Mothers who allow their children to be abused can they still be good people?

[Jencreek]

I can’t stop thinking about this. Can a mother who allows her children to be abused still be a good mother?

I was 11 when my mother got into a relationship with a random man she met. She let me go in his car with him “shopping” where he’d pull into a lay-by and abuse me. Did she not think it was odd he would want to take me out on his own without her? I could put this down to naivety however once he got naked into bed with me and I screamed the house down. She said she wouldn’t let him come to the house for a while.

This man was always picking me up from school and driving off with me. Did she not think this was inappropriate and wonder what he was getting out of it? He’d come into my room while she was in the next room and molest me. I had 2 brothers. He never asked to take them shopping or anywhere else so surely it was obvious he was interested in just me.

Im now 28 and since giving birth to my daughter 6 weeks ago it’s all I can think about. I know I need to get counselling. I see my mum every week. We never talk about my childhood. She is a “normal” person, loving grandmother etc but I can’t reconcile this version of her with the mother I had who put me in theses dangerous situations and allowed a man she barely knew to abuse me.

She was 17 when she had me after she was groomed by a much older man. She had a dysfunctional family. She married the first man who asked her who turned out to be a waste of space, beat her up and left her with another 2 children. She had 3 children by the age of 24. I don’t think this justifies her behaviour but I wonder if it explains why she didn’t protect me?

Meant to see my mother today but after being awake all night thinking about this I don’t know how I’m meant to sit there eating cake and having a coffee when all these memories are bubbling up.

Your mother was a terrible mother and you will probably feel the need to have it out with her at some point, though now may not be the right time.

She probably thought her own life that was "normal" rather then the reality being very very far from that indeed. Sadly abuse tends to cycle you don't know any different therefore everyone must have some element. I'm definitely not making excuses for your mothers neglect or lack of action against abhorrent abuse.

She didn't protect you when she should have.

There are charities which can offer you support and counselling and it's going to be tough but you have taken the hardest step already in recognising and acknowledging it.

Your daughter has a very strong mummy fighting her corner.

I think it’s really complicated - if a woman can’t protect herself realistically she’s going to struggle to protect anyone else, including her children. The whole dynamic around grooming is a complete head fuck, designed to make you trust someone when all the objective evidence tells you they’re dangerous. And once you’ve been groomed it can be harder to spot the signs in future so the process continues. It takes really working on yourself to break that pattern and most women in abusive situations don’t have the resources to do that without significant outside help.

Yes your mum should have protected you, and I’m really sorry she didn’t - there are many things in her background that would have really undermined her capacity as a parent.

Don't listen to anything she tells you about how you are, these are all projections of who she is. Her telling you that you weren't affectionate is a prime example of this. My Mum does similar to this and I have learnt to say that so is she but it has taken me a long time to do this. I am so sorry for all you went through OP, she should have protected you. You were neglected and abused as a child. It sounds like you are working hard to change the cycle though. Good luck to you.

I think her upbringing goes some way towards explaining the naivety your mother had towards your abuse, she perhaps (extremely wrongly) saw it as a “normal” situation at the time. But it absolutely in no way excuses it. There was enough awareness of these situations by the time this would have happened to you for her to know it wasn’t normal and that it was horrific. I’m so sorry that the person who should have protected you turned a blind eye out of desperation to be in a “relationship”.

I hope you manage to find a therapist who can help you work through this. And I would suggest at some point you should also have therapy together with your mother. I also wouldn’t EVER allow your mother to have contact with your child without you present.

I was witness to a court case several years ago; abusive man, abused sexually and with violence, both mother and daughter. Mother was clearly unable to break the cycle over a long period of time.
I did judge mother harshly as she absolutely knew he was abusing her daughter , yet did nothing.
I realise that’s a black and white view on my part, as clearly the mum was a victim too, but I can well understand your anger and hurt at your own mum’s inaction.
As others have suggested, counselling may help you, if only to accept that your mums failings do not reflect on you.

Sounds like your daughter is in safe hands.

Oh OP, i really find it sad that you are even asking that :( Of course a mother who allows abuse can never be called a good parent! It's concerning you don't realise that and she has clearly conditioned you to minimise what she did.

When you have a baby, it highlights alot of the discrepancies in your own experience of being parented...I had generally a really positive upbringing but still found that to be the case somewhat.

I couldn't continue contact with someone like that, what she did was absolutely inexcusable and unforgivable.
You definitely need some therapy, but whatever you decide please make sure your mother is never allowed to care for your child without you or another protective adult there too.

It sounds like your mother was likely a victim of sexual abuse too but that was no excuse for her to allow it to happen to her own child.....I'm so sorry you went through what you did.

When women stay with men who do this and are aware the man is doing it (as she was) then they are not only allowing it but taking an active part in facilitating it.

I would speak to your GP op, they can arrange priority counselling for you. Personally I would not be leaving my children on their own with her or unsupervised in any circumstances.

Upon psychological evaluation, many women in this situation had issues with their own (often absent/neglectful) father and as a result feel they need to prioritise the relationship with the male, at all costs. This is not your issue to solve OP, concentrate on yourself and your baby, but yes counselling might be useful. You were gravely let down by your mother and it might help to talk about this with someone.
I had to do a course regarding DV (within the context of working with dc who have lived through DV) and what surprised/shocked me was how the role of the mother in protecting her children was very minimised. It was very much 'it's not her fault, it's the consequences of the DV etc etc' and the facilitator said that there was a chapter in the Freedom programme that specifically deals with the impacts on children, but she doesn't like to do that as it's upsetting for the women. Whilst I understand this, I think this is a disservice to both the women and children. According to the research, many women in abusive relationships either go back to the abuser, or get into other relationships that become abusive, so surely this potentially upsetting chapter should be taught, in order to hopefully reduce the pattern of abuse.

