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Original poster

Feeling really sad about nursery….

65 replies

SENSAHMama · 25/01/2025 11:41

My ds is almost 3 years and 5 months old but he is about a year behind in his speech, social, emotional and communication development. He has over 100 words but only uses about 10-20 around people other than me and his dad. He is also on a waiting list for an autism assessment. He goes to toddler/pre-school classes (gymnastics, music, dance, football) and a stay and play with me every week so he has plenty of opportunities to meet other children but it is a struggle and other children rarely want to play with him and he can’t communicate with them :(
His speech therapist has recommended nursery as they will be able to help us decide whether to go down the mainstream or SEN school route and they will also be able to apply for an EHCP for us. She also hopes that his speech will come on more in a nursery setting.
I really don’t want to send him to nursery (I have done placements and worked in nurseries that are awful to the children) but this nursery has been recommended to us, the staff seemed really nice and supportive when we went to view the nursery and they have autism trained staff. Our child was happily playing at the viewing but we left him inside to go and see the outside area and when we got back in he was standing at the door crying for me 😭
He has his settling in sessions next week and I feel so sad about it 😞 What if he cries the whole time? What if he hates it? What if he doesn’t make any friends? How on earth am I going to leave him there if he is crying for me? 😭😭 I really don’t want to do it but from what everyone has said it will be the best thing for him and I don’t want to take away the opportunities that he needs to develop 💔 He will only be going two days a week for 4-5 hours and his routine will stay the same for most of the week but I just feel so so sad and guilty about leaving him 😭

OP posts:
Moriquendi · 25/01/2025 11:46

He doesn’t have to go if you don’t want him too. See how the settling in sessions go, but if you aren’t happy take him out. Some nurseries are great, some are dreadful (I’ve worked in 4!). As long as you are providing socialization opportunities through classes and playgroups (sounds like you are doing loads! More than most people) nursery doesn’t add anything else.

Also don’t how his speech would come on more, at home he gets one-to-one attention with you. At nursery it will be 8-1. He will get less learning, not more!

Devilsmommy · 25/01/2025 11:50

I was going to say, would a childminder not be a better fit? I've got a 2.4 year old who has no words at all and he goes to a childminder 3 days a week and loves it. I felt like a nursery wouldn't get him the attention and time to work on speech because of the numbers. He absolutely loves his childminder and is happy to go in and leave me. Maybe this could be an option for you?

MotherJessAndKittens · 25/01/2025 11:50

Bless you. I think most of us have the same worries as you when leaving DC at nursery for the first time and generally children settle after a few minutes. Nursery staff are very experienced in this. It sounds like this nursery would benefit your son especially if the staff can organise an EHCP for him. Usually there is a plan for leaving children for an hour then a couple of hours to get them used to it. While he is there try and have some me time for yourself. Good luck and be assured all mamas have these worries.

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Nix32 · 25/01/2025 11:54

Why not send him to a pre-school nursery setting instead? They often offer 3 hour sessions - so he would go every morning or every afternoon. Much less intense than a full day.

Everydayflowers · 25/01/2025 11:54

Try it and see. If he is not coping after a few weeks you can always take him out. If nursery can help with an EHCP that would be brilliantly useful to have sorted before school starts. If he really doesn't cope in that setting then that's something you've learned.

TickingAlongNicely · 25/01/2025 11:55

When is he due to start school, this summer or next?

Mommybearx · 25/01/2025 11:56

My dc was like this and was referred to speech and language at 3
I agree they nursery should help
Mine caught up enough by year 1.

I wouldn’t say all nurseries are bad - all my kids were fine there, especially at age 3
I had concerns in the baby room but 1.5 and up should be enjoyable

Aligirlbear · 25/01/2025 12:00

It will be incredibly difficult if you have been your DS full time time but you need to do this to give him the opportunity to start becoming less dependant on you. Time will fly by and he will be school age and will need to be separated from you - best to have helped him start that journey.

My friend's DGS has autism and his parents were worried about him going to nursery due to him being upset at being separated from them but ........ after the initial heartbreak of tears it did him the world of good. His speech and communication improved and his socialisation with other children also improved. Of course he still has issues and is now 5 and at school. ( he is in a special SEN class at mainstream ). Nursery also helped them to get assessments, a diagnosis and an EHCP by the age of 5. Many children have to wait much longer / years so the sooner you can get support for the DS the better.

It will be tough taking him and leaving him but the potential benefits outweigh not taking him and personally I think it's worth the upset to give him the opportunity. Ultimately he doesn't have to go and there are other options such as a child minder, but the nursery has been recommended, your health professionals are recommending he goes so I would give it a try.

Your emotions and feelings are totally valid and it's perfectly normal and rational to feel as you do, all parents feel like this when starting their DC at nursery so you won't be alone.

Mabelface · 25/01/2025 12:06

It's normal for any child to cry when they're first left without parents. New environments can be scary. Give it a go. The setting is used to settling children in and you may find that he actually likes it once it's more familiar.

HooverIsAlwaysBroken · 25/01/2025 12:10

Please try not to let this upset you too much. It must be so hard but your son has you in his corner, loving him. That is a huge thing for a child.

have you looked at Montessori nurseries? Ours did not take children under 2.5 (focus on socialising and child led learning) and had 3 hour slots. It was absolutely brilliant.

Ottersmith · 25/01/2025 12:16

Don't do it then. Take him home and continue to take him to activities with you there.

