How do you split finances?

[snacktimehelp]

Something my partner and I never seem to see eye to eye on is finances. (Not bad enough to split, but bad enough we bicker from time to time).

We’ve got 2 DC, and I was part time when they were small, and I’m also 8 years younger than DP so was earning less when we met anyway due to less time in career etc. These 2 things mean I earn a fair bit less than DP.

He did make a few career choices in recent years which mean he was earning less (still more than me) and he also has essentially been ‘squirrelling away’ a large amount of his wages for the last year or 2, meaning the net take home is less.

I earn okay now, we both work full time. We both also freelance on the side. I’d say on average my take home (if he didn’t squirrel away any!) is around half of his.

If relevant, this ‘squirrelling away’ means he has a much bigger pension and savings than I, especially as he was able to put chunks into his pension around the time we met.

We aren’t married, but are thinking about it soon. (Please no comments on the lack of security here - I know!)

Anyway I think that’s all the background. We own our house 50/50 as joint tenants and the bill split is roughly the following:

DP:
Mortgage
Sky
Utilities and council tax
Mostly covers holidays and big expenses (like when we had the downstairs painted for example)
He has older DC so also pays maintenance

Me:
Food
Car
Subscriptions/insurances
Wrap around care/extra curricular
Phone bill (both of ours)
Kids bits like clothes, parties etc
Cleaner

This makes the split approx 60/40 ish (him 60 me 40). Which I think given our income is reasonable. I also pick up most of the life admin / house work, though he is quite hands on with the kids, will take them to school etc etc, has them when I have to occasionally work away.

Why we bicker:
He thinks we should be 50:50. I don’t think this is reasonable considering our earnings and the extra ‘mental load’ I pick up.

He seems to think the norm is 50:50 (which I’d do if he picked up the extra mental load lol but he won’t) and can’t understand why a more proportionate split is fair.

Just curious, is it more common for proportionate or 50:50?

Once you add holidays it probably tips closer to 70/30 but we haven’t been away in a year - although hopefully soon need a holiday 😅

Ps my ex was financially abusive and similarly squirreled away money in his pension (which he said we would share) while discouraging me from saving. This didn't work out well for me when we divorced, as you can imagine.

Agree it's harder when there are step kids in the mix.

For me, the minute I gave birth to my first child, I insisted on setting up a joint account. Both our salaries go in, all bills go out, and anything leftover is joint money. I wasn't about to be penalised for taking maternity leave or dropping to part time to look after his children. I also upped my pension to ensure we're both paying roughly the same ££ a month in. We're not married.

For me it's either all money in the pot then split 50/50 plus each take the same amount of free spend out each month. Any leftover goes to joint savings, holidays etc.

Or proportioned split, so if you earn 50 less than what he does them you adjust your contributions accordingly

It's not a partnership when he outearns you but expects you to go 50/50 and he is able
to have substantial savings.
Being tight is extremely unattractive.

We had all regular household bills and food shop come out of a joint account that we paid into proportionally to what we earnt, and he would also pay for additional household things like home repairs, unexpected expenses and holidays etc. now I am earning more, we are paying all regular bills 50:50 but he is still covering the home repairs/ unexpected expenses but I like being able to contribute towards holidays.

we have our own money that is in our own separate accounts to do what we like with, so never feel a need to justify spending.

i think all couples will have different ways of doing it and it is just important that BOTH people in the relationship find it fair.

When I was working we put everything into one account to pay bills and took out a set amount each month to go into our personal savings accounts, we both had company pensions (UK) at that point. When we moved to the US we had, and still have, a joint 401K (US version of retirement savings). I gave up work when we had the DC by mutual agreement and from then on DH gave me a set amount each month to pay all the household expenses and anything I saved from that I could keep. It was pretty generous and I saved it and was able to pay things like unexpected vet bills or house repairs from it but if I'd blown it on frivolous stuff DH wouldn't have minded. DH still put money into the 401K for both of us, the house was always in joint names. Now we are back in the UK we have one joint account that pays for everything.

DH is in finance so always earned 30% more than I did as an engineer. He has always regarded us as a team and appreciates that me giving up my career (which I was horrible at and found very stressful) enabled him to focus on his and do things like travel for business which advanced his career.

This ⬆️ 50/50 on everything if he's being an arse.

