Mothers who allow their children to be abused can they still be good people?

[Jencreek]

I can’t stop thinking about this. Can a mother who allows her children to be abused still be a good mother?

I was 11 when my mother got into a relationship with a random man she met. She let me go in his car with him “shopping” where he’d pull into a lay-by and abuse me. Did she not think it was odd he would want to take me out on his own without her? I could put this down to naivety however once he got naked into bed with me and I screamed the house down. She said she wouldn’t let him come to the house for a while.

This man was always picking me up from school and driving off with me. Did she not think this was inappropriate and wonder what he was getting out of it? He’d come into my room while she was in the next room and molest me. I had 2 brothers. He never asked to take them shopping or anywhere else so surely it was obvious he was interested in just me.

Im now 28 and since giving birth to my daughter 6 weeks ago it’s all I can think about. I know I need to get counselling. I see my mum every week. We never talk about my childhood. She is a “normal” person, loving grandmother etc but I can’t reconcile this version of her with the mother I had who put me in theses dangerous situations and allowed a man she barely knew to abuse me.

She was 17 when she had me after she was groomed by a much older man. She had a dysfunctional family. She married the first man who asked her who turned out to be a waste of space, beat her up and left her with another 2 children. She had 3 children by the age of 24. I don’t think this justifies her behaviour but I wonder if it explains why she didn’t protect me?

Meant to see my mother today but after being awake all night thinking about this I don’t know how I’m meant to sit there eating cake and having a coffee when all these memories are bubbling up.

Oh my good lord..She was deeply deeply neglectful. Am so sorry. I hope you can find some help in therapy.
I would find that hard to forgive but then I had really great parents.

You urgently need counselling. She should have protected you at all costs.

The picture that you paint of your Mother explains so many reasons why you found yourself in the situations that you did, without her to protect you. Having counselling is the best thing that you can do for yourself.

This happens to you so recently aswell. It wasn’t like it was the 70’s or something. She would’ve seen major cases in the press and should have been safeguarding you.

I’m so sorry you went through this and she let you down so badly.

Re being a “good person” - what if there was no such thing as people being good or bad? They’re simply people who make good or bad choices. I think the intention behind the choices matters enormously. She made bad choices about allowing this man to access you. But, do you think she was fully aware and let it happen anyway? Or was naive enough to think that he wouldn’t do bad things to you?

Best wishes OP, that’s a huge burden you carry. X

No it's not ok, I'm sorry op ☹️ It's not uncommon at all for your relationship with and feelings towards your own parents to change when you have children of your own. You really should find someone to talk this through with.

Your mother's back story - no it's not an excuse, but it does sound like part of an explanation. She did the best she knew how to at the time. In my opinion that's still not good enough, plenty of people have difficult upbringings and circumstances and would never have allowed this. But what is really relevant now is what kind of relationship you want with her, and how to reconcile your valid feelings with the person she is now. Which hopefully some therapy can help you explore.

Congratulations on your daughter! x

There are men out there who will target vulnerable women with young children to get into a relationship with, for obvious reasons. That is why children should never be introduced, or given access to new partners straight away. Children are so vulnerable.

Came in to say your title is quite upsetting op. My dc was abused... I certainly didn't 'allow' it..
Sorry your childhood was awful.

I can't directly answer your question but I can say that I had my dd in my teens and she's only a little younger than you. I knew to safeguard her and not have her in situations like this, where she would be vulnerable to abuse.

I'm not sure if that's helpful to know or not. I just think her age is no defense.

You might need some space from her while you work through what happened. You're not responsible for managing her feelings about it. You don't owe her that.

I'm so sorry OP. I really hope you can get a good counsellor to help you through this. While there may be explanations for your mother's neglect like her own upbringing and naivety they certainly aren't excuses. It can be simultaneously true that she was groomed and a victim of abuse herself, and that she also severely failed you as a parent by not protecting you from abuse. It's not as black and white as good and bad people, I don't think that's a helpful way to think of it. But she did fail in her basic duty as a parent and it's absolutely valid for you to recognise that.

Yes. She failed in her basic duty

To be fair to the OP the title of her thread literally says Mothers who ALLOW their children to be abused. I think it's very clear that she isn't talking about situations where the mother didn't know about the abuse or where the mother was unable to stop it.

