Feeling really sad about nursery….

[SENSAHMama]

My ds is almost 3 years and 5 months old but he is about a year behind in his speech, social, emotional and communication development. He has over 100 words but only uses about 10-20 around people other than me and his dad. He is also on a waiting list for an autism assessment. He goes to toddler/pre-school classes (gymnastics, music, dance, football) and a stay and play with me every week so he has plenty of opportunities to meet other children but it is a struggle and other children rarely want to play with him and he can’t communicate with them :(
His speech therapist has recommended nursery as they will be able to help us decide whether to go down the mainstream or SEN school route and they will also be able to apply for an EHCP for us. She also hopes that his speech will come on more in a nursery setting.
I really don’t want to send him to nursery (I have done placements and worked in nurseries that are awful to the children) but this nursery has been recommended to us, the staff seemed really nice and supportive when we went to view the nursery and they have autism trained staff. Our child was happily playing at the viewing but we left him inside to go and see the outside area and when we got back in he was standing at the door crying for me 😭
He has his settling in sessions next week and I feel so sad about it 😞 What if he cries the whole time? What if he hates it? What if he doesn’t make any friends? How on earth am I going to leave him there if he is crying for me? 😭😭 I really don’t want to do it but from what everyone has said it will be the best thing for him and I don’t want to take away the opportunities that he needs to develop 💔 He will only be going two days a week for 4-5 hours and his routine will stay the same for most of the week but I just feel so so sad and guilty about leaving him 😭

There are a lot of benefits to nursery but I am not sure they help that much with speech issues for an autistic child. I have had two non verbal children with asd so know a bit about it. Being immersed in lang works well for NT children but doesn't really for many children with autism.

I think a good nursery is good for

1. Being around and tolerating others
2. Getting evidence of needs for a school placement or for an ehcp
3. Giving you a break

It sounds like a v part time placement so personally I would give it a go.

• as long as you're aware of what you do you can make then work harder, we did

In the kindest possible way, I think you need to let him go. Lots of kids cry when dropped at nursery, even when they’re used to it. He’s 3.5 and used to always having you there, a lot of kids just get through this stage at a younger age and doing it now will make starting school easier. Gymnastics etc is all good but he’s always with you there and they’re not the sort of activities that require communication skills. Do you read to him and do things like eat dinner together and talk rather than having the tv on in the background!

Two of my DC were like this, I did 2.5/3 hour nursery sessions. I tried a few nurseries until i found the right one.
One DC went to a special needs nursery that had it has lots of puzzles which he was really good at. The other one went to a nursery with a big garden and spending a lot of time outdoors suited him.
They started speech therapy around the same time. Their speech progressed when they were around 4 and they went from saying about 20 words to speaking in sentences. The youngest used PECs when he was around 3.
Weirdly they both started reading really young and the outdoor loving one was and still is really into maths.

I agree with others that your ds would probably be better off going 4 days (Mon, Tues, Weds, Thurs ideally) for just a few hours than a couple of long days. With just 2 days at nursery your ds will have 5 days where he's not there and may struggle to get into the routine of it. He then has a long time away from you which he may also struggle with. Mine went to a preschool and it worked really well for him (ASD).

Op read up about children crying to go in and how when they don't cry any more and why.

What about church Hall style toddler groups? They have slightly structured play times and you can sit and have a coffee and biscuit whilst he does his socialising? They are very cheap, don't have to sign up

To communicate with someone they know less well they have to work harder.

Children can be around a ragne of people they need to communicate with while still being in the care of their parents. Especially if the parent understands that it's important to allow the child to be in these situations.

That person will also be trained to support speech and development.

Highly unlikely to any significant degree in an average early years setting.

SENSAHMama I felt like this about my son too. Speech was delayed and the nursery were concerned. He was displaying signs of needing his vision tested, and turns out he was severely long sighted. I am also a primary school teacher and the first thing we say to parents with concerns is to have hearing and vision checked l. Good luck

Montessori Nursery term time pre school really suited my son with autism. He went from 2.9 months old morning 2.5 hour sessions. He loved the routine and focus. Longer at that age until four would not have suited him. He only did half days at a (different school)Reception as it turned out. His language did develop very well from getting a lot of interaction from his parents and at playgroups too. Don't underestimate the possibility of selective mutism or shyness. Nursery won't make him less shy or anxious and it might make him more shy and anxious.
Your role at this stage supporting his social skills and language is VERY IMPORTANT. Singing, reading visiting talking about what you see out and about...it's all brilliant. Not all parents can provide day in day out and nursery can do slightly better for some parents but not all.

