DH thinks my poor mental health

[LeavingUp]

Is because I’m stuck in the house most of the time bored.

I’ve been suffering really badly for the past month with horrific intrusive thoughts. I’ve always suffered with anxiety since being young but lately I’ve hit an all time low. I’ve barely been eating, sleeping, not wanting to leave the house. It’s been terrible. I haven’t felt relaxed once, I can’t concentrate on anything. It got that bad last week I phoned the Samaritans for the first time. I’ve had suicidal thoughts.

I have been keeping it to myself but last night I broke down in tears and told DH. I told him how I’ve been feeling that the only way to stop the pain is to take my life. He told me to grow up and said I obviously don’t care about DC if I could do that. I told him I don’t think I’d go through with it but I have been feeling like the DC would be better off without me anyway.

I literally poured my heart out to him. He told me that he thinks I bring it on myself and that it’s because I’m stuck in the house bored.

The GP increased my sertraline so hopefully it kicks in soon and I have an appointment with a mental health nurse in a few weeks.

What also hurts is when I’ve heard him on the phone to his friends, giving them advice and saying how he’ll always be there for them and that they can come to him for anything.

I feel so embarrassed that I’ve told him and he thinks it’s all my fault. Why on earth would I sit here and make myself feel like this purposefully? I’ve never been through something so horrible

It's not a man thing, it's an empathetic human being thing.

I'm pretty sure that had the OP come on here saying her husband had admitted to having suicidal thoughts and that she had told him to grow up, that she'd have been roundly told off.

I wouldn't be so sure.

There have been plenty of similar threads over the years, and every time, the OP has been told that poor mental health isn't a reason to opt out of life, and that her husband has a duty to get himself sorted for the sake of her/the kids.

It's also often the case that she's told not to make his mental health her responsibility.

Agree with @biscuitsandbooks it would be 'you're not a mh professional/ you need to put on your own oxygen mask first/ he won't get better unless he's proactive'

Did you have these feelings before you upped your meds or after ? It’s just that meds can make you have suicidal thoughts starting up and increasing especially gp is doing it too fast . It takes between 4-8 week for them to get into your system and to notice any changes. So don’t go too fast increasing as more is not always better
I had them when I started venlafaxine I was scared shitless never had them in my life. I too told dp because I didn’t want to hide anything from him in how I was feeling. He didn’t really know what to say or do (which I completely understand now) apart from tell the gp or my councillor.

I agree go out more but only when you know you can cope with it, especially on your own(no kids)
Do a coffee & cake, treat yourself
Do things for YOU , wether that’s locking yourself in the bathroom to have a bubbly bath for 30 mins
I got a book called
don’t believe everything you think
when your slightly better, could you join a club
a hobby that you like
crafting, knitting, crocheting, something that interests you

hope the Sertraline works for you

Fuck me, some of these comments are pretty mean and unhelpful. Serious mental illness is not something you can just fix by someone telling you to get out more. And OP is getting out of the house!

OP, I'm so sorry you're struggling so much and that when you opened up to your DH he responded terribly. Everyone saying 'well, he's not a MH professional' has got a pretty low bar for just being an empathetic human being who should care about his wife! Especially one who's shown he can be empathetic to friends.

I too have struggled with intrusive thoughts and it is awful. You can get through this and they will get better with the right help. I still get them but they barely bother me now because I have the tools to deal with them. Are you aware that they could be a form of OCD? I say this because if so, it needs specific treatment.

I know you are seeing a MH nurse soon but if you need some coping mechanisms in the meantime, here are two things that helped me:

One, imagining the thought as an anxious person knocking on the door of my lovely fairytale cottage (not really where I live!). I open the door to them and feel so much compassion for them. They mean well but it's not helping. I let them in and we sit down at the kitchen table with a cup of tea and I let them get it all out. They finally finish and I pat their hand and then they say thank you and are able to leave, much calmer than before.

Two, I realised with the help of my therapist that where I thought I was letting the thought go, I really wasn't. I was pushing it away in fear which made my brain feel even more like it was something to worry about. I don't seem to be able to let it go so I actually have to grab on to the thought, let it play out and do its worst basically. (For me quite a lot of things are image based so it's like watching it - I don't know how thst would work with more verbal thoughts. Actually, thinking about it, that is what my cottage image above works for.) At first you do panic, it shocked me how much the first time, but then you habituate to it. It's effectively ERP therapy as I understand it.

Big caveat that this is just what works for me but maybe there's something here that can help while you wait. I still get intrusive thoughts but I now have the tools to manage them and they're no longer debilitating. It feels great! I do believe you can get there too. Wishing you all the best.

Fuck me, some of these comments are pretty mean and unhelpful. Serious mental illness is not something you can just fix by someone telling you to get out more. And OP is getting out of the house!

OP, I'm so sorry you're struggling so much and that when you opened up to your DH he responded terribly. Everyone saying 'well, he's not a MH professional' has got a pretty low bar for just being an empathetic human being who should care about his wife! Especially one who's shown he can be empathetic to friends

I very much doubt anyone responds perfectly to their spouse (and parent to their children) telling them they essentially want to die and can't see any point in living anymore. I really don't think it's fair to criticise him for that.

And nobody is saying mental illness can be fixed just by getting out of the house, but my God does it help. And I've been there. I've been in that situation where I just want to rot in bed and cry because everything seems utterly helpless. Like OP, I needed medication and therapy, but I also needed to get up, washed and out of the house. Not to go and do the food shop, not to go to soft play - but to do something for me. It's invaluable and so, so important.

And it is hard. I get it. I really get it. Some days it feels impossible. But medication and therapy can only do so much - and sitting at home all the time except for essential activities isn't good for anyone. There's a reason so many people struggled during lockdown.

This.

If you can read “overcoming unhelpful intrusive thoughts’ by professor david Veale or listen to it on audible. I am a MH professional and it’s very useful for intrusive thoughts. Please try to access some therapy too. You deserve to feel better