Mothers who allow their children to be abused can they still be good people?

[Jencreek]

I can’t stop thinking about this. Can a mother who allows her children to be abused still be a good mother?

I was 11 when my mother got into a relationship with a random man she met. She let me go in his car with him “shopping” where he’d pull into a lay-by and abuse me. Did she not think it was odd he would want to take me out on his own without her? I could put this down to naivety however once he got naked into bed with me and I screamed the house down. She said she wouldn’t let him come to the house for a while.

This man was always picking me up from school and driving off with me. Did she not think this was inappropriate and wonder what he was getting out of it? He’d come into my room while she was in the next room and molest me. I had 2 brothers. He never asked to take them shopping or anywhere else so surely it was obvious he was interested in just me.

Im now 28 and since giving birth to my daughter 6 weeks ago it’s all I can think about. I know I need to get counselling. I see my mum every week. We never talk about my childhood. She is a “normal” person, loving grandmother etc but I can’t reconcile this version of her with the mother I had who put me in theses dangerous situations and allowed a man she barely knew to abuse me.

She was 17 when she had me after she was groomed by a much older man. She had a dysfunctional family. She married the first man who asked her who turned out to be a waste of space, beat her up and left her with another 2 children. She had 3 children by the age of 24. I don’t think this justifies her behaviour but I wonder if it explains why she didn’t protect me?

Meant to see my mother today but after being awake all night thinking about this I don’t know how I’m meant to sit there eating cake and having a coffee when all these memories are bubbling up.

I can categorically tell you that if this woman knew what was going on THAT SHE IS NOT A GOOD PERSON.

Do not be fooled - now I cannot even put myself in her shoes - this is absolutely appalling from her and she does not deserve the title of mother.

My heart goes out to you - I would urge you to confront her even if by text message - you should not let her get away with such a crime.

I refuse to believe she didn’t know! I’d spot anything unusual like this a mile off! She knew - she had to

Because she has a proven history of poor decision making and being unable to safeguard a child appropriately.

Op

I can guarantee that this man has done this to multiple other children too

No they cannot , and do not leave this woman alone at any time with any children of any age . I’m surprised you still speak to her quite frankly .

If you refused to leave your child there then your mother would absolutely understand why

She relies on your silence

You don’t have to kick up a fuss but you can let her know that you can’t sweep this under the carpet any longer

No, she was a bad mother and remains a bad person, who is refusing to allow you any closure by failing to acknowledge and discuss your childhood abuse.

I would get some therapy and put distance between myself and her. I would tell her that you can’t be close to her; you’ve realised the extent to which she simply allowed you to be harmed as a child - a good person will do everything they possibly can to protect their children. And she was complicit, by her silence and inaction. She won’t face the harm she’s done because it suits her to pretend she never let it happen. I’m sorry Op, and wish you the best as you raise the own children

Great post by @CoffeeCueen

it’s not just about now when your baby is tiny it’s about the future as the children grow up and you have more.

You have no idea who she would allow your child to have contact with. You could come to pick your child/ren one day and find out that a friend has been visiting regularly and has been playing with them without supervision and without you knowing or that she has been letting the child/ren go round to the neighbours garden to play or she has taken them out and didn’t notice them wandering off out of sight and on and on with other examples.

she doesn’t have the capability or the want to think about the possibility that she doesn’t actually know if someone is a predator.

she has shown that even living everyday under the same roof she was unable and unwilling to put the correct boundaries and safeguards in place to protect you so she absolutely won’t when it comes to your children either.

we’re not saying this to scare you but for you to realise that you have to be responsible for their safety because you know through your own personal horrendous experience that she won’t.
its hard because you love her and you want to trust her but you have to ignore that when it comes to your children because you love them more and they must and always have to come first even when that potentially upsets your mother.

She abused you by ignoring the abuse. She shouldn’t be having contact with your children. She didn’t safeguard you, she won’t them either.

you’d never forgive her or yourself if she hurt your children like that. Don’t give her the chance

also report this abuse to the police. The man in question can still be arrested and is probably out there still committing crimes

I think the first thing is to access counselling to come to terms with what happened to you. A good therapist will help you work out your feelings towards your mum and help you think about any boundaries you want to put in place with her.

Its very easy for people on here to say go no contact, don’t leave your child with her etc but it sounds like you’re very early in your process of thinking about your relationship with your mum. It’s fair to think you need time to work out what her part in it was and how she is now - people are complex and they grow and change. You might decide to pull back from her, you might decide she can see your child with you present, you might decide something entirely different. Let those decisions be your own, after you’ve had time and support - not the result of mumsnet group think. Otherwise you run the risk of not owning your own process, and feeling unsure about the decisions you make and why.

if she wants to report that’s fine but putting it on the op that he may be abusing others is absolutely not ok at all. It is not her responsibility to stop this person. She is the victim, not the perpetrator. Asking someone to report is not ok at all. Have you ever tried to do that? Any idea of how far it actually goes and how you are treated? The justice system causes far more trauma for victims than anything else. Think before you dish out this advice.