I had to do a course regarding DV (within the context of working with dc who have lived through DV) and what surprised/shocked me was how the role of the mother in protecting her children was very minimised. It was very much 'it's not her fault, it's the consequences of the DV etc etc' and the facilitator said that there was a chapter in the Freedom programme that specifically deals with the impacts on children, but she doesn't like to do that as it's upsetting for the women.

Safe and Together is an excellent model for working with domestic abuse in that it recognises the importance of mum being in a position to protect her children and the many, often counterintuitive, ways that they do so in the context of domestic abuse.

The capacity of someone to protect their kids when they are being abused is massively diminished and generally the narrative ends up blaming the woman for the actions of her partner.

This. I was shocked to read how recently this was ,same age as my children .This is , absolutely shocking and was definitely not common for the late 90s as the 70s when I-was a child…luckily I was never exposed to any of this type of abuse even then.
Have you ever considered talking to your Mother about what happened? Maybe she really was just pig ignorant or she was aware and just ignored the red flags ,her reaction will give you a good idea ! Am so sorry and really shocked this happened to you.

Interested as to why you 'never say no contact'?

I’m so sorry for why you have been through. I can’t imagine the trauma you have suffered from this.

Your mum is the definition of a bad mother, sorry OP. I wouldn’t let her near my child and I would be telling her exactly why. She failed to protect you, which is the very basic requirement of a parent. I don’t buy she didn’t suspect anything.

Why don’t she call the police after he got into bed with you naked? Not a good mother.

She said she wouldn’t let him come to the house for a while.

She was neglectful and very selfish. By not letting him come to the house for a while is basically saying my needs and happiness come before yours.

'Thankyou for all your replies. There is no way I could talk to my mother about this, absolutely no way. We don’t have that sort of relationship. I now realise she is emotionally immature. Growing up we never spoke about feelings, there was never any physical contact like hugs. She told me recently this was because I don’t like affection!!'

I completely understand why you are adamant about never speaking to her about this, and I think you should continue to trust your gut. Your mother was not able to see you as a separate person from her and to keep you safe, and it sounds like nothing has changed in that regard. You know that you would never get what you need from her emotionally, and how intensely painful it would be to even try. That shows a HUGE amount of emotional intelligence and self-, preservation and you should be so proud of that

Your mother has let you down so badly, put you in harms way and continues to minimise your feelings. Yes, she has her reasons for all of that, but it doesn't lessen the effect on you. I wish you nothing but peace for the future. Therapy is absolutely the way forward for you, and you may over time reconsider the role that your mother has in your life

OP I'm so sorry about what happened to you and that you are having to deal with it.

You might find it helpful to give https://napac.org.uk/ a call.

I had a similar experience. I tried to see my Mum but have recently decided to go no contact and I feel so much better. I can never forgive for the neglect and would never trust her with my own DC now. I do at times feel guilty but as soon as I had my own DC it emphasised to me how much she’d let me down.
Easier said than done I know sorry OP x

Agree with this.
It goes without saying but you must never allow your mum to see your children unsupervised. You can't trust her judgement and if she didn't protect her own child she sure isn't going to protect yours.

Put yourself and your baby first and distance yourself while you work through it in your own time

Yes please, with a therapist specialized in childhood trauma who knows what she is doing.
And you need to keep your contact with her to the bare minimum or even go full on "no contact" in the meantime. You need to be able to function as a mother and being in contact with her will make it impossible.
Whether she is able to be a good person or not is not a question you should be focusing on at all right now.

I’ve had a lot of therapy for similar though not the same. My mother was a victim herself but I learned that whatever her position, it didn’t change the impact on me. So even if she meant well or didn’t know or couldn’t cope, the consequences still aren’t changed. I was still abused. You were still abused. And you deserve help. You deserve to feel all you feel and that includes being angry with your mum and holding her accountable for her actions or inaction.
For me, we became estranged. I understand why she did what she did and acted how she did but she didn’t protect me and she blamed me and she shamed me. Those things, I can forgive because I love her, but I cannot move on with her in my life. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

Get some help. Take the time.

My mother said similar about me not being tactile. But it was her not me.
Your mother needs help herself. Maybe if she did and changed and after you’ve worked through your own issues, there’s a chance of a relationship but until then, I think distance. And therapy.

I understand how you feel. I was abused but it wasn't family and it wasn't in the home. It happened because I was left to my own devices by a mother who was working full time and then going to the pub with her husband. My brother's were sent to my dad's to live because she 'couldn't cope with them.' I was raped at 12 for the first time.
I had all boys but now my granddaughter is 12 it makes me feel so sad for the child I was and it's all come back to me. I can't confront my parents because they're both dead now and in a way that's a good thing because I don't have to pretend. Personally I would want to go no contact in your shoes, I blame my parents for neglecting me but if I had been abused and my mother was or even possibly was aware I wouldn't be able to speak to her. Reading your post has made me worry about my DIL new partner. I think all is well but how can I know for sure?

Never leave her alone with your kids

Why are people recommending I don’t leave my mother with my kids? (Only have a newborn right now). She’s been in a stable relationship with her new partner for many years now.

There are no random men in her life and she does seem to love my baby.

It's not just random men who are a risk, and the issue is she's not a good judge of character/appropriate behaviour and likely wouldn't prioritise the child's safety if it jeopardised her relationship.