The most difficult decision I've ever had to make *trigger warning pregnancy choices*

[snowdrops25]

Apologies for the long story and NC. I'm 42 and have 2 DC conceived via IVF, now aged 6 and 4. I found out I was pregnant unexpectedly last year and I just couldn't cope, I was physically very unwell, sick, fatigued and almost suicidal with low mood. I convinced myself and my DH and close family that the best thing was to terminate the pregnancy, which I did via a surgical procedure. It was one of the most traumatic and awful experiences of my life and I don't think I'll ever come to terms with how barbaric and awful it was, and the fallout afterwards.

Needless to say I spent several months trying to bring myself out of the darkest months of my life. Guilt, regret, despair. I felt that having another pregnancy would be the only way I would ever be able to move on, but after years of infertility and with my age I never really thought it would happen. I found out I was pregnant again a few weeks ago. I was initially excited but scared those feelings from the previous would return. I'm devastated to say that they have and I don’t know what to do. The reasons I terminated the previous pregnancy in the first place before haven’t changed, in fact they feel even more compelling. My youngest is just months from starting school and I can feel things getting easier, freedom on my days off work and more capacity to give more to my DC with that extra time. Going back to the baby days, weaning, sick toddler and sleepless nights feels more than daunting, it feels overwhelming and impossible. Mine and DH main hobbies are mountain biking, climbing, hiking and running and our DC are starting to enjoy these activities with us. I can see years of us doing these activities each weekend and a baby/toddler would mean all of us being unable to do these in the same way for years.

Aside from the practicalities there’s the financial aspect of a 3rd baby. Back to nursery fees for years and then all the clubs/hobbies/teenage requirements as time goes on. We’ll likely have to pay university fees / equivalent when we are into our 60’s. We can afford a 3rd but it would mean sacrifices for us and our existing DC.

Finally, with my age I can’t help worrying about the risk of a genetic condition meaning they need a lot more care than the other DC do. If I roll that dice again and that happens I’m not sure I’ll forgive myself as it would take so much from my DC.

Even with all these reasons I am struggling so much to make a reasonable decision with my mental and physical health how it is. The other factor is that DH brother has announced they have a baby on the way the week before ours is due. I’d have to watch that baby grow up, knowing I could have had the same. Unfortunately because of how I’ve felt, time has moved on and tomorrow is the last day that I can take the tablets for a medical termination at home. I wouldn’t go through another surgical procedure. I should say DH is very supportive but is in the same dilemma as me. He'd support my decision either way. I’d really appreciate any points of view and experiences as I can’t reason with this any longer.

Attitudes like yours are the reason why a woman who would feel relief if she miscarried feels guilty for choosing abortion, even though the end result is the same.

No woman should feel guilty for making the best decision for herself and her existing children, no matter what circumstances caused that pregnancy.

I came from a very Catholic family - father joined a seminary to be a priest when he was young.
Apart from my husband, I only told my parents, who both agreed with my decision. And it was a BIG deal for me, but until things like this come up, I never think of it.
I’m in my late 60s now and still feel it was the right decision for my family.

And I feel that keeping it personal was right for me too - others will want to impart their own personal opinion, but it’s you & your family who it will affect, whatever you choose.

I think I will have to agree to disagree with a few of you.
I don't think blindly supporting someone to make multiple bad decisions is a good thing
It wasn't my intention to upset anyone and I wish the OP the very best whatever she decides to do.

It's terrible you've not been offered any MH support. You need to go to your GP and make it very clear how you're feeling. That should trigger the "big red button" for MH midwifery as well as support from your GP; that's the norm for MH issues in pregnancy.

I think you need counselling before you make a decision. I think irrespective of your decision that you need counselling after. Whatever decision you make things aren't going to be easy. It comes down to what decision you can live with.

Im so sorry you are going through this and there is no judgement from me. There's a bit in one of Derren Browns books about how we are narrative creatures defined by story-telling. How we talk and think about our experiences shape us deeply and our stories can be more real than the truth. There are two versions of us, the experience self and the remembering self. To be glib, the experiencing self doesnt want to get out of bed to go to the gym, the remembering self is proud and satisfied and takes joy from being the type of person who goes to the gym. Look up the book Happy.

