Do i have baby number 4

[mazie2024]

I'm torn between having another baby. I have 3 kids. I'm 43. My kids are 21, 14and 4.
I'm financially ok. Own my own house etc. I know it's going to cause a huge rift in my family (my father and brother). My father struggles mentally and tells my brother I'm borrowing money. When in fact dad looses it (I do t know what he does with it tbh). I don't honestly care what my brother thinks. But I don't want to take the only family from my kids if they have a strop.
I have the next 3 years working from home. So seems perfect timing to have my final.baby.
I've never had a smooth pregnancy
Id love to experience this once (my mum died in my last. I was in an abuse relationship for the older kids).
Id love to be able to enjoy a pregnancy and birthing experience.
Am I being insane wanting to do this and knowing the risks of loosing my father and.brother in our lives. Am I being really selfish to my the kids I have

I wouldn’t. Why risk what you have? Odds of disability are higher, odds of complications to your health are higher.

I think the answer is a no brainer.

You’ve made no mention of what your partner thinks.
You already have three children.

What have your father and brother got to do with whether or not you have another child?

I had my third at 37 ,very tiring,cannot imagine how hard a few years later . What is your insensitive?

Indeed. There may be a number of reasons not to have a child based on the OP, but age isn't one of them. Where I live, no one would bat an eyelid at a pregnant 40something woman.

This.

Think of the planet, too.

What's the disability risk?

There is always one. My friend has a heavily down's syndrome child, can't talk, still wears nappies as an adult.

I suggest counselling for you.

How old is your partner? What do they think? I'm surprised you are unaware of the higher risks, including risk of disability, that come with older mothers.

You shouldn’t have a baby if you need everything to go smoothly for it to work with your life plans.

you already have 3 children that need your attention and support, 2 of whom are going to need parenting for a long time. Can you really meet their needs and care for another child, even if the new child brings unexpected challenges?

It sounds like you just want some self care

No.
Enjoy your three.

@Maxorias I actually disagree with your first point. For the majority of people I know, pregnancy can be a very anxious time, awaiting scans and check ups to get confirmation everything is ok. I think this part of the OPs post changes things. I've never had a smooth pregnancy. Id love to experience this once. Id love to be able to enjoy a pregnancy and birthing experience.
There is no guarantee she will have a smooth pregnancy. What then? A 5th child? Its something we all hope for, but it's not a reason to have another baby

Disability risks soar at this age- be grateful you have three healthy children, and don't risk a child's life by giving them a disability because of your perceived need to have a baby again.

Love the children you already have.

Fair enough, but the reasons why OP never experienced a smooth pregnancy were not due to health issues, they were due to bereavement and domestic abuse.

I do agree that OP needs to be clear that having a child cannot be solely about the pregnancy and birth experience - after the baby's born there's another 18 years at least of raising them, and a lifetime of being their parent. She has to want that for this to work. But OP has three kids so I think it's a safe assumption that she knows how much work is needed to raise a child.

People always say this when someone wants more than two kids - if you have a third will you want a fourth, a fifth, etc. But is having five children something we all hope for, really ? while we all place the limit at different places, most of us know when we're done. Personally, I tried hard to convince myself I was okay with two, but I wasn't. And when I had my third I was very clear that I would never want a fourth, and that feeling has only solidified with time. So I don't think most people just want an infinite number of kids.

If I was OP, by the way, I wouldn't go for it. She's spent 21 years raising three children, I don't know where she finds the energy and motivation to want a fourth ! But the fact is that she does, and assuming she's aware of the risks and the costs, I can see no objective reason why she shouldn't, aside from very personal preferences and life experiences.

@Heidi2018 sorry forgot to tag

I have 4, but I wouldn’t have had number 4 if I was in your situation.

When you say you have never had a smooth pregnancy, do you mean physically or emotionally? You can’t really know whether you would have a smooth one emotionally if you had another, you don’t have a crystal ball. However, if your pregnancies and deliveries have been complicated, the odds of another difficult pregnancy and birth are very high. I think the idea that you will enjoy pregnancy and birth (even if circumstances are smooth) at 44 (presuming it takes a while to conceive) seems far fetched. Even the recovery at 44-45 will likely be more challenging than with your others, particularly noting it’s the fourth time you have put your body through it, and there will be much less down time.

To be brutally honest, you have really large age gaps with all of them. I’d ask myself whether there is something about the youngest child growing up and needing you less that is driving the need to go again. You obviously don’t have to answer us, but I’d recommend being honest with yourself.

Given you have 3 kids that need you, I wouldn’t take the gamble noting the extra health risks at your age. I’d grieve the fact that your previous pregnancies were complicated and make peace with your life as it is

So you're planning on having a baby and WFH? Is it your own business or an employer?

What does the dad want?

It's not easy to get pregnant in your 40s I had my last at 41 but had some devastating miscarriages along the way and many years of peeing on sticks and disappointment.
If you're only just starting to try at 43 I would say good luck but don't get your hopes up because it's not always easy and may not happen anyway.

I get that, and it was my father rather than my mother who was 45 when I was born, but I was always embarrassed that he was a similar age to my school-friends’ grandfathers. I lived in a small village and everyone knew each other. I guess they knew I was a late and unplanned conception. Sorry for derailing with my own sensitivities.

I still don’t think it would be a good idea for the OP.

3 is more than enough.

For what it's worth I wouldn't assume someone was a "late and unplanned conception" solely based on the parents' ages.

Also, things have changed since then.

It sounds like you want a pregnancy rather than a child for the next 18 years. I would let the feeling pass and start enjoying the life you already have.

I was embarrassed at the advanced ages of my parents, and my peers did think they were my grandparents. However, I had DD at 41, and have taken much better care of myself than my parents did. For a start I have never smoked. My mum always looked older than her years, and I have been blessed with looking younger.

It never occurred to me to be worried about being 10 years older than most of the parents at DD's school.

If you have a child in mid forties, there is a higher risk that you’ll get seriously ill, not be able to work and even die while they’re still a teenager or in their 20s. You would have that extra anxiety for the next few decades.

Why don’t you use the time you save on commuting to spend time with your children?

Wow OP you've been getting some pretty shitty responses here, my two cents for what it's worth... if you and your partner want to try for a child and you think it's something you would regret if you didn't, then go for it. It's your lives and only you both have the authority to make this decision! With me, I was 37 when my first was born and I'll be 39 when my second is born, I've had no complications, very smooth pregnancies, and no health risks. Yes the risks may be slightly higher post-40 but there are also many many women in their 20s who experience difficult pregnancies and loss, so your age should not be the only determining factor. If you're fit and healthy and financially and emotionally stable enough to have a child then please don't listen to random women on the internet who have seemingly very passionate opinions on why you shouldn't have another child!!