Crunchymum · 25/01/2025 12:19

My globally delayed DC3 was awarded an SEN nursery placement when she was 2.5y (it was a panel decision in the end) and it was SALT who really advocated for us to apply. I hadn't sent my older two until they were old enough for preschool (so 3.5y +) and I felt so guilty but my DC3 benefited so much from the regular interaction with her peers.

She was still non verbal until about Y1 but nursery was huge help with every aspect of her development.

ramonaqueenbee · 25/01/2025 12:20

The reason for nursery is that often children will begin to use a wider range of words when they are trying to communicate in a setting that is not home/with primary caregivers. And nursery will support with EHCP/future pathways as needed, which wouldn't be possible with most childminders.

Be super encouraging with him OP. He will get there!

menopausalmare · 25/01/2025 12:24

It's normal for children to cry when you drop them off at nursery. My 3 year old son was the same. It doesn't take long for them to make friends, settle in and then have a great time. Don't write off nursery, it'll be good for his speech.

Poppinjay · 25/01/2025 13:49

You can apply for an EHC Needs assessment yourself. You don't need a nursery to apply for one.

I'm not aware of any evidence that a child of engaged parents who offer good quality care at home will develop better in nursery. I think it's a myth that children need to be separated from parents for several hours a week for their own good.

If you aren't happy to send your child to a nursery, don't send him. Ask the Speech and Language Therapist what she thinks nursery staff would do for him and make sure you are doing it yourself.

1AngelicFruitCake · 25/01/2025 13:54

If he's due to start reception in September I would say go get him into Nursery, ideally a school based nursery. He needs to learn away from you and see if a setting can help him with his needs.

acheyback · 25/01/2025 14:02

OP i know this feels very difficult but I think you need to give it a try - my LO is behind in speech - started mornings in nursery at about 25 months old and she loves it and her speech has improved. she is an only child and when i see her with the other children i see
that she really needs to be with her peers and learn and grow with them together. of course do all the due diligence about finding a good place and build it up slowly. i also have really valued the support and advice from
the staff. you can do it ! and assess it as you go. i think of these hard things in parenting with a bit of a cool head "this is an experimental thing and we will assess how it goes week by week". that helps me.

ramonaqueenbee · 25/01/2025 16:04

Poppinjay · 25/01/2025 13:49

You can apply for an EHC Needs assessment yourself. You don't need a nursery to apply for one.

I'm not aware of any evidence that a child of engaged parents who offer good quality care at home will develop better in nursery. I think it's a myth that children need to be separated from parents for several hours a week for their own good.

If you aren't happy to send your child to a nursery, don't send him. Ask the Speech and Language Therapist what she thinks nursery staff would do for him and make sure you are doing it yourself.

There's a lot of evidence. To summarise: as a familiar, primary caregiver you know your child so well, can respond to their non verbal communication and also idiosyncratic speech etc To communicate with someone they know less well they have to work harder; that person will also be trained to support speech and development. So pointing at the fridge and saying 'mil' at home needs to become, 'Please may I have a cup of milk' etc etc etc

Also, this is a recommendation made by someone who knows the whole of this child and family's situation; important to keep this in mind and not make assumptions about the whole picture.

1AngelicFruitCake · 25/01/2025 16:10

@ramonaqueenbee

There's a lot of evidence. To summarise: as a familiar, primary caregiver you know your child so well, can respond to their non verbal communication and also idiosyncratic speech etc To communicate with someone they know less well they have to work harder; that person will also be trained to support speech and development. So pointing at the fridge and saying 'mil' at home needs to become, 'Please may I have a cup of milk' etc etc etc

Also, this is a recommendation made by someone who knows the whole of this child and family's situation; important to keep this in mind and not make assumptions about the whole picture.

This is great advice! We don't notice how we adapt to meet the needs of our children and nursery could be a good opportunity for him to be (gently) pushed to express himself more clearly. He'll be in social situations that he'll need to learn to navigate without a parent there.

Mischance · 25/01/2025 16:14

Find opportunities for him to socialise that do not involve leaving him at nursery. You are his parent - you know him best. Do what feels right to you.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/01/2025 16:15

Keep doing settling in sessions slowly - once he builds up trust in the routine and that the staff are friendly he might really like it. Give it a few weeks if you can! X

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/01/2025 16:16

Nix32 · 25/01/2025 11:54

Why not send him to a pre-school nursery setting instead? They often offer 3 hour sessions - so he would go every morning or every afternoon. Much less intense than a full day.

Good idea if you can just do half days

SunshinDay · 25/01/2025 18:24

Op I was going to say my dd had a slight speech delay and I remember enthusiastically telling her key worker all the tips the speech therapist taught me.
She kept repeating, she's going to come in at nursery.
Every single time I went in she was chatting with staff not even looking at dc I think she barely interacted with her unless she had to like story time. She let us down in other ways as well but I was really naive then and didn't quite realise everything they were supposed to do. My dd was 3 so not non verbal.

However, if this place had specialist trained sen teachers then why not just give it a try?
If he doesn't like it pull him out but wait at least a month.
Pop in at unusual times to keep an eye as well.

SunshinDay · 25/01/2025 18:25

*definitely half days

PokerFriedDips · 25/01/2025 18:31

Having regular time in a setting like this is a really important step towards ensuring he gets the right kind of education. He will likely need an EHCP and perhaps a specialist setting and these things will happen easiest with the support of exactly this kind of nursery. He will find the change tricky but change is inevitable as he cannot and will not stay 3 for ever and if you bury your head in the sand now you will find the struggle to get his needs met to be even more overwhelming down the line.

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