. The last thing we should be saying is pull yourself together.

You could say it to me today as I have a crap cold and I'm feeling tired and sorry for myself, and a good walk with help. But not to someone with a medical anxiety condition that is so bad she's just had to increase her meds.

What helps me.. and it sounds trite and simplistic, I don't mean it that way OP

When I fall into a pit, what helps me clamber back out is to become selfish.. 😁

I'll get food I love, not anyone else, me.
I'll walk dog where I love.
I'll get away and out on my own in places of natural beauty and peace.. of you ever see a lone figure knna hillside with a camping stove and a pot of coffee... Could be me..

So on and so forth.
(It doesn't have to be my examples btw)

Life can become trudgery and misery very quick. Some days you have to say, as loudly as possible,
"Fuck this bullshit..."

So.. if you love Swimming.. do it. No excuses, do it.
If you want to learn golf, force yourself to get a club and go..
If you've ever had any I treat in ancient Egyptian pottery and the artifacts left by people of old... DO IT..

If you spend 99% of your life doing what needs to be done but not what you want to do, misery, depression, anxiety, stress,dark thoughts etc will spread like a cloud..

Above all of course, be kind to yourself.
"Today I'm not doing so good" is never a sign of weakness... ❤️

I mean he has a point. It probably isn't the cause of your poor mental health, but it sure ain't helping.

It’s probably the serious mental illness that OP is suffering with that’s keeping her inside.

It probably is - and it's one of the shittest parts of having poor mental health, because the things that will help you are often the things that feel absolutely impossible.

But that doesn't mean you don't do them. I've been where OP is and it's absolutely horrendous - I've spent many days and weeks staring at the same four walls because I couldn't even be bothered to get dressed, but ultimately that's not helpful and only makes you feel ten times worse.

Sometimes it takes a third party to say "look, you're really not helping yourself by doing X" to get you going again. Even if OP only starts by getting outside in the garden for five minutes every morning and builds up, it's better than nothing. Getting out and keeping occupied, and tiring your mind and body are all vital for good mental health. And they're often the things we feel the least like doing.

I wouldnt count things like a food shop as getting out of the house really, I mean yes you're leaving the building but it's a chore.

Get out and do something you enjoy that's good for your soul. Like a walk everyday, yoga or join the gym (you dont have to love the gym even just listen to audiobook).

Do you get much interaction with other adults?

It could be your husband was just a bit shocked and didnt deal with the situation well. Is he normally helpful and supportive?

Also whilst your MH isnt your fault, you do have to help yourself and put steps in place to improve your situation. You've already been to dr and are awaiting help from NH nurse which is amazing so well done. Definitely look at doing something for you- not as a mother or wife or whatever- something that makes you feel good

Mental health issues are an illness, presumably your husband isn't a doctor. You wouldn't discuss your PCOS treatment with him and seriously expect any sort of resolution, why on earth do you think he can help with mental illness?

If you believe mental illness really is a genuine illness, then you agree that only a medically trained professional should be advising on your treatment.

If you think mental illness is really some sort of psudo-emotive psychological cuddle fest, then you can't reasonably dismiss your husbands advice, however much you disagree with it.

You're literally, by your own admission, suicidal. Don't you think it's a really shit thing to do, to put that responsibility on someone else and then criticise them for not dealing with it in exactly the way YOU want them to.

A "normal" person cannot help with your mental health issues, anymore than "normal" person could help you with heart murmur.

You need proper professional help OP, not a chat with your husband.

It's been proven that daily exercise, outside the home, Vitamin D from sunlight on your skin and positive interactions with others improves mental health.

On a very base level your DH is 100% correct.

Have you tried walking or jogging every morning? Maybe leaving your DH at home to take care of the kids and getting out before he goes to work?

Or taking an evening exercise class; yoga, badminton, a walk listening to a podcast.

Leave him with the kids and the housework, you go out do something that lifts your spirits, return to the kids tucked up in bed, the washing up done and the hoover put round; don't you think that would make you feel better?

Why not take him up on his offer to help you feel better, by him taking over inside the house chores and childcare, while you do outside the house exercise and activities?

Thanks for the advice everyone. A lot of things to bear in mind.

@Chiseltip Of course I didn’t expect him to be able to solve my issues. But I’ve been holding my feelings in for a long time and finally cracked. I felt I was loosing the plot and just needed to tell somebody. Obviously me saying I was suicidal to him wouldn’t have been nice to hear but as I said, I needed it off my chest. If he was feeling this way then I would want to know. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with going to your husband wanting a chat or a hug. And I have had professional help like I said in my OP I have had my sertraline increased and have an appointment with a MH nurse

He is not a therapist, i am aware men have to put up anything and everything thrown at them by their partners but they not programmed to react how they have been programmed too but you sound like you can do with external support

And yes I think he has a point

Being generous, I'm not sure I'd give my best advice if I'd just discovered my partner was feeling suicidal. If it's the first time you've opened up to him about how bad it is, he's probably shocked and scared and trying to come up with an idea of something you can do immediately to help.

It may not have been the best response and I'm sure it wasn't what you'd hoped for, but it's a lot easier to be calm and supportive to a friend on the phone than it is when you realise your whole world is under threat.