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Original poster

Feeling really sad about nursery….

65 replies

SENSAHMama · 25/01/2025 11:41

My ds is almost 3 years and 5 months old but he is about a year behind in his speech, social, emotional and communication development. He has over 100 words but only uses about 10-20 around people other than me and his dad. He is also on a waiting list for an autism assessment. He goes to toddler/pre-school classes (gymnastics, music, dance, football) and a stay and play with me every week so he has plenty of opportunities to meet other children but it is a struggle and other children rarely want to play with him and he can’t communicate with them :(
His speech therapist has recommended nursery as they will be able to help us decide whether to go down the mainstream or SEN school route and they will also be able to apply for an EHCP for us. She also hopes that his speech will come on more in a nursery setting.
I really don’t want to send him to nursery (I have done placements and worked in nurseries that are awful to the children) but this nursery has been recommended to us, the staff seemed really nice and supportive when we went to view the nursery and they have autism trained staff. Our child was happily playing at the viewing but we left him inside to go and see the outside area and when we got back in he was standing at the door crying for me 😭
He has his settling in sessions next week and I feel so sad about it 😞 What if he cries the whole time? What if he hates it? What if he doesn’t make any friends? How on earth am I going to leave him there if he is crying for me? 😭😭 I really don’t want to do it but from what everyone has said it will be the best thing for him and I don’t want to take away the opportunities that he needs to develop 💔 He will only be going two days a week for 4-5 hours and his routine will stay the same for most of the week but I just feel so so sad and guilty about leaving him 😭

OP posts:
Original poster
SENSAHMama · 26/01/2025 23:09

Mommybearx · 25/01/2025 11:56

My dc was like this and was referred to speech and language at 3
I agree they nursery should help
Mine caught up enough by year 1.

I wouldn’t say all nurseries are bad - all my kids were fine there, especially at age 3
I had concerns in the baby room but 1.5 and up should be enjoyable

Did your child cope well in nursery with their speech delay?

OP posts:
fashionqueen0123 · 26/01/2025 23:09

SENSAHMama · 26/01/2025 22:38

We’re getting the 30 free hours so he’s going to be booked in for two full days but we won’t be sending him for the full days and we will probably start on 3 hours when he starts properly 🤔

Show quote history

I agree with this too. We used a preschool & 3 hours was a nice balance and not too long for them.

Original poster
SENSAHMama · 26/01/2025 23:25

Aligirlbear · 25/01/2025 12:00

It will be incredibly difficult if you have been your DS full time time but you need to do this to give him the opportunity to start becoming less dependant on you. Time will fly by and he will be school age and will need to be separated from you - best to have helped him start that journey.

My friend's DGS has autism and his parents were worried about him going to nursery due to him being upset at being separated from them but ........ after the initial heartbreak of tears it did him the world of good. His speech and communication improved and his socialisation with other children also improved. Of course he still has issues and is now 5 and at school. ( he is in a special SEN class at mainstream ). Nursery also helped them to get assessments, a diagnosis and an EHCP by the age of 5. Many children have to wait much longer / years so the sooner you can get support for the DS the better.

It will be tough taking him and leaving him but the potential benefits outweigh not taking him and personally I think it's worth the upset to give him the opportunity. Ultimately he doesn't have to go and there are other options such as a child minder, but the nursery has been recommended, your health professionals are recommending he goes so I would give it a try.

Your emotions and feelings are totally valid and it's perfectly normal and rational to feel as you do, all parents feel like this when starting their DC at nursery so you won't be alone.

I think it’s going to be hard for us both but hopefully a lot less difficult to do a few hours a day 2 days a week now than 5 full days at school with no practice 🤞🤞 Making these decisions is the worst as you just want to do the right thing 💔

I know that we’re going to have to just try it and see how it goes and at least we do have the option to take him back out if he doesn’t cope which we won’t really have at school 😢

OP posts:

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Original poster
SENSAHMama · 26/01/2025 23:36

HooverIsAlwaysBroken · 25/01/2025 12:10

Please try not to let this upset you too much. It must be so hard but your son has you in his corner, loving him. That is a huge thing for a child.

have you looked at Montessori nurseries? Ours did not take children under 2.5 (focus on socialising and child led learning) and had 3 hour slots. It was absolutely brilliant.

We went to view loads of nurseries and about half of them said they wouldn’t take him in nappies or they really discouraged it or they didn’t have enough staff for another child with SEN, 2 wouldn’t even give us a viewing as they had 2-3 year waiting lists and the rest had no space for him despite saying they did before booking us in for viewings… there were a couple who had space but we just didn’t like them. The one he’s going to do settling in sessions at is a 20 minute drive away when my partner isn’t working or 2 busses and a 10 minute walk away when he is as I don’t drive but it’s the only one we could find who has space, will accept him in nappies, isn’t full and can accommodate his SEN 🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
SENSAHMama · 26/01/2025 23:38

menopausalmare · 25/01/2025 12:24

It's normal for children to cry when you drop them off at nursery. My 3 year old son was the same. It doesn't take long for them to make friends, settle in and then have a great time. Don't write off nursery, it'll be good for his speech.

