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Original poster

Do i have baby number 4

53 replies

mazie2024 · 07/02/2025 21:17

I'm torn between having another baby. I have 3 kids. I'm 43. My kids are 21, 14and 4.
I'm financially ok. Own my own house etc. I know it's going to cause a huge rift in my family (my father and brother). My father struggles mentally and tells my brother I'm borrowing money. When in fact dad looses it (I do t know what he does with it tbh). I don't honestly care what my brother thinks. But I don't want to take the only family from my kids if they have a strop.
I have the next 3 years working from home. So seems perfect timing to have my final.baby.
I've never had a smooth pregnancy
Id love to experience this once (my mum died in my last. I was in an abuse relationship for the older kids).
Id love to be able to enjoy a pregnancy and birthing experience.
Am I being insane wanting to do this and knowing the risks of loosing my father and.brother in our lives. Am I being really selfish to my the kids I have

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/02/2025 21:21

I think it would be foolish tbh.

Health, time, finances, disability risks, lack of family/support.

WhateverMate · 07/02/2025 21:24

I think it would be very daft at this late stage in your life.

I also think it has nothing to do with your dad and your brother.

BreadInCaptivity · 07/02/2025 21:26

For a start you're assuming you'll have a smooth pregnancy and birth next time around and that's not something you can bank on.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
crankytoes · 07/02/2025 21:28

Why would it cause a huge rift in your family? Your family sounds dysfunctional but I'm not understanding why you having another child will affect your father and brother

FknOmniShambles · 07/02/2025 21:29

Can't you just focus on the ones you've got rather than selfishly perpetuate the fucking drama?

Redfred00 · 07/02/2025 21:32

I had my kids later in life. My first at 40 and second at 42. It wasn't deliberate. We actually started trying at 30 and it just didn't happen. It took a lot of money and intervention to have the first. I absolutely wouldn't recommend having a baby at 43 when you already have 3 healthy children. I think it's a huge risk.

Icanttakethisanymore · 07/02/2025 21:33

FknOmniShambles · 07/02/2025 21:29

Can't you just focus on the ones you've got rather than selfishly perpetuate the fucking drama?

How is having another child perpetuating the drama? Assuming you’re talking about the slightly odd sounding situation with her brother and her dad then surely she could either perpetuate the drama or not with any number of children given ‘the drama’ is not about having lots of children?

TwentyTwentyFive · 07/02/2025 21:33

You don't actually say you want another child only you what to experience a positive birth and pregnancy. If you want another child then have another but it doesn't sound like that's what you actually want?

comoatoupeira · 07/02/2025 21:34

You’re 43…

Lyn348 · 07/02/2025 21:36

Surely three kids is enough for anyone? I'd concentrate on what you have. If you fell out with your family during the pregnancy you probably wouldn't see it as a smooth one anyway - and what then, number 5? You can't just keep churning out kids to try and have a smooth pregnancy.

YourWinter · 07/02/2025 21:37

I think you’d be mad. If you did conceive, carry and have a healthy baby it would still be at primary school when you’re mid-50s, post menopausal, almost ready to draw your pension. You’re likely to be the oldest parent in your child’s class, that’s acutely embarrassing for them. I know from experience, my father was 45 when I was born, long after my siblings.

And if you don’t carry a healthy child? The risk of a disability that could result in termination is significantly increased. What if your eldest has their first child before you’ve conceived? What if a difficult pregnancy puts your own health at risk? You won’t bounce back the way you might have in your 20s.

Are not three children enough?

HollyFern1110 · 07/02/2025 21:39

I wouldn’t personally. I also have two older DCs (27 & 24) and a younger one (14).

vimtovibes · 07/02/2025 21:41

Personally feel there are way too many other factors going on here that adding baby won't improve anything

comoatoupeira · 07/02/2025 21:42

It’s because times have been so rocky for you and full of drama as a pp said, now things are smoother and you feel you’re missing something. You could try and learn to sit with a be happier with calmer times?

HundredPercentUnsure · 07/02/2025 21:42

I've never had a smooth pregnancy
Id love to experience this once (my mum died in my last. I was in an abuse relationship for the older kids).
Id love to be able to enjoy a pregnancy and birthing experience.

You're yearning for a smooth pregnancy, that might not occur. You don't once say you want a child. So on that basis, I'm out. Don't do it.

Scentedjasmin · 07/02/2025 21:43

Some harsh responses OP. I've had several friends give birth at 43/44. You have a 4 year old, so can understand the desire for another as a sibling. However, obviously risks are higher post 40. Ignore your family. It's not up to your Dad and brother. Discuss with your partner and do what's best for you. Don't expect it to necessarily go smoothly though.

mummatothree3 · 07/02/2025 21:45

. What if your eldest has their first child before you’ve conceived? What if a difficult pregnancy puts your own health at risk? You won’t bounce back the way you might have in your 20s.

