Apologies for the long story and NC. I'm 42 and have 2 DC conceived via IVF, now aged 6 and 4. I found out I was pregnant unexpectedly last year and I just couldn't cope, I was physically very unwell, sick, fatigued and almost suicidal with low mood. I convinced myself and my DH and close family that the best thing was to terminate the pregnancy, which I did via a surgical procedure. It was one of the most traumatic and awful experiences of my life and I don't think I'll ever come to terms with how barbaric and awful it was, and the fallout afterwards.
Needless to say I spent several months trying to bring myself out of the darkest months of my life. Guilt, regret, despair. I felt that having another pregnancy would be the only way I would ever be able to move on, but after years of infertility and with my age I never really thought it would happen. I found out I was pregnant again a few weeks ago. I was initially excited but scared those feelings from the previous would return. I'm devastated to say that they have and I don’t know what to do. The reasons I terminated the previous pregnancy in the first place before haven’t changed, in fact they feel even more compelling. My youngest is just months from starting school and I can feel things getting easier, freedom on my days off work and more capacity to give more to my DC with that extra time. Going back to the baby days, weaning, sick toddler and sleepless nights feels more than daunting, it feels overwhelming and impossible. Mine and DH main hobbies are mountain biking, climbing, hiking and running and our DC are starting to enjoy these activities with us. I can see years of us doing these activities each weekend and a baby/toddler would mean all of us being unable to do these in the same way for years.
Aside from the practicalities there’s the financial aspect of a 3rd baby. Back to nursery fees for years and then all the clubs/hobbies/teenage requirements as time goes on. We’ll likely have to pay university fees / equivalent when we are into our 60’s. We can afford a 3rd but it would mean sacrifices for us and our existing DC.
Finally, with my age I can’t help worrying about the risk of a genetic condition meaning they need a lot more care than the other DC do. If I roll that dice again and that happens I’m not sure I’ll forgive myself as it would take so much from my DC.
Even with all these reasons I am struggling so much to make a reasonable decision with my mental and physical health how it is. The other factor is that DH brother has announced they have a baby on the way the week before ours is due. I’d have to watch that baby grow up, knowing I could have had the same. Unfortunately because of how I’ve felt, time has moved on and tomorrow is the last day that I can take the tablets for a medical termination at home. I wouldn’t go through another surgical procedure. I should say DH is very supportive but is in the same dilemma as me. He'd support my decision either way. I’d really appreciate any points of view and experiences as I can’t reason with this any longer.