How do you split finances?

[snacktimehelp]

Something my partner and I never seem to see eye to eye on is finances. (Not bad enough to split, but bad enough we bicker from time to time).

We’ve got 2 DC, and I was part time when they were small, and I’m also 8 years younger than DP so was earning less when we met anyway due to less time in career etc. These 2 things mean I earn a fair bit less than DP.

He did make a few career choices in recent years which mean he was earning less (still more than me) and he also has essentially been ‘squirrelling away’ a large amount of his wages for the last year or 2, meaning the net take home is less.

I earn okay now, we both work full time. We both also freelance on the side. I’d say on average my take home (if he didn’t squirrel away any!) is around half of his.

If relevant, this ‘squirrelling away’ means he has a much bigger pension and savings than I, especially as he was able to put chunks into his pension around the time we met.

We aren’t married, but are thinking about it soon. (Please no comments on the lack of security here - I know!)

Anyway I think that’s all the background. We own our house 50/50 as joint tenants and the bill split is roughly the following:

DP:
Mortgage
Sky
Utilities and council tax
Mostly covers holidays and big expenses (like when we had the downstairs painted for example)
He has older DC so also pays maintenance

Me:
Food
Car
Subscriptions/insurances
Wrap around care/extra curricular
Phone bill (both of ours)
Kids bits like clothes, parties etc
Cleaner

This makes the split approx 60/40 ish (him 60 me 40). Which I think given our income is reasonable. I also pick up most of the life admin / house work, though he is quite hands on with the kids, will take them to school etc etc, has them when I have to occasionally work away.

Why we bicker:
He thinks we should be 50:50. I don’t think this is reasonable considering our earnings and the extra ‘mental load’ I pick up.

He seems to think the norm is 50:50 (which I’d do if he picked up the extra mental load lol but he won’t) and can’t understand why a more proportionate split is fair.

Just curious, is it more common for proportionate or 50:50?

Once you add holidays it probably tips closer to 70/30 but we haven’t been away in a year - although hopefully soon need a holiday 😅

MN will tell you all money in to a pot and then excess split 50/50. We have never done this but it’s been fair. We do have quite a complex set up as we both invest.

If you don’t chuck it all in a pot it should be proportionate and not 50/50. I assume he is paying more in to his pension to avoid being a higher rate tax payer or just pay less tax?

Married or not fair or not people only have to split money when they divorce and assets are split. It’s why women can remain poor within relationships even if married.

Trouble is he thinks a 50/50 is fair when you earn less so he is obviously just a massively unreasonable partner. If you marry it’s good for a future divorce scenario but you could still remain poorer than him even if you marry.

His higher salary is probably enabled by you sacrificing yours.

We’re strictly all in one pot, equal monthly allowance out for personal spending. That’s because we see ourselves as one unit.

And for your financial security, given his attitude to “his” money, definitely get married.

Put all the bills into one account. What ever percentage ur wage is les than his u pay same percentage in towards bills
So if u earn 50% less then pay 50% less than what he does

I think approach to finances as second time rounders (like your DP is different). It’s also different if you are not married.

DP and I are second time rounders. We put 50% of what we earn into a joint account. We pay for our own kids out of our half. Our shared DC expenses come out of shared money. I work 3 1/2 days so do more child care (2 year old) and more housework. We never argue about money.

We live in my house and DP rents his out. Rent pretty much covers the mortgage.

We're all one pot, always have been.

But it's easier for us as we're married and aren't a blended family.

You've fallen into the trap of him paying for the house and running it and you for all the 'disposable' stuff like food, subscriptions and bits for the DC. If your relationship ends, this could really bite you in the arse.

If he wants it 50/50 then it needs to be all 50/50, not just money.

So he needs to do half of everything in the household, so cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, budgeting, grocery shopping, running DC to activities etc, making appointments and taking them there, clothes shopping for DC, clubs, etc etc.

If you want to develop your career so you can earn more, he needs to do more childcare while you spend time on this. He can't have his cake and eat it at your expense, which is currently what he seems to want.

What's his is his and what's yours is his.

Husband earns around a third more than me.

He pays mortgage, gas, electricity and TV licence and gives £100 weekly towards the food shop which is usually around £120-140 per week

I pay
Council tax
Home & life insurance
All things kid related, clothes, days out, holidays, school lunches, and vet bills
I also pay for any home improvements as I am able to save more my than my husband, the savings are split, 50/50 into a joint an my own account

We have separate bank accounts and a joint savings account

This is what I've said to him but he doesn't seem to understand how 'proportionate' is fair. Don't get me wrong it's not a big issue in the relationship at all, just once in a while it comes up and he makes it clear he'd prefer a 50:50 split...

I think being a 'blended' family definitely complicates things. And I know he felt a little 'burnt' financially in his prior relationship (long story, not going into it but he is relatively justified to feel this way), which has made him a lot more cautious this time round.