What rubbish!
I'm 41 and just had a healthy baby, I also have children at primary school and an adult son from a previous relationship and grandson there are lots of older parents at the school gates.
And I'm back in my size 8 jeans.

Fiery30 · 07/02/2025 21:45

YourWinter · 07/02/2025 21:37

I think you’d be mad. If you did conceive, carry and have a healthy baby it would still be at primary school when you’re mid-50s, post menopausal, almost ready to draw your pension. You’re likely to be the oldest parent in your child’s class, that’s acutely embarrassing for them. I know from experience, my father was 45 when I was born, long after my siblings.

And if you don’t carry a healthy child? The risk of a disability that could result in termination is significantly increased. What if your eldest has their first child before you’ve conceived? What if a difficult pregnancy puts your own health at risk? You won’t bounce back the way you might have in your 20s.

Are not three children enough?

Why is it embarrassing for a child? That's such a negative outlook. What matters is that the child has warm, affectionate and security providing parents. Any child who is ashamed of that is ungrateful and needs to be taught better.

Maxorias · 07/02/2025 21:45

Hello OP,

I appreciate the conundrum. I wasn't sure about having a third (went back and forth on it for a while). I did have her but had a big wobble about it a few weeks ago thinking I'd made a mistake. Now I'm honestly glad I have her, I just need to get through the next couple of years so I'm out of the toddler years !

A few things to consider :

  • You're 43 so it may not happen.
  • If it does happen there is a higher risk for the baby having issues.
  • Your eldest is 21 so you don't have to parent them as such but you will have to deal with three kids at very different stages in life. Best case scenario they will be 15 and 5 by the time the baby's born. Consider the logistics of this, finding activities that everyone enjoys, etc. You'll have a few years of hard work while your 15yo is in the middle of teen years and the baby is very needy, though arguably it will only be an issue for a few years.
  • You'll be going right back to the beginning just when it's becoming much easier. My youngest is 1yo, my oldest is 6yo, so mine are much closer together but I still feel like I've been swimming in nappies for a long time and I'm looking forward to my daughter being toilet trained and being definitely out of nappies ! Are you sure you're ready to go back to nappies, bottles, naps...etc ?
  • Assuming you get pregnant quickly and baby is born when you're 44, you'll be 61 by the time the baby is 18. Do you feel up to it ? Personally I'll be 55 by the time my last is 18 and frankly I think I'll be happy to enjoy those few years while I no longer have kids to parent and still young enough to enjoy life !

Bottom line : if you're sure you're ready to deal with all of this, I see no reason why you couldn't have another baby. But do think it through carefully first to be sure this is what you want. Once the baby's here you can't hand them back !

Maxorias · 07/02/2025 22:10

I'm confused by pp. There are reasons for and against but I can't see what's possibly embarrassing about having a child at 43. Plenty of people do.

Original poster
mazie2024 · 08/02/2025 00:23

RandomMess · 07/02/2025 21:21

I think it would be foolish tbh.

Health, time, finances, disability risks, lack of family/support.

Why health?
Why time?
Financially I'm stable. I work remotely. So have plenty of time
What's the disability risk?
I've not had family support with any of my kids. Managed fine with all 3 :)

OP posts:
ACynicalDad · 08/02/2025 00:25

You presume everything is going to go well. If your family is functioning and happy, why risk all that?

WhateverMate · 08/02/2025 00:28

What does your partner think about it?

Maxorias · 08/02/2025 00:36

ACynicalDad · 08/02/2025 00:25

You presume everything is going to go well. If your family is functioning and happy, why risk all that?

But if we assume everything is going to go badly we'd never do anything. Surely any decision making involves weighing up the risks and accepting that they exist ?

I looked it up. Risk for down syndrome is apparently 34/1000 pregnancies for women 45 and older, or 3.4%. It's not negligible but it's not huge either (and it can be tested for and decision made to continue or not the pregnancy).

Studies have shown that young maternal age at childbirth can increase the risk of ADHD, but I have yet to see a young mother being encouraged to wait to have kids for this reason.

I also looked up the risk of ASD in relation to maternal age. While the risk does increase, the overall maximum risk seems to be under 2% even for the oldest parents.

So while it is a fact that risks increase with age, people need to stop fearmongering. MN hates anyone who has more than 2.1 kid, but if you have a problem with that perhaps you (general you, not pp specifically) need to ask yourself why, rather than predict bleak outcomes of pregnancy that have no basis on science.

RampantIvy · 08/02/2025 00:36

What's the disability risk?

Much higher at 43.
I am 66 and still working as I had DD later in life and need to support her financially through higher education.

I would quit while you are ahead.

What does your partner think?

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