How do you split finances?

[snacktimehelp]

Something my partner and I never seem to see eye to eye on is finances. (Not bad enough to split, but bad enough we bicker from time to time).

We’ve got 2 DC, and I was part time when they were small, and I’m also 8 years younger than DP so was earning less when we met anyway due to less time in career etc. These 2 things mean I earn a fair bit less than DP.

He did make a few career choices in recent years which mean he was earning less (still more than me) and he also has essentially been ‘squirrelling away’ a large amount of his wages for the last year or 2, meaning the net take home is less.

I earn okay now, we both work full time. We both also freelance on the side. I’d say on average my take home (if he didn’t squirrel away any!) is around half of his.

If relevant, this ‘squirrelling away’ means he has a much bigger pension and savings than I, especially as he was able to put chunks into his pension around the time we met.

We aren’t married, but are thinking about it soon. (Please no comments on the lack of security here - I know!)

Anyway I think that’s all the background. We own our house 50/50 as joint tenants and the bill split is roughly the following:

DP:
Mortgage
Sky
Utilities and council tax
Mostly covers holidays and big expenses (like when we had the downstairs painted for example)
He has older DC so also pays maintenance

Me:
Food
Car
Subscriptions/insurances
Wrap around care/extra curricular
Phone bill (both of ours)
Kids bits like clothes, parties etc
Cleaner

This makes the split approx 60/40 ish (him 60 me 40). Which I think given our income is reasonable. I also pick up most of the life admin / house work, though he is quite hands on with the kids, will take them to school etc etc, has them when I have to occasionally work away.

Why we bicker:
He thinks we should be 50:50. I don’t think this is reasonable considering our earnings and the extra ‘mental load’ I pick up.

He seems to think the norm is 50:50 (which I’d do if he picked up the extra mental load lol but he won’t) and can’t understand why a more proportionate split is fair.

Just curious, is it more common for proportionate or 50:50?

Once you add holidays it probably tips closer to 70/30 but we haven’t been away in a year - although hopefully soon need a holiday 😅

Not married. Two DCs. I am the higher earner by around £10k. Joint pot for ALL joint expenses based on % share of our individual salary.
Joint pot pays into my pension the difference between me being PT and FT at work.
Additional pension contributions and other saving pots come from personal spends.

I actually hadn't thought of this! Wise words.

DH earns three times as much as I do, he's in a lucrative industry and I went part time after having DDs. We have a joint account and all of our money is pooled together. We have the same amount transferred out of the joint account into our own personal accounts for our own 'fun money'.

Before we were married, everything was proportional. DH earned twice as much as me then so he paid two thirds of all the bills and I paid one third.

But grocery shopping, top up shopping and kids activities and clothes are a JOINT expense. Whether a partner pulls their weight or not with regard to household chores or parenting is a separate conversation.

If the cost of life together ie properties, direct debit bills, groceries, annual holidays fund etc costs estimated £8k/mth, then £4k/mth each into the joint account is a done deal.

Individual cars, savings, hobbies, clothes, anything else from your sole accounts with no discussions or agreements required.

We’ve never really said to each other what we earn or have in savings, there’s no need as we’re not married.

So long as we reliably chuck in the agreed amount by standing order on the 1st of each month, that’s the start and the end of it.

Each year we’ll have a chat in March to agree if the amounts we both put in need to change up or down and update standing orders as appropriate.

Can’t think of a fairer way of doing it.

This I am pleased to see. Don't let him stop you paying your pension. If he wants stuff paid he pays it and if need be drops HIS pe sion as you have supported him to top it up over the years.

I wouldn't tell him how much savings you have either... he will likely find an 'urgent use' for it!