When your own DH finds you disgusting

[Flipnflop09]

There's no coming back
This is how I real right now
Currently in tears while he sleeps

You’re not repulsive. He dated you, he married you. He’s not disgusted with you.

It sounds like he has some issues going on at the moment. It could be changes to his libido or it might be that he’s so worried about you being ill that he’s struggling to feel sexual with you. Or it could be a million other reasons. I wonder whether the ‘I’m not watching gay’ was more to do with having a reason to stomp off in a huff (how dare you insult his masculinity etc) rather than talk about the real reason he didn’t want to watch it with you and why your sex life has dwindled down to nothing.

I think you need to put this on hold for a moment. You’re about to go through something really shitty ( and I wish you the most successful treatment going). You don’t need to be dealing with this too. Try really hard to compartmentalise it, ready to be addressed again when you’re feeling better. And then it’s time to talk about counselling, whether the issue is physical or mental and whether or not you want to stay in a marriage if this is the future. Put your health first for now.

He dated you, he married you. He’s not disgusted with you.

We don’t know tbf, he might well be disgusted with her. Being married doesn’t stop men hating, disliking or being disgusted with their partners.

OP it’s hard to know where his reaction came from but is porn something you both watch? Why do you think he assumed gay porn?

I find porn deeply problematic and if my OH suggested watching it together, then yes, I would be disgusted, because he knows my views.

However, that's my relationship and my feelings: based on the information you've given, OP, we can't comment on yours.

I hope your treatment goes well.

Is watching porn together something you’ve done before?

The world acts like it’s women who need to be feeling emotionally good to have sex but in my marriage it’s the opposite. So if I have medical stuff, my husband has to recover emotionally before he’d be in the mood. AND his way of declining used to be really awful and leave me feeling repulsive.

I agree with a pp that you and your husband might both be misunderstanding each other and both be hurt. His words and actions sound really painful.

Obvs by suggesting the films I mean sex. We rarely have it - his choice

By suggesting watching porn together were you hoping that it might make him up for it (I'm choosing my words carefully here..)? If so, it wasn't a great move on your part but I understand why you did it.

Is your feeling that he finds you repulsive based on the fact that he doesn't want sex, and this was kind of the straw that broke the camel's back and brought it to the surface for you?

You've lost me ?

Are you actually repulsive to your husband or do you feel repulsive

Hopefully things will be better tomorrow for you both when the alcohol has worn off.
Has he been reluctant to have sex since your diagnosis?

Luckily both me and my DP agree that porn is not anything we want to see. And we don't! I wouldn't dream of suggesting it. But I think sometimes men have an idealised view of what a woman should be. But I have told him that sex is on the Job Description of Boyfriend!

I get that this is all emotional time, with your health and everything, but I don't see how you got there based on this.

It's not here for men to win, that's the rest of the world. Hth.

Sounds like he rarely wants sex and this has massively affected your self-confidence. He is not obliged to have sex but you are not obliged to stay in a marriage that makes you feel unwanted and undesirable.

How old are you both and how long have you bern married? How is the marriage in general? Is he supporting you on your cancer diagnosis and treatment?

No one is saying he must be gay. I read those posters posts as saying it’s interesting he thought his wife was suggesting gay porn (rather than male/female porn).

We don’t know why he’s not interested (he could be asexual, stressed, have ED etc). But his choice of words (gay porn) will raise questions.

It's cute that you've probably typed this out with a smug look on your face thinking this is a real gotcha, patronising little "hth" and all, when it's actually a completely stupid thing to say in the context of my post.

I would be a bit repulsed if my DH suggested watching porn together. Why not just initiate sex if that's what you want?

You misunderstood - he finds your suggestion repulsive, not you!!!!!

In our relationship never would happen, thank goodness we are both on same page porn is disgusting and a lot not even consensual.

Your husband may be feeling very stressed about your upcoming cancer treatment yet be unable to talk about it. Cancer treatment is very hard on the patient but also on their partner. You need to talk gently together. Good luck with your treatment.

That was quite an odd exchange re sex. Nothing you’ve said so far really makes a lot of sense.

You’ve had a few too many drinks OP & upset your DH without meaning too.
when you wake up I’m sure you’ll realise this & it won’t seem so bad.

Why did you suggest watching porn next week? Is that how you usually initiate sex in your marriage? Bit odd. I’d leave the bedroom too.
You’d been out for a nice night and were getting into bed so why didn’t you just suggest sex last night instead of porn next week?

I'm confused too.

There must be a back story here.

Do you usually watch porn to 'get him in the mood'? You've said he has low libido.

Did you 'choose' a gay porn film to watch?

Is your cancer treatment that's coming up the start of it or are you some way through treatment?

Just wondering how he's feeling about it - if he's anxious and worried he might express it badly. Men don't always articulate their emotions in the obvious ways.

I agree

Also- and this is hard to get your head round I'm sure- it can be very hard for a partner to feel sexual when their partner has cancer.

My DP has cancer and I did find it very hard to get past that at first as all I could think of was the tumours inside him. It didn't make me feel sexual.

Is this something you could talk to him about?

Could he even be worried of hurting you, depending where your cancer is and if you've had recent surgery?

Sorry but unless you have a shared history of watching porn together, and a mutual understanding of what it means to you both, then I think the shoe is on the other foot and you’ve offended him.

If my DH suggested it to me I’d feel affronted. Moreover I’d never look at him the same way again as the porn industry is despicably exploitative, misogynistic, promotes violent sex and abusive relationships… and is usually linked to crime. Perhaps he feels people who use it are disgusting and is affronted that you would include him in that number?