Mothers who allow their children to be abused can they still be good people?

[Jencreek]

I can’t stop thinking about this. Can a mother who allows her children to be abused still be a good mother?

I was 11 when my mother got into a relationship with a random man she met. She let me go in his car with him “shopping” where he’d pull into a lay-by and abuse me. Did she not think it was odd he would want to take me out on his own without her? I could put this down to naivety however once he got naked into bed with me and I screamed the house down. She said she wouldn’t let him come to the house for a while.

This man was always picking me up from school and driving off with me. Did she not think this was inappropriate and wonder what he was getting out of it? He’d come into my room while she was in the next room and molest me. I had 2 brothers. He never asked to take them shopping or anywhere else so surely it was obvious he was interested in just me.

Im now 28 and since giving birth to my daughter 6 weeks ago it’s all I can think about. I know I need to get counselling. I see my mum every week. We never talk about my childhood. She is a “normal” person, loving grandmother etc but I can’t reconcile this version of her with the mother I had who put me in theses dangerous situations and allowed a man she barely knew to abuse me.

She was 17 when she had me after she was groomed by a much older man. She had a dysfunctional family. She married the first man who asked her who turned out to be a waste of space, beat her up and left her with another 2 children. She had 3 children by the age of 24. I don’t think this justifies her behaviour but I wonder if it explains why she didn’t protect me?

Meant to see my mother today but after being awake all night thinking about this I don’t know how I’m meant to sit there eating cake and having a coffee when all these memories are bubbling up.

It’s intergenerational trauma. To have been groomed into a relationship with a much older man at 17, it wouldn’t surprise me if she was also abused herself. She created a life for her children that felt safe and normal - even when it very much was not. Cognitively she knows it was not right, but likely her brain cannot compute it happening on her watch.

My family is very similar. Abused as a child, not sure anyone knew, but certainly when I told my mum as an adult, she didn’t seem to really care or understand why it would bother me. She, in her later years, went on to marry a man who is a convicted paedophile, convicted before they met, but has offended with other children since they have been together. She has very good stories about why it was all okay and not a big deal and not what it seems, even while admitting he did what he is accused of. I think for her there is too much trauma buried too long that she cannot put the pieces together to make them look like they look to all the rest of us.

Now on to your question, can someone like this be a good person? I think my mum is probably to other people a ‘good’ person. She is helpful and generous and friendly and very well liked. Do I think she is safe around children? No, because she can’t see danger that the rest of us so obviously see. It’s been groomed out of her and normalising abuse is her default position. Because of that, well and more, we are NC and she will never be allowed around my children.

I will say that while having children of your own does bring all this shit bubbling up, it’s also an incredibly empowering opportunity to say, nope, this shit stops with me. I’m not a perfect parent by any means, but my children will always be safe with me. I will always have the hard conversations. I will always protect them. It’s about becoming the person you needed as a parent and, with the right support (and I highly recommend therapy), it can be very healing.

Would you trust your mother look after your daughter for a weekend?

I think that’s your answer.

I could put this down to naivety however once he got naked into bed with me and I screamed the house down. She said she wouldn’t let him come to the house for a while.

From the OP first post, so I'm going to say yes she did and still allowed him back into her home where her vulnerable daughter lived.

You did it because you were so so young and your brain or your emotions were not developed enough.

What should have happened in that moment after you said no was your mum should have said something like. I’m going to ask you a question and no matter what the answer is I am going to believe you and protect you because I love you and NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT OK. Is xxx touching you or making you feel weird or uncomfortable? Then she should have taken action and made sure you were safe from then on and showed you with everything she had that she loved you and that everything was going to be okay.

it’s only now you are an adult that you can look back and understand the situation you were in properly but you look back now you are an adult and can’t see the truth of actually what it was like being that age developmentally and emotionally so you unconsciously judge your actions.
that little girl deserves you to show her love and sympathy in the same way you would if your own child was that age.

none of this is on you. All of it is on the adults who were around you in that time.

I know all this because I am 20 years on from you and have had therapy to understand the insidious damage that childhood sexual abuse causes.
Infact today is the date I disclosed my own abuse. I’m not trying to compare just sharing to show you aren’t alone.

its up to you what you want to do next but my advice is to go to the gp and also to look for trauma support services in your area and call them. Once you have a safe place to talk then you can decide what comes next.

as for reporting to the police. Yes just get in touch and give them as much information as you have. They will ask questions. I can’t tell you what will come of it or even if that is what is right for you but don’t ever think that you shouldn’t because it was so long ago or you only know his name and the town etc.

goodluck @Jencreek you deserved and still deserve better than this my lovely.

But if you let this woman care for your child, then you might be putting her in that situation as do you really trust her to protect your daughter? After all, she never protected you.

The fact you say she is emotionally immature and aren't even able to discuss what happened (I mean, has she ever even apologised for what happened?!) speaks volumes.I think her behaviour was unforgivable personally and certainly wasn't that of a loving mother, but if she had changed that much she would have been full of apology remorse and shame long before now.