The most difficult decision I've ever had to make *trigger warning pregnancy choices*

[snowdrops25]

Apologies for the long story and NC. I'm 42 and have 2 DC conceived via IVF, now aged 6 and 4. I found out I was pregnant unexpectedly last year and I just couldn't cope, I was physically very unwell, sick, fatigued and almost suicidal with low mood. I convinced myself and my DH and close family that the best thing was to terminate the pregnancy, which I did via a surgical procedure. It was one of the most traumatic and awful experiences of my life and I don't think I'll ever come to terms with how barbaric and awful it was, and the fallout afterwards.

Needless to say I spent several months trying to bring myself out of the darkest months of my life. Guilt, regret, despair. I felt that having another pregnancy would be the only way I would ever be able to move on, but after years of infertility and with my age I never really thought it would happen. I found out I was pregnant again a few weeks ago. I was initially excited but scared those feelings from the previous would return. I'm devastated to say that they have and I don’t know what to do. The reasons I terminated the previous pregnancy in the first place before haven’t changed, in fact they feel even more compelling. My youngest is just months from starting school and I can feel things getting easier, freedom on my days off work and more capacity to give more to my DC with that extra time. Going back to the baby days, weaning, sick toddler and sleepless nights feels more than daunting, it feels overwhelming and impossible. Mine and DH main hobbies are mountain biking, climbing, hiking and running and our DC are starting to enjoy these activities with us. I can see years of us doing these activities each weekend and a baby/toddler would mean all of us being unable to do these in the same way for years.

Aside from the practicalities there’s the financial aspect of a 3rd baby. Back to nursery fees for years and then all the clubs/hobbies/teenage requirements as time goes on. We’ll likely have to pay university fees / equivalent when we are into our 60’s. We can afford a 3rd but it would mean sacrifices for us and our existing DC.

Finally, with my age I can’t help worrying about the risk of a genetic condition meaning they need a lot more care than the other DC do. If I roll that dice again and that happens I’m not sure I’ll forgive myself as it would take so much from my DC.

Even with all these reasons I am struggling so much to make a reasonable decision with my mental and physical health how it is. The other factor is that DH brother has announced they have a baby on the way the week before ours is due. I’d have to watch that baby grow up, knowing I could have had the same. Unfortunately because of how I’ve felt, time has moved on and tomorrow is the last day that I can take the tablets for a medical termination at home. I wouldn’t go through another surgical procedure. I should say DH is very supportive but is in the same dilemma as me. He'd support my decision either way. I’d really appreciate any points of view and experiences as I can’t reason with this any longer.

If you terminate, you need to get some therapy to stop this from happening again. All the issues making you decide against a third were there before you got pregnant yet you still tried as some sort of healing, but another pregnancy was never going to heal your loss over your previous pregnancy, and that you thought it did is concerning. You need to speak to someone who can process your thoughts.

And please start using contraception.

Seeing as how much you regret the first termination I would not be doing the second. You’ll have a double whammy of guilt and regret.

I think nearly everyone panics when they discover they are pregnant, even if it’s planned and very much wanted. The fact you were trying for this baby shows you did want it. Go with the flow or you really could take a nose dive.

Do speak to your doctor about how you feel though. They are getting better with mental health issues

I have been in a similar situation. I got pregnant very easily and trying, immediately regretted it after the initial excitement wore off. I had bad thoughts, feeling like I could not cope and that it was a big mistake. I couldn't eat or sleep. I asked my Dr for help but they didn't even refer me to anyone. I took termination tablets at 8 weeks . I initially felt relief and vowed never to get pregnant again. But as the months passed my feelings changed and I longed to be a mum. I went to another Dr who listened, and who agreed if I was to get pregnant again I would be referred for counselling immediately and also referred to a mental health midwife . We tried again and I almost immediately got pregnant. Sure enough the same thoughts and feelings came flooding back. They were so strong, telling me I couldn't cope and how bad the future would be. But I had made a pact with myself that i could not have another abortion, no matter what. I had my child, yes I did have severe post natal depression afterwards, but once I recovered I had no regrets and my child brings me the greatest joy . I don't know if it was hormones or something triggered psychologically when I got pregnant, but I felt totally different once the baby was here. The negative thoughts and feelings of doom lifted and all the worries of not being able to cope left. I am so pleased I did not listen to my thoughts and stayed strong, even though my mind was begging me to end the pregnancy. I hope you get through this, contact a private counsellor who specialises in pre and post natal depression. Get referred to a midwife who specialises in mental health, and if needed go on medication. I think you are clearly suffering with a pregnancy related mental health condition, which is magnifying all the normal worries people have when considering a child.