I am so sorry for what you and your children have gone through.

there can be several schools of thought over this
firstly women who allow or abuse it can be because of abuse themselves. they could be being abused physically or sexually or mentally by the man who is abusing the child so could allow it to happen through fear
secondly ignorance if the person has a very naive view of things then they may be ignorant of what is happening to the child though it can seem incredible these days with all the newspaper reports tv etc. you could excuse if they cannot read or are kept isolated such as the above person
thirdly the person gets a perverted pleasure from sharing the abuser with someone else. sounds awful but there are people who do get pleasure from knowing there child are being abused
personally your mum sounds like she had a crap life BUT saying that you would assume she would fight like mad with every inch of her being to ensure her kids were safe and care for. obviously instead she put her needs first ie getting a partner rather than being selective about someone to share life with taking the first one who came along, then when she had an untrustworthy partner held on to him instead of going it alone
i personally would push for counselling even if you had to pay as it is clear having a child has brought it all to the fore for you

Having our own child can really bring all that stuff we buried out. Since having my own children I definitely found that I was less understanding of my mother. With my own I experience a really strong need to protect them and keep them safe. So I struggled to understand why my own mother didn’t ever protect me. I think what you’re going through is normal for someone who experienced CA having a child.

I can see why your mother failed you, but that doesn’t make it okay. You were still hurt by all the harm done to you. I don’t know if your relationship with your mother will ever recover from this. But honestly the focus needs to be on healing yourself and being the one to break the cycle of abuse.

Congratulations on your baby OP enjoy having a gorgeous baby to cuddle and love.

No.

And I'd really reconsider how much contact there is between her and your children. You need to heal, and the abuse cycle needs to end with you, and from experience - that's really tough.

Congratulations on your daughter.

I never say go NC but I would distance myself from her until you have had a chance to process all this. You have clearly buried it, as anyone would do

I think you need to talk to her.

She wasn't a good enough mother.
Probably because she was a damaged and weak person, but that's not an excuse. She should have protected you.

She was deeply neglectful, I'm so sorry you went through that.

It was when I had my eldest that I realised just how horrendous my childhood was and the scales really fall away.

I would get some therapy to deal with it, because as your child grows it will only make this feel worse.

At some point, this will have to be done. The OP has not stated whether she has tried to talk about it, to her Mother.

Her backstory is an explanation but it isnt an excuse. You should have counselling before you discuss this with her, and if you do decide you want to discuss with her, do it at a time when you are less emotionally vulnerable. You need to look after yourself and your baby right now.

I think she must know this is coming, op.

When I had dd, questions about my childhood really became unavoidable, I completely understand.

And I'm really sorry that this happened to you! You didn't deserve this, and although her life explains things it doesn't justify things. You did not deserve that.

I think i would make two things a priority:

1. Raising, being soft and enjoying your new baby!
2. Getting yourself on the waiting list for therapy, and protecting yourself from anything that will harm your enjoyment of your baby.

Are you with the baby's dad, or are you doing it solo? What about friends? Who is your support system outside of your mum? It's ok not to have one, I didn't, but its good to get some things organised, so you can deal with what you're understandably feeling.

Can you tell your mum you just need a bit of space as you're a little tired, and cancel your visit today?

Once you've got everything 'organised', it's definitely time to sort out what's happening inside of you, and your feelings about what has happened. It might help to write a list of every time these events happened, so you're clear in your mind as to how to talk about it. Then you can decide how to move forward with her.

Thankyou for all your replies. There is no way I could talk to my mother about this, absolutely no way. We don’t have that sort of relationship. I now realise she is emotionally immature. Growing up we never spoke about feelings, there was never any physical contact like hugs. She told me recently this was because I don’t like affection!!

We moved area so I never saw this man again. She did get into another relationship with a man straight after but luckily for me no abuse.

I think my mother is deeply damaged. However as a result of her so am I. And yet I would never allow my daughter to be put in these situations. Never. I am loving and affectionate with my baby and she is my world. I wonder why my own mother never felt like this about me.

No she wasn't a good mother, but her background explains why she was not the mother you needed and deserved as a child.

You sound like an intelligent, reflective and loving mother who will be able to break this cycle of generational abuse with your parenting of your own children.

Congratulations on your new baby.

Becoming a mother has triggered an instinct in you to be a good parent and protect your DC. This has obviously brought the abuse to the surface and led you (quite rightly) to question how you were parented.

Please seek out counselling and know that you will be an amazing mother to your child. Your mother has some serious questions to answer but right now what is important is outting you and your baby first. Do what it takes even if that means avoiding and upsetting your mother.