If you have said no to smartphones for your DC

[Darksideofthemoonshine]

Can you tell me how it has gone?

DS is going into year 7. He’s not arsed about a phone yet but I know it’ll come. I have been very clear to no smartphones. I don’t mind dumb phone or watch etc, and he will have a laptop for school.

But I have a couple of friends who have given their DCs phones from age 7/8 and keep saying they’ll need it for being kept in the loop, invited etc. I don’t see it that way (also not on the usual social media sites myself and manage fine re invites!) but I’d love to hear from others who might be a bit further down the track.

My dtwins started year 7 this year, neither have any sort of phone. We discussed this at length and I gave them my reasoning and after a few complaints and grumbling, they accepted. They chose different schools and neither have said they feel left out because they don’t have phones. Contact is made via me and their friends parents for weekend get togethers.

Last week one of them told me about awful bullying on WhatsApp that was being discussed among her peers and the said how thankful she was they she didn’t have to be a part of they in anyway. Both have told me they love that school is left at school. I couldn’t come to terms with the fact that my 11 year olds would be freely accessible to anyone in the world once they got phones and I also told them I didn’t want to police their phones and make sure they are always correctly locked down. I don’t want that relationship with them.

I’ve told them we’ll reassess in year 9.

I am extremely proud of how they’ve handled it and I am also so relieved they get to hold onto their childhood a bit longer.

Oh and to add, not all schools allow Apple watches so it la worth checking before you buy one.

@Quornflakegirl fantastic parenting <3

@Jobsharenightmare thanks, this is why I posted, to hear from like minded parents. I want to get more involved but it is very difficult when friends of mine have given their 8 year olds smart phones - feel like I am offending people.

It’s not only a choice between smartphones vs. dumbphones, there are lightphones too.
My teenage nephews say that the idea of a very locked down smartphone is only something parents believe in as teenagers always find a way.

I'm so glad you took it that way I was multitasking and didn't think too much about my word choices but yes I think it's all about finding your allies on this!

@UninterestingFirstPost what is a light phone?

Mine is in year 9 with no phone. School is literally 5 mins away so he doesn't need it for safety. He's got a good group of friends but no wish to communicate much with them outside of school, but that's probably quite unusual, he's quite introverted. Out of school meeting ups they decide in school and details confirmed by parents. He has gaming devices where he connects with friends. I realise he will need one soon as he will want to start being more independent with meeting up with friends etc, but while he's not pushing we're not offering!

This is so refreshing to hear. Parents need to hear that finishing primary school doesn’t automatically mean they need a phone.

I'm amazed at all these parents organising their DCs social lives when they're at secondary school. My DC did have locked down smart phones but as pp said they got around the controls which we know about now they're at university.

Maybe we were just lucky but they never experienced bullying and we did insist on leaving phones downstairs with us when they went to bed.

I think for teenagers, meeting up socially outside school without parents is so important and I would have hated for my DCs to miss out on that.

How did we all manage without smart phones before this?! You said yourself your kids got around the controls. God knows what they viewed on their phones as a result. You’re more worried about their social lives when they’ve been exposed to all sorts - a dumb phone would easily do the same job re messaging.

Just to update a year on-my now Y9 DS is still a very light user of his phone. He will now occasionally get it out to confirm arrangements but it still spends 90 percent of its time uncharged in a drawer.
Thriving socially and academically.

You're assuming all teenagers are the same. Mine could see social media for what it was, attention seeking and portraying a false narrative of people's lives.

They're both happy, well adjusted young adults and doing very well at university and work. They're not particularly naive or easily influenced.

They're now 20 and 23 and social media was nowhere near as big as it is now when they were teenagers.

Also unless all their friends don't have phones they'll see everything that's out there anyway whether you allow phones or not.

Does your child’s secondary school have any restrictions? Several of the schools locally won’t allow smartphones or watches onsite and dumb phones need to be handed in. It means any child with a smartphone has to leave it at home (they are sent home if they come in with it and miss registration, which ultimately results in fines for the parents).

From April, Ofsted will assess how schools in England set and apply mobile phone policies. They have issued guidance saying smartphones shouldn’t be used at any point during the school day. As a result, you might find the technology children have shifts to fall in line with this as the guidance doesn’t distinguish between smartphones, whether they are locked down or not.

A lot of parents where I am opt for a combination of a dumbphone and an iPad (local secondary schools require or strongly recommend children have them).

I think