But in OPs case her mother allowed her to be abused. She did not protect her vulnerable child. She neglected her duty as a parent.

your upset about your own case is separate to this. Op shouldn’t have to modify her story to make you feel more comfortable. Sorry for what you’ve been through but it’s absolutely vital that we are allowed to speak about these awful things

Because your mother has shown herself not to be capable of making appropriate safeguarding decisions or making safe judgements about men. Just as you wouldn’t let her drive your child around if she didn’t have a driving licence, you shouldn’t leave your child with her in situations where she might have to make safeguarding decisions.

What’s her partner like? Do you have a positive gut feeling about him?

So sorry you went through this op xx

I don't think her being a young mum justifies it either I was even younger when I became a mum and would never leave my daughter alone with a random man like that neither would my friends who were also young mums

Congratulations on your baby xx

Well this thread isn't about you then, is it? It's about mother's who know and allow their children to be abused.

Cancel your mum today, please don't feel you have to sit there eating cake and squashing down everything you're feeling. You've got so many hormones right now, you need to just take care of yourself. Give yourself permission to not see her.

I don't think she is a good person. It's complicated with her background. She definitely should have protected you. She could have got you help or therapy when she got her life together. But refusing to talk about it lets her have her own narrative about it. Please take time to get counselling. I'm so sorry this happened to you

Well this is part of your responsibility as a mother: to protect your children. Your mother's poor judgement resulted in you being abused. You cannot be sure that her judgement is now improved enough that she can safely be in charge of your child.

This sort of demonstrates how these situations sometimes arise. Your sense of normality and what's acceptable is based in part on your experiences and upbringing. So was your mum's. She had a "dysfunctional" childhood, was groomed by an older man and had you when she was a child herself and was then abused for years. She was not equipped with the skills to safeguard you. And whilst you recognise the abuse that was perpetrated against you, there are almost certainly things during your own dysfunctional childhood that became normalised that shouldn't have. The idea of leaving your mum (who knowingly gave a paedophile repeated access to you) and her partner (a male of your mother's choosing who is unrelated to your child) unsupervised access to your baby should be completely out of the question, but you're wondering what the problem is with it.

I think you need lots of therapy, ASAP. I think it's probably wise to take a step back from your mum while you figure things out if contact with her is distressing you. And absolutely 100% no unsupervised contact with the baby.

I agree with every word of this. A great explanation

Ok yes I understand now what you all mean about not leaving my baby with her. My mother has only ever seen her granddaughter with me present and I will definitely never leave her alone with her.

Her partner seems ok, he is very nice has helped my DH when we’ve had problems with our car etc but I know I should be wary of him and will continue to be so.

I have thought about reporting the abuser to the police but I only have his name and the town where he lived at the time. Is this enough if will the police want more information? I feel so angry with him. He obviously targeted a single young mother with children and especially a mother with a young daughter.

What is so hard to digest is my mother seems “normal” she is like by everyone comes across as kind and caring and I think in her own way loves me. But I can’t forget what she did. A few months after we moved she asked me whilst watching tv together if I knew what “sexual abuse” was so she’d obviously been thinking about it.

To my shame I said no. Why did I do that? But it’s always felt like I’ve had to protect her, my whole life. I wish I’d said yes.

You can still say yes and have that conversation with her, but it doesn't have to be now. Don't feel angry with yourself, you have done nothing wrong. She has.

I never said it was mandatory that she did or that she had any responsibility to or for others, you said that.

many people are unaware that historical sex abuse can still be reported. I was not wrong to point out that the OP can still make a report to the police.

She clearly has no boundaries where children are concerned. And it certainly doesn't matter if she's in a "stable relationship" now. Her choice of male partners leaves a lot to be desired.

I was also sexually abused as a child, for many years. My mother was very neglectful and as far as I am concerned allowed the abuse to happen. She was a social worker, she definitely knew better but was too selfish to protect me, her daughter. I never trusted her with my children and eventually cut all contact.

Please do not leave your baby with her. Protect her at all costs, please!

A few months after we moved she asked me whilst watching tv together if I knew what “sexual abuse” was so she’d obviously been thinking about it.
To my shame I said no. Why did I do that? But it’s always felt like I’ve had to protect her, my whole life. I wish I’d said yes.

I think give yourself some grace here, she asked you out of nowhere and you gave an automatic response. Would she have been able to have a safe, reflective conversation about it. Would she have been able to centre you and your needs in that conversation. I suspect not, I’d think of it as your subconscious protecting you from a potentially damaging conversation with her.

Does your mum know what happened?

That is a good, complicated question! I cannot fathom how that Anna Duggar has not divorced her child molesting, pedophile husband Josh Duggar. I mean, he's sitting in jail for the next decade. How she chooses to stay & possibly put her 7 kids at risk is beyond me....