Thanks @Eigen and @YaWeeFurryBastard . I’m feeling I just want to do the right thing for my DC and my family and ultimately I think they’ll get more from us in their further than they would from a sibling.

DH and I have had many long discussions both before the pregnancy happened and in the last few weeks. I did feel that another baby might heal my grief from the previous termination but in hindsight that was a mistake. The grief for that baby will always be there. I also had reasons for wanting a 3rd in the first place - I was one of 4 and enjoyed and still love having 3 siblings around. I thought it would be good for my DC to have a 3rd person around that they could play with and enjoy life with but I actually feel they’ll just mostly find a younger sibling annoying when they’re building their Lego models and playing board games etc.

DH is worried that when I feel back to my normal self I’ll regret the termination and I’m sure I will, but as I’ve said I can’t get past all those feelings in my OP. He felt 50/50 about having another one and I know he did it for me and he said he’d love another one if we had one. The physical side is getting worse and worse so the feeling of wanting it to end is getting even stronger. The regret was so awful last time and I know this is my last chance for a 3rd as I’ll never do this again so I need to be sure that this is what I want.

I agree with the above, if you go ahead make sure you push for the support you need from the mental health team

The bad feelings will pass. Pregnancy isn’t forever and you know how hard the newborn stage is but then it just gets better. If you know you’re at risk for PND start services now. There’s amazing perinatal support and you should take advantage.

I don’t think you should terminate.

The worry is that you will feel the same again after an abortion. No judgement either way from me, three children is a lot and your feelings are common, even in a planned pregnancy. You do not have to justify to anyone having a termination. But you may just start a cycle of feeling exactly like you did before again. So if you decided to proceed I agree with the recommendations to get referred to a mental health midwife immediately via your GP as this is a sign of pre-natal depression.

It sounds like you have antenatal anxiety, both in this pregnancy and in your last one. You wanted to become pregnant but then when the pregnancy hormones kicked in it precipitated an almighty slam of antenatal anxiety which tricked your brain into seeing all the perils, pitfalls and downsides. The last time, you ended up aborting as a result. But the fact you so bitterly regretted it afterwards indicates to me that if you could’ve had treatment for the anxiety you’d have coped with having the baby and raising it. Your decision to try again shows you clearly do want another child but unfortunately are in the grip of antenatal anxiety again which is colouring your judgement.

I suspect the worst thing for your wellbeing long-term would be to terminate this pregnancy too - I can only see that you may berate yourself doubly. Can you seek some urgent support from perinatal mh team? They’ll be very used to seeing this scenario and can offer support with your anxiety, and you may find it easier to see the wood for the trees.

I think in your position I personally would stick with the two as the hard I would pick. But I've never been interested in more than two kids. I would try to take your childhood as one of 4 out of the mix because there is no guarantee at all that it would be as positive for your two kids.

Meanwhile can your dh get the snip, these two unplanned pregnancies are wreaking havoc and my heart goes out to you in case there's another.

I actually had a midwife booking appointment on the phone last week and I said I was struggling and asked what support is available for me. She said there’s talking therapies (for which there’s and 8 month wait) but I wouldn’t be eligible for any specific antenatal help because I’m not taking antidepressants.

I'm not on anti depressants, but was very honest about my feelings at my booking in appointment and was referred to the mental health team. I declined talking therapy as I've never found it very helpful, but I've had a few check in calls from the mental health team which I've been grateful for. If only so I'm on their radar as higher risk in case things escalate after birth.

I had an abortion years ago, before I had other kids. I felt sad & regretful for a few months, until I hit the time the baby would have been born. After that I just felt relief - thank heavens I don’t have a baby! I think for me the reality only hit at that point, that I wanted my life to be as it was, not one with a baby in it. Its not really useful for your situation now but I wonder whether you needed to sit with your decision for longer.

This all sounds so difficult op.

Regardless of what you decide I think you should get your name down on the waiting list for some therapy, and see what online support groups there are for whatever situation is the outcome.