The preschool nurseries my DCs went to had parent & toddler groups linked to them, so settling has always been easy and without tears. The groups took place in the same room and with the same staff so they could feel comfortable there and build attachments with staff and other children, while they were still with me. Also reassuring for me as a parent as I really got to know the staff. Not all nurseries offer it but there are quite a few near me which do, and I'd recommend looking around to see if there are any local ones which do.

I'm not a fan of nurseries (having also worked in them) and would never leave a baby in one unless absolutely essential, but at 3.5 years old he isn't far off starting school and a bit of practice in this kind of setting will be good for him.

It's really hard, but you know you're doing what is in his best interests.

My DD started with a childminder in October, and has also been referred for autism, since then she’s gone from only using a few words, to loads of words and 5/6 word sentences, she even tells me she loves me now ❤️ she’s not quite there yet with her speech and communication but she is flying and it has absolutely been the best thing for her, she has friends and gets to do loads of fun things 😊 you never know, you may find it does him some good.

Is he due to start school in September then if he's 3 years 5 months. If he is I would help him out by letting him try nursery otherwise September might be a shock.

I think the hardest part is knowing that he doesn’t have to go but that he probably should so that we can both get used to being apart before he has to go to school 😢💔 I suppose the idea with nursery from the speech therapists point of view is to get him to a point where he can get his needs met without me or his dad being able to just figure it out most of the time without him having to say much and also being able to communicate with other children 🤔 He doesn’t have any friends in any of the classes that I take him to either…

It will be nice for him to make friends. He might love nursery!

But if he's summer born you know you can delay his reception start if you want ?

I’m not sure tbh as the speech therapist just said nursey 🤷‍♀️ I assume her thinking is that it will get him used to being around a class full of children as that’s how it will be when he starts school/will show us if he will cope in mainstream or not 🤔

It’s going to be an hour one day, an hour the next day, then 2 hours and then a full session (4/5 hours) if he’s settled or settling in sessions will be extended if he doesn’t settle. I think we are going to start with 3 hour sessions for the first week or two when he properly starts and see how it goes as I don’t want it to be too much for him 🤔

It’s so hard deciding what the best decision is for them isn’t it? 😢

He’s 3.5, he’s not just going to spend the day only talking to one adult is he…. There will be many adults and children in the same room as him all day.

Follow your gut feeling.
It's your child,your most precious baby .
Mine went to nursery at 4 +.
Started school 5 + and a couple of them were 5 years 10 months.
Yours is Far too young to start school in September.
Mine are all grown up now,didn't do any harm waiting .
No need to rush childhood along.

We’re getting the 30 free hours so he’s going to be booked in for two full days but we won’t be sending him for the full days and we will probably start on 3 hours when he starts properly 🤔

My son is 3 years and 6 months, has around ten words communicates mainly in a non verbal way, is more than likely autistic (on an assessment waiting list) and is globally delayed in all areas.

I worried so much when he started nursery, and it took him a long time (2-3 months) to settle in. But they are so good with him. They have signposted me to lots of support and agencies. They understand his needs and try to build his skills and milestones. He does require more help that they can give (he really needs one to one all the time) but they absolutely try so hard to meet his needs.

He can't access a lot of the activities, like story time he can't sit on a mat and listen, but he twirls around the group taking in snippets following the actions of there actions. He doesn't acknowledge his peers, but he will play along side them, more recently they have sent me photos of him smiling at another child! Made my heart bounce! Even though he may appear trapped in a little world, he is now happy there, he isn't upset around others and he engages massively with his key worker and the other kids love him!

It's building up his resilience for a primary setting, giving him the opportunity in a safe play space to socialise, develop his non verbal and verbal ques, to develop his milestones, and get used to a setting outside of the home.

If you can find a setting you trust and understand your child, it will definitely help them in the long run. But it takes time and won't always be easy at first.

I work in a nursery, and just wanted to reassure you that it is quite normal for children of that age to play alongside, rather than with others. Also, we have a lot of children who don't speak, or speak much, for various reasons and other children are very inclusive and don't exclude them because of this. Staff at nursery, particularly your child's key person, will get to know them very well and their input will help ensure your child gets the right support going forward.

I think that probably is the best way to look at it. Give it a few weeks and if he hasn’t settled then we can stop and try again in September or something 🤔

I think getting the EHCP through nursery will be much easier than doing it ourselves as they know more about it all

He’s supposed to start this September but we applied for the summer born delay so he won’t be starting until September 2026 so at least that is sorted 😊