Whatever decision you make you are going to have to find peace with the story. And it will be so, so easy to create a story that punishes you. If the child is born and has SEN it will be so easy to beat yourself up and blame yourself. Even if the baby is healthy, the inevitable moments of difficulty could be used to say, 'this is my fault etc' and push you into MH difficulties.

Alternatively, seeing the other baby born you could be constantly going 'what if', daydreaming and imagining. If your children fight, you could think would a third have improved the dynamic. It could taint family occasions as you focus on whats missing.

You need to think through the narratives and what you could most find peace with. If you go ahead in those difficult moments with 3 you'd choose to focus on the moments of joy, make peace with the face you cant afford everything but what value you do have.

If you don't go ahead, find solace in the fact you put your family first. You made the decision to accept your MH was not in a place you could guarantee this baby a good life and focus on the opportunities youre providing your children.

Either way, find the narrative and give yourself compassion.

I've nc because this is very personal.

I did what you did. Accidentally got pregnant and had a termination for all the right reasons.
But was filled with regret and need to get pregnant again.
Then chose to get pregnant to fill the void and then as soon as I was pregnant again all the reasons that were why I terminated in the first place came flooding back.

When I spoke to BPAS they said it wasn't uncommon to have a second termination soon after the first. I wish I had better counselling after the first .

Whatever you decide, please try and get counselling now.

@AnotherNameNeeded thank you for sharing this. Do you regret that second termination?

I think the point someone made about how I’d feel if I had a miscarriage is a useful one to think about. I’d honestly think I’d feel so relieved, with some level of sadness. But that wouldn’t be me doing that to someone’s future. I know last time I felt like I’d take away someone’s life and future and that was so difficult to live with.

My experience is awful and I truly hope no one has to experience it in their lives.

I'm 41 and preparing for IVF to have my next child. I had 16 years old beautiful healthy happy high achiever daughter who suddenly died last year. I have an 11 year old as well, but our family is so broken that we decided to have another child.

So my point to you, might be cruel, but a reality unfortunately. Sometimes it's a great idea to have a bigger family (just in case).

I never ever wanted to have a third child because I love my freedom, flexibility and spare finances. So it's a total shock to get into pregnancy, feeding and tantrums in the future...

I think the point someone made about how I’d feel if I had a miscarriage is a useful one to think about.

I'm glad I could help.

I know last time I felt like I’d take away someone’s life and future and that was so difficult to live with.

The baby won't know that it was never born. It won't know that it never got a life and future.

I suspect that the Catholic "counselor" you had last time did a lot of damage.

I'm very much pro choice and every woman has to make the decision that is right for them but IMO you shouldn't have the termination. I wouldn't usually say that to someone but you've asked for points of view!

In your non-pregnant mind, you wanted another child for all the reasons you listed. Now you're a wash with pregnancy hormones you're doubting your decision. You've been through this before, and you know how you felt afterwards, which is why you're in this position now.

You say you're worried that your older children will find them annoying, they might sometimes. They won't have the same interests at the same time. But they'll develop a really lovely dynamic where they look out for the baby, and I genuinely think having a sibling where the resources allow enriches the existing siblings lives.

I wonder if you'd feel some relief over a miscarriage because then the choice is out of your hands. I have no doubt that if you have a termination you will struggle with your feelings afterwards, as you did with your previous one.

No I don't regret it, well not now. I did struggle afterwards, but the reasons for the first termination were still the right ones.

Pay for some private counselling

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can only speak to my personal experience with a miscarriage. I found my pregnancy and having my son after that very healing. It’s obviously a different experience, but it did close the wound for me. I hope you find peace whatever you decide.

I've worked on labour ward for 10y, what your midwife has told you is incorrect. Google your local area and perinatal mental health, you can often get in direct contact. All the best with your decision

Sorry you’re going through this, OP. I wouldn’t have the second termination as I think your pre-pregnancy self wanted this and your post-pregnancy self likely would too. There’s a reason you’ve delayed this long.