We are long-time married and we are a team. Everything we earn goes into one account. We've gone through times when I've been a SAHM, when he's been between contracts, when both of us have been working full-time, but all money we have still goes into that one account. His profession means that he earns three times as much as I do but money is still treated as 50/50.

As soon as we moved in together, we opened a joint bank account and everything we earned went in there. All bills, food, car expenses etc come out of it, and DH and myself had an equal DD from the joint account to our individual accounts. If joint account builds up, a sum gets transferred to our joint savings. We both have some money in our own names, DH more as he paid off mortgage when his Mum died and kept the rest - when we have major works done to the house, he's volunteering to pay for or towards them out of that money. We both see money in individual accounts as joint if they have to be as we're a family unit and support eachother. DH has always earnt more, he's never questioned this and has been grateful that times I'm at home, I'm doing housework, cooking which means he doesn't have to do so much.

Unless my Mum goes into care, I could receive a large inheritance from her. If that happens, I'd probably buy a better home before we sold our present one. I'd see that as a joint thing.

With us, everything has always gone into the pot. We are older now so I make sure that out of this, equal amounts go into pensions. I have some final salary pension but this will be shared.
In your shoes, proper propionate contribution is the way to go, and you should be equalising pension contributions.

Every single joint expense comes out of a joint pot. All childcare, food, bills etc. We have our own responsibilities for finding cheaper providers etc, but the spend is joint.

I own my car, so pay for servicing and MOT (always cheap), but fuel is joint.

We have a joint savings pot, but we both have different savings and investment approaches, so we keep them separate for our own sanity.

What happens when you retire. He has his fat pension you have the state pension?

@Billydavey squirrelling away is other savings - S&S for example pension is separate

I think this is sort of my issue. It's always very subtle but there are hints of if I can afford to save or pay pension I can afford to pay XYZ for example. Again, subtle and nothing he's trying to 'forcibly action' but more just little digs here and there... I feel like I almost have to not tell him if I am saving money.

This - tell him the reason you earn less is because of all the housework and childcare it is either 50/50 across the board, he stops moaning about it or you will work out exactly the percentage of housework and childcare he does and have the financial side reflect that (which to be honest it should) or everything in one pot and equal spends

tje choice is his - what won’t be happening is you contributing 50% finances and a much higher percentage of everything else

Oh and just to add I'm saving & pension a large monthly amount at the moment to play catch up where I was part time with kids etc, as to not rely on him if anything were to happen longer term.

Let me guess. You have about £200 a month which you could spend on yourself. He has about three times that amount.

@debauchedsloth I honestly don't know how much he spends on himself

A point that the advocates of 'splitting finances by percentages' always seem to miss.

Person A earns £1500 pm and Person B earns £3000 per month. Household expenses are £3000 per month so Person A pays one third or £1000 and has £500 left while Person B pays two thirds or £2000 and has £1000 left.

Person B has twice as much money to save or spend on themselves as Person A, who spends half their money on the DC anyway because they also do the lion's share of childcare, grocery shopping, top up shopping and everything else in the household so while they work less, they also have less free time and far less money to spend on themselves.

We just share all of our money, I earned more for years now he does but still the same, all in the joint account and then we just pay stuff and spend however we want.

Sitting working out proportionately who pays for what based on who earns what just sounds like flatmates to me not partners, I can’t imagine wanting to have sex with someone who wants to sit down and work out what percentage of the mortgage I have to pay!

My husband earns a good bit more than me but both salaries go into the joint account and all expenses come out. We have joint savings too. He has never once in his life questioned what I spend, nor have I.

Paid into person accounts then both keep the same £X level of ‘fun’ money regardless of income and the rest goes to the joint account and joint savings.
The money in our personal account is just for things like beauty treatments, coffees, gifts etc.

Married 25 years, one child. Have had one pot for the whole time. Who has earned more has varied over that time, but generally me. For us the point of marriage was to pool resources. I see you are not married, so have not made that choice, and therefore it is more complicated I think. What would you do if one of you was unable to work, would you support them?

We'll he relied on you for childcare...do you reckon he has a plan for paying for childcare if something hasn't happened to you? It bet he's got that covered with life insurance if you.

I'd say he's certainly thought through the scenarios and made sure he'll be okay

It must hurt op - but he's selfish

Never ever understand these couples with kids and he's happy for her to struggle whilst sitting on large sums of ££.
That's not a marriage or partnership.