DH thinks my poor mental health

[LeavingUp]

Is because I’m stuck in the house most of the time bored.

I’ve been suffering really badly for the past month with horrific intrusive thoughts. I’ve always suffered with anxiety since being young but lately I’ve hit an all time low. I’ve barely been eating, sleeping, not wanting to leave the house. It’s been terrible. I haven’t felt relaxed once, I can’t concentrate on anything. It got that bad last week I phoned the Samaritans for the first time. I’ve had suicidal thoughts.

I have been keeping it to myself but last night I broke down in tears and told DH. I told him how I’ve been feeling that the only way to stop the pain is to take my life. He told me to grow up and said I obviously don’t care about DC if I could do that. I told him I don’t think I’d go through with it but I have been feeling like the DC would be better off without me anyway.

I literally poured my heart out to him. He told me that he thinks I bring it on myself and that it’s because I’m stuck in the house bored.

The GP increased my sertraline so hopefully it kicks in soon and I have an appointment with a mental health nurse in a few weeks.

What also hurts is when I’ve heard him on the phone to his friends, giving them advice and saying how he’ll always be there for them and that they can come to him for anything.

I feel so embarrassed that I’ve told him and he thinks it’s all my fault. Why on earth would I sit here and make myself feel like this purposefully? I’ve never been through something so horrible

It must be absolutely terrifying to have your partner tell you they've had suicidal thoughts.

Have you considered your not so 'D' H is the problem? Because unless his response is massively out of character for him, I'd say you're living with a nasty cunt of a man

What has he done that's nasty?

If this was the other way around, you'd be advised to ask your dh to go stay somewhere else for a while. Kids to keep safe, can't give your whole self to him etc. Support from afar.

Op I know you are asking about your husband but I think you need to concentrate on you here.

by staying in you are allowing the thoughts to win and this means they will get worse.

they are just thoughts and you need to develop techniques to manage them. Hopefully the MH team will help you do this. But you can also look at self help books .

i have had awful intrusive thoughts after having a baby so I sympathise but you can learn to manage them and the distress they cause.

essentially acknowledge the thought, tell yourself it is just a thought and doesn’t mean anything ( people often feel guilt that they could have such awful thoughts) and then move on. The thoughts stay but your reaction to them changes and over time the thoughts will get less frequent.

good luck op. X

Hmm - as someone with diagnosed anxiety and depression who is on medication, I totally disagree with you.

Mental illness is bloody awful and it can feel absolutely impossible - but you have to help yourself. Getting outside and exercising has been proven, time and time again, to help people struggling with both anxiety and depression. No, it's not easy. And yes, some days you would rather just lie in bed and rot and cry, but when you have children and a family, you can't do that. You have to get up and help yourself and push forward, even when it feels impossible.

I've had intrusive thoughts before they are really shitty things and can completely take you over, I don't think anyone can imagine if they haven't had them. I think you have to remember that, a lot of people like your DH and people on here can't imagine what it's like because they haven't suffered from them. I first had them at 15. had no idea what was happening to me and lived in terror for several months.

One thing I would say is that eating and sleeping are really important to mental health and you need to start looking after yourself even if you don't particularly feel like it. It's so important. Your DH doesn't have a point IMO, even if what he's saying is correct, you need him to be supportive and encouraging not telling you you're bringing it on yourself - that's just going to make you feel worse and more anxious and depressed.

Have you tried engaging with your intrusive thoughts in different ways to see if any help? So try examining them carefully and looking at them logically - ie an intrusive thought that you might push someone in front a train, hurt your child or suddenly take all your clothes off and dance naked - look carefully at the thought, don't try and push it away, remind yourself that you always have a choice and actually you're not going to do that stupid thing - you've never done it before so why would you do it now? Tell yourself that the thoughts are irrational and you can think about ridiculous things without actually doing them. Don't shy away from the thought but confront it head on and talk yourself through it.

The other sort of thing I have had is psychosomatic illnesses, with them I remind myself that it is just my brain playing tricks on me due to anxiety - that my issue is actually stress and anxiety, that i need to be really kind and gentle to myself and look after myself really well because my brain is telling me 'this is too much'. Maybe telling yourself that this is just your brain playing tricks on you because you are stressed and anxious and then thinking through all the things you need to do to reduce stress and keep yourself well and healthy would help.

I would also really recommend reading up as much as you can about irrational thoughts, I think the more you understand something the less scary it becomes. Also get all the help and support you can. I agree with telling your DH that you are disappointed that he wasn't more kind and supportive, he didn't need to solve your MH issues he just needed to give you a hug and ask what he could do to help you while you're struggling.

Good luck OP!

Absolute nonsense!