I absolutely understand the regret and then trying again. I had different circumstances, but I have had two, very painful, losses and I tried again very soon afterwards. I recognise now that I had the urge to do so to somehow 'replace' what I lost, but it absolutely wasn't healthy behaviour, and, in a lot of ways it broke me more than it fixed me because I was dealing with pregnancy and the babies when I should have been healing. Things are good now, but it was a struggle for a long time.

I think, in your case, it's going to be choosing the difficulty you can best deal with, regardless of your choice you'll have some regrets.

Abortion will keep your family dynamic as is, but will be deeply painful for you.

Keeping the pregnancy will change the dynamic, and will be a struggle for you in the short term.

I wish you all the best, whatever you decide op 💐

I think making up for your termination is a pretty awful reason to have a child, to be honest, OP. That’s one hell of a burden to put on a baby, healing you.

I understand your urge but I think it’s better resolved through counselling than through having a third child. I’ve seen what parental regret and resentment can do.

I’d terminate in your situation. Babies are bloody hard work, expensive and draining. As we get older the chances of complications and disabilities rises.

If you can’t choose wholeheartedly to have a third child, it’s better not to go ahead.

Get in tough with your GP and get access to counselling. Make it a B priority for yourself.
Pre-natal depression and dysphoria are a real thing and you need to know whether this is what’s impacting you now before you commit to a decision

@BeaAndBen healing from the termination wasn’t my only reason for wanting to try again. I thought having a 3rd would add to our family and be a great addition for our existing DC. I’ve found parenting two relatively straightforward and I felt I’d easily manage a third and be able to give them a good life too. But I now feel that’s wrong and I’m feeling I’ll put us all in a much worse position. It’s so hard to separate my unwell and hormonal feelings from my real self before I was pregnant but I can’t be that person at the moment so I have to make a decision with the situation I’m in now.

Was in the exact same position 25 years ago, including being 40+ and IVF for my first 2. Chose to terminate and I still think it was the best for me for my family. I know it's not a popular decision and I kept it in-house, but rarely think about it - and it took me 8 IVF tries for my first and 4 for my 2nd, so it was a traumatic time for me and getting pregnant naturally wasn't on my radar. I'd just got back to work etc, but the biggest worry for me was my age and the higher chances of a baby with disabilities and I couldn't put that added pressure on my family.

If you terminate this pregnancy please ensure you start some form of contraceptive.
I agree that abortion shouldn't be used as contraception.
Getting pregnant on purpose then aborting doesn't sit right with me , you actively chose to make this baby with your husband, whilst I am very much pro choice this does feel like you are taking the mick to me.

And saying shit like that to someone who is, very clearly, struggling, doesn't sit right with me.

Difference is that ops choice will only effect her, you've made the active choice to kick someone while they are down and broadcast it on the Internet for all to see.

Absolutely agreed @YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun

Horrid post by that person.

@YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun thank you for this.

@TheDeadAndDying I’m not using abortion as contraception, I genuinely felt that I wanted another baby. However I’ve now realised I’m not as strong as I thought. I’ve posted on here for support and advice to find a way through this, I haven’t made a final decision. My mental health was much better before the pregnancy and has massively gone downhill in the last few weeks and I’m feeling very low and not coping well. It’s not as black and white as you think.

thanks to those who have given some heartfelt and really helpful advice on both sides, that’s really what I was looking for.

I don't understand OP. You got pregnant because you wanted a third baby and were happy when you found out so 'sane and well' you for want of a better expression wants this. If you have a termination aren't you going to be right back to square one. The sickness will pass, it's only temporary however had it is, you need to remind yourself of that.

Is it worse to regret a baby and resent them or live with the regret of not having it?

You have to even ask? Of course it's worse to regret and resent a child! If you have a baby that you regret, you harm that child because the resent will filter into how you raise them. If you regret not having a baby, you harm no one.

I wish someone could just take this awful situation away from me.

You mean like how a miscarriage would take the situation away?

You've got the pills in your possession that would effectively do the same job as a miscarriage. I suspect that you want not to have to make a decision to abort and at the same time don't want to deal with the consequences of not making the decision to abort. That's not how life works.

If you would feel relieved if you miscarried, then take the abortion pills and own the decision to do so.

@ChangedWhoIWas this is a good perspective to hear and I really appreciate it as it’s such a similar situation to mine. Do you ever have regrets or have you been able to move on?

I spoke to a councillor after the first termination who I hadn’t realised was from a catholic charity. She said some people regret terminations 60 years later which really didn’t help me at the time.