I hope you’re right!!

OP posts:
Original poster
SENSAHMama · 26/01/2025 23:39

ramonaqueenbee · 25/01/2025 12:20

The reason for nursery is that often children will begin to use a wider range of words when they are trying to communicate in a setting that is not home/with primary caregivers. And nursery will support with EHCP/future pathways as needed, which wouldn't be possible with most childminders.

Be super encouraging with him OP. He will get there!

I’m not even sure how we’re supposed to prepare him for it as he doesn’t even understand if I say we’re going to one of his classes until we get there and sees it 🤔

OP posts:
Original poster
SENSAHMama · 26/01/2025 23:41

Poppinjay · 25/01/2025 13:49

You can apply for an EHC Needs assessment yourself. You don't need a nursery to apply for one.

I'm not aware of any evidence that a child of engaged parents who offer good quality care at home will develop better in nursery. I think it's a myth that children need to be separated from parents for several hours a week for their own good.

If you aren't happy to send your child to a nursery, don't send him. Ask the Speech and Language Therapist what she thinks nursery staff would do for him and make sure you are doing it yourself.

I know that parents can apply for them but I think it’s much easier to get one with evidence from a setting 🤔

I think the idea is that he will be around people who don’t understand all of his words and non verbal communication 😞

OP posts:
SparklingSpa · 26/01/2025 23:42

Mine used to have special little back packs and when they came out they started to understand it was time for nursery. They both liked routine so I find 4 half day sessions worked well, they wouldn’t have coped with any longer.

Original poster
SENSAHMama · 26/01/2025 23:47

1AngelicFruitCake · 25/01/2025 13:54

If he's due to start reception in September I would say go get him into Nursery, ideally a school based nursery. He needs to learn away from you and see if a setting can help him with his needs.

He was due to start this September but we applied for the school horn delay so he will be starting in September 2026 instead so that is sorted at least 😊

Why do you think a school nursery would be better?

OP posts:
Original poster
SENSAHMama · 26/01/2025 23:57

acheyback · 25/01/2025 14:02

OP i know this feels very difficult but I think you need to give it a try - my LO is behind in speech - started mornings in nursery at about 25 months old and she loves it and her speech has improved. she is an only child and when i see her with the other children i see
that she really needs to be with her peers and learn and grow with them together. of course do all the due diligence about finding a good place and build it up slowly. i also have really valued the support and advice from
the staff. you can do it ! and assess it as you go. i think of these hard things in parenting with a bit of a cool head "this is an experimental thing and we will assess how it goes week by week". that helps me.

I suppose that is a good way to think of it that it doesn’t need to be a permanent thing and if it doesn’t go well we can stop it 🤔

Do you think nursery has improved her speech and social skills?

OP posts:
Nix32 · 27/01/2025 08:06

@SENSAHMama Just because he's eligible for 30 hours doesn't mean he has to use them.

The original 15 hours were organised is 3 hour blocks because that is what is best for a young child.

The 30 hours are to support parents - long days are not in a young child's best interests.

Original poster
SENSAHMama · 29/01/2025 23:20

He has had his first two settling in sessions and he loved them and didn’t want to leave!! He didn’t cry at all at his first one (we waited in the office so we would have heard him) and he cried when we left 😢 Then today he went in without issue again and we waited in the car and when we went to get him he was clearly fine and didn’t want to leave!! I’m actually quite shocked!! He’s doing a 2 hour session next week over a meal so we will see how that goes but so far it definitely seems to have been a lot harder for me than it is for him!!

OP posts:
OneCalmFish · 23/05/2025 23:51

If you don’t want/have to use a nursery then don’t. My little one had a mare for his settles they took about 8 wks he cried his eyes out, we had to pretend to leave, he did not like us going to the family room, stopped crying within minutes of us ‘leaving’. Eventually he’d shut the door on me. Now in the toddler room and unfazed at all by drop off. Also I was only saying earlier today how much his speech has came on in the year he’s been going. For him it was a great decision as there are no other littles for him in our daily lives and he’s flourished. He’s confident and happy that being said I researched a bit not just parental reviews but also Care Inspectorate reports etc. You are absolutely within your rights to try it and if you feel he is not settling then decline him attending.

OneCalmFish · 23/05/2025 23:53

Sorry didn’t see the date posted! I hope he’s still loving it

mathanxiety · 24/05/2025 02:07

If you don't have to secure childcare for him because you need to work, then keep him at home.

Children develop independence because they feel a secure attachment to a caregiver. It is not necessary to place them in the care of others in a nursery to help them grow and develop.

Keep him home. Go to activities, and work on developing his speech through songs and rhymes and chat.

A PP's suggestion of a preschool setting (limited daily hours) is excellent if you feel the SEN pathway lies ahead for your child.

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