Could your nurse see if the crisis team will see you?

💯

But there's ways of doing that and the OP's DH telling her she's bringing it on herself by not going out enough is not going to make her feel like going out more, it's jsut going to make her feel worse and even less like going out.

It's like a husband telling their overweight wife that they're fat because they eat too much cake - it's more likely to send them running right back to the cake then it is to make them stop eating it.

The OP needs a bit of support and encouragement right now, not berating.

Only if this had been going on for 10 years and the husband was not willing to do anything to help himself. She literally told her husband about it 1 day ago and is already upping her meds and getting other help.

She does need support - but I don't think it's fair to expect a non-professional to know what to say when their spouse comes to them and basically says "I want to kill myself".

It's really easy to sit on here and say "yeah, your DH is a dick and he should have done X" but if a woman was on here saying "I don't know what to do - DH wants to kill himself" she'd be told to get him to the doctors and to not feel like she's responsible for his behaviour or his feelings.

OP is doing all the right things - getting professional support, increasing her medication and opening up to her DH - but that doesn't mean her DH can be expected to know the right things to do and say. It sounds like he's just going down the "advice" route rather than the sympathetic one - it's not necessarily the most helpful thing to do, but he's not wrong, either.

OP what are you doing to help yourself?

I was very down and had suicidal thoughts when I was peri menopausal and then when I started taking progesterone.

So I started counselling, upped my exercise (I was already did a lot anyway) but more walks, more yoga, less high intensity, made an effort to see friends which I'm not terribly good at.

All these things helped and added up.

Now my HRT is optimised, I still do all the exercise and spend more time with friends and now I am in a much more balanced place.

Please look at what you can do to help yourself also. I think that is what your DH is getting at.

Your DH probably didn’t know how to respond. He’s not a mental health professional; his wife and mother to his children has dropped this bombshell, it will take him a while to process.
You’ve compared it to him giving support to friends, but it’s a completely different situation when a friend needs a bit of help, to your wife telling you that they want to kill themselves. I honestly don’t know how I would have reacted in that situation if DH had told me that.

If this situation was reversed and the OP was saying her husband was depressed and suicidal, the response would have been that he needs professional help, and she should not take this burden on herself and should make sure she looks after herself and the children.

This will have had a big impact on him too and I think the pp who called him a ‘c*nt’ were out of order.

OP I agree with the other posters who say make sure you are doing things for yourself. Not for the children, not chores.

Are you one of those who think all men are nasty?

I agree with this. You told him how you felt and he responded in the typically male way of wanting to offer solutions to fix it.

Is he doing his fair share and more with the DCs to support you through this ? I would point him at practical things he can do to help, rather than trying to seek medical advice from him.

I think there is a good chance if he’s an otherwise decent person that it’s had a knock on effect on him. I am ashamed to admit my well of sympathy just drained dry when I was living with someone with depression. It wasn’t their fault but it sucked the joy out of my life as well and it makes you harsh and horrible.

I am sorry though @LeavingUp , it’s hard on everyone

I have had a lot of intrusive thoughts in the past and I do find the only way to distract from them is to keep busy with work etc. They were always worse on holidays when I had more time on my hands. Sertraline really helped so I hope it does for you op.

There is a book called ‘overcoming unwanted intrusive thoughts’ it’s good. Do you like reading?

Your husband might have been shocked if you have been keeping it bottled up, maybe he did not realise how bad things have gotten for you and he didn’t know how to deal with it.

You are irreplaceable for your children.

You can get help to overcome your anxiety, your husband is not a therapist (I hope!!!) but can he help you arrange some therapy ? Does your husbands company have an Employee Assistance program’ you have access to that too.

It’s free and confidential. Do you work? Does your company have EAP?

No need to answer me, I’m just asking the question, but anxiety is improve-able and is often curable. You just asked the wrong person for help.

Go back to your GP, look for some therapy, write and write and write or walk and walk and walk or read and read and read, try to do anything that will help you.
Even a small bit, today.

You are irreplaceable to your children.

Do you and your DH have equal free time and money to spend? Are you too scared to pop out in the evening / weekend when he's home? Do you have money to get some trainers and a decent coat to walk in and maybe listen to some music?

How is your relationship in general?

Some people find Mindfulness a bit woo but it really helped me. I used the Headspace app (other services are available).

I also found walking in a safe area with my music on loud through my headphones helped.

Sometimes a good scream into the pillow is good.

If he thinks the solution is to help you get out more, can he actually help with that if it's something you feel ready for?
It could help.

He is probably feeling overloaded himself if you aren't getting out much. Is he working & keeping the house & kids in order? He may genuinely not have much left in him to support you emotionally.