He would understand mighty quick how proportionate is fair if he was the one earning half of what you do but you were expecting him to contribute equally to you. Extremely unattractive behaviour from him. Miserly.

For reference, I earn a bit more than half of what my fiance earns (although I also earn well) and for our rent (we live abroad) he pays 70% I pay 30%, we kind of split the food depending on who does the shopping, he covers most bills, and all of our going out expenses (well, sometimes I treat). We don't have children yet. If there are bills or significant expenses that I've paid, then we arrange it so that I just give him less money towards the rent. I wouldn't find it in myself to love him if he was content to take advantage of me financially. If I was earning more than him I wouldn't be able to take more off him than what was proportionally fair.

I don’t think there’s a one right approach for everyone - we consider everything our money (husband earns significantly more), I work part time, do more with kids and he contributes to my pension but we are married and children are ours. Blended family situation probably contributing proportionally probably makes more sense and it terms to protecting his children who aren’t yours, not being married may work better for him. I think it’s about both of you feeling it’s fair rather than what others do - maybe a session or two of couples therapy might help?

DP and I pay 60/40% on all bills as that reflects our salaries (both full time). He calculates all bills at the end of the month and we each transfer what we owe to the joint account. It's work for him but he likes to do it. Your DP is being massively unreasonable.

I don't understand the idea that you pay x bills and he pays y bills. Especially when your bills include the food shop and bits for the kids which is hugely variable, and also probably for that reason the only one you can save on.
Also your bills seem more, I dunno, like "women's things" (cleaner, childcare) while his are more "big man providing" things (like mortgage).

I've always done a budget of how much each bill is, plus what we want to budget for food, going out, etc.

Then, once you have that figure (let's say it's £2k) then decide your proportions. It's slightly worrying that his pension reduces his take home and you have no hold over it.....but you know that.... In my relationships I've usually been the higher earner and I've always gone 50/50 on costs.
But anyway. Maybe he might think it fairer if you consider his salary post CM?
So let's say he brings in £3k post CM and you bring in £2k. He puts in 3/5th of the overall cost, you put in 2/5ths.
So, £1,200 for him, £800 for you.
Put that in a joint account, pay all the bills from there so neither of you 'owns' any of the bills. Make sure you both have debit cards for it so neither of you is stuck doing the food shop every time.

If you want to save together or forward plan for holidays, put a bit more in for that reason and have a savings account attached to the current account.

It's much more complex when one of you is second time round and already has kids.

He earns more he should pay more.

however, saving for a pension is not “squirrelling away” money, you seem to think he’s being unfair there and I’d say he’s not (although without figures it’s hard to say)

Fine make it 50:50 then include charges for your greater domestic labour - backdated to when you earns less from part time. And including (backdated) pension contributions for you

Is get married asap so that you're covered when you get divorced

Well -
For him taking advantage of you financially is quite an important aspect of your relationship

He is a bit, with them not being married and it reducing how much he can pay into the monthly expenses pot.

I was the higher earner. Everything went into one joint account and we both spent freely out of it. We would talk about any significant purchases but neither of us were big spenders so it never caused issues.

His CMS is 100% his responsibility. You should not be contributing to this at all.

Fair is having the same leftover 'fun' money at the end of each month.

In our house dh pays all the bills, every bill comes off the account his wages go into.
my wages cover days out, nights out, holidays, birthday and Christmas gifts.

weve always worked it this way and it works well for us. My name is on the mortgage (which thankfully is nearly paid off) At first we both worked full time then when we had children I worked part time, it’s only in the last 3 years we have earned roughly the same wages as each other.

in your case if your dh is wanting to go 50/50 then he needs to realise that’s money, housework, looking after the children, everything is 50/50.

We don't have mine and yours but ours, all money in joint current account and joint savings accounts.
We are married however youve been together a long time and have 2DC, which in many ways is a bigger commitment honestly I think money and resources should be shared.

This is our approach plus we do discuss things a lot so spendings as well. Savings are divided equally even considering that my income is much smaller.

He doesn’t completely see you as a family unit, which is why it feels unfair to him. But the only reason he is able to maintain this point of view is by ignoring all the ways in which you behave as if you are a family unit:

• mat leave/part time work
• life admin
• childcare
• housework

The deal in marriage is that the higher earning spouse supports the spouse who has taken a financial hit to look after the family (usually the wife). It’s a pooling of financial and non-financial resources to help the family run efficiently. If he doesn’t want this that’s his choice, but it’s a package deal. Why does he think you should sacrifice your time, energy and earning potential for nothing in return? Is he selfish, unempathic or just sexist?

We are not married but have a joint account. We put a proportionate amount of each of our incomes into this account (I actually make slightly more but it roughly equals out when I subtract out costs for my child, which is not his, and it's close enough that we just do 50/50) and then pay all joint bills with the account.

I am very happy with this arrangement.

My partner is not a greedy tosser, though, and would happily pay expenses for my child out of the joint account. Point being that attitude counts for a lot.