When your own DH finds you disgusting

[Flipnflop09]

There's no coming back
This is how I real right now
Currently in tears while he sleeps

Have you watched porn together before? Do you know if he watches it? He may be repulsed by porn rather than you. Porn makes me feel very uncomfortable too and I wouldn't want to watch it. I wouldn't shame my partner for a suggestion of it but seen as he has been drinking it can be easy to lose tact when drunk. Hopefully things will be better when he wakes up.

I'm going into hospital for 4 weeks for cancer treatment the week after.

That's a very long stint in hospital. Does that include surgery and then chemo? It's quite unusual. I do hope you are okay.

I think you could be underestimating how this is impacting on your H's emotions. His head could be full of that - not porn.

My DP has cancer (incurable) and has been through surgery but we've had several years of treatment following that - all outpatient.

It is very emotional, terribly stressful for us both, and maybe your idea to watch porn seems flippant. His mind will be on you and your health I'd assume.

Hang on, hang on.

I don't get why you suggested watching porn, is that a thing for you both?

But whatever, you say you rarely have sex and when you suggested watching porn (of presumably unspecified type) he immediately shut it down because he didn't want to watch gay porn. And then got angry because he imagined you wanted him watch gay porn. How exactly did he make that leap? What straight man assumes gay porn is being suggested?

Sorry that you are facing cancer treatment and that is making you feel repulsive (you're not), but I fear he has issues elsewhere.

It sounds like you maybe over reacting to what he said. If my pissed up husband came in like you did I’d feel annoyed.
Also, could it be that you are transferring your worry about the cancer diagnosis and forthcoming treatment onto this situation? I say this as someone who has gone through cancer this. He is also probably worrying about the situation as 4 weeks in hospital sounds like some pretty major treatment .

Sounds like a very very emotionally charged time, unhelped by booze. Take it easy on both of you OP.

Personally I think he’s probably really concerned for you with what you’re going through, men as we all know are not the best at sharing emotions…..he’s probably actually really worried about you and sex will be the last thing on his mind…….thats how I interpret it anyway, I wouldn’t take it personally I think he’s repulsed at the suggestion at the time of a crisis……also I hope your treatment goes well for you 🙏🏻

I think you're putting words in his mouth there...

Agree. Plenty of men who literally hate all women still get married.
Obviously not saying that’s the case with OP’s husband because it’s an aside.
OP, I hope you are able to have a conversation with your DH and that your cancer treatment goes well.

“Obvs by suggesting the films I mean sex.”

OP That isn’t obvious at all. If you want something, you need to be specific and clear about what you want, not suggest something else instead and hope he guesses correctly what you actually want.

His reaction was weird but your suggestion was also weird if that’s not something you normally do together. It sounds like you need to have an honest and calm talk about this incident and your sex lives at a time when neither of you is tired or feeling under pressure.

So him stropping had the desired effect of making you feel disgusting. It was nothing to do with your suggestion of watching porn together. it was him making his excuse instead of saying sorry love not up for it the night. Instead of having a bloody tantrum.

hope treatment goes well for you.

Maybe your husband has a low sex drive or ED? if so he may have felt you were having a dig. Do you normally watch porn together or did you suggest this out of the blue ? I wouldn't be happy if my husband suggested it to me. Not everyone is a fan of porn.
Pretty sure he doesn't find you repulsive after all he had just spent an evening having a great night out with you. I think you both need to communicate.

@Flipnflop09 I’ve been through cancer treatment and have some insight on how this can impact both partners in a relationship.

Your husband might be struggling with your diagnosis and fearful of what the future holds. He might be finding the idea of sex difficult knowing you are poorly. This is all valid and needs talking through.

Unless there’s a big back story, that he normally treats you awfully etc etc, then I would talk to him and see how he’s doing. I found that everyone asked about me and forgot to check in on him.

I’m sorry you’re so unwell op, and I hope your treatment goes well.
In this situation, I think a lot of the issues can be attributed to stress and worry on both sides about your cancer and upcoming treatment.
I have to say, I find it utterly bizarre that you suggested watching porn and seem to think that ‘obviously’ means having sex. I’d be entirely repulsed by my husband suggesting we watch porn together and would probably react in a fairly strong manner.
The gay porn suggestion seems to have come out of nowhere and is strange but only you know if that is genuinely completely random or whether ‘jokes’ or ‘banter’ have been made in the past from you or otherwise which have played on his mind.

Do you regularly watch porn together? I hate porn and would be deeply unimpressed by a man suggesting that we watch it together. Maybe that explains his reaction?

I think porn is repulsive. I’m confused by post tbh.

It sounds like booze has contributed to a lot of mixed messages as well as the impending hospital stay.

Could you try talking to him when both sober and tell him what you meant? It could be he's worried about that or it could be something else. Either way, you need to talk to him.

Also the lack of sex thing. Although that could be a hot topic so prepare for a blow-up.

I'm sorry you're not well OP but this doesn't make sense. I'd be pretty revolted if not only my DH suggested watching porn but also proposed scheduling it in at a later date, rather that a spur of the moment thing (although that wouldn't thrill me either).

Do you think possibly your dh is a bit sexually frustrated and is absolutely terrified of hurting you due to your treatment? A sort of misplaced fear from him..you know trying to do the right thing with no clue of what to do for the best? I find men are bloody useless in a crisis and over react at the smallest things often through fear? I dunno really. All you need to do now is hang on in there and take care of you ..it sounds like you have quite a journey to go on and it has to be frightening for you and him. I wish you all the luck in the world as you get better x

It sounds like he didn't want to watch porn and overreacted. I don't think you can therefore conclude he finds you disgusting. Though I understand why you're feeling sensitive given what you're going through. Maybe ask him why he didn't want to? And explain how the way he reacted made you feel.

Obvs by suggesting the films I mean sex. We rarely have it - his choice . I feel blown out and repulsive

Why wouldn’t you just ask him for sex? I’m guessing by his reaction you don’t normally watch porn together? So why did you mention watching porn? He might not find you disgusting or repulsive be he might find the idea of watching porn that, or he could be embarrassed or upset you suggested it

Why would you want to watch porn? It's nothing to do with real sex or loving relationships, just humiating and hurting people. Maybe that's why he stormed out - this is his reaction to porn? Maybe you could initiate sex in some less pornified way? Dressing up, role play (NOT BDSM style - that's abusive), spend an evening chatting, playing games (e.g. chess, cards) etc leading to a friendly, lively mood between you which leads to sex?
Also, of course, he may be worried about hurting you when you are ill and this has played into his reaction as well.
All the best with your treatment and hold in there.💐

How are things in the cold light of day OP? You'd both had a few by the sounds of it, and you're about to go into hospital as an inpatient for four weeks of cancer treatment? That sounds like a big deal, and may be now isn't the time to be making big decisions or assumptions, especially over porn, after the pub.

It's not that unreasonable. She suggested scheduled porn - which is a bit weird and not everyone is a fan of porn.

Not necessarily men having sex. Lesbian porn is very popular. Women are gay too, you know.

Could he be gay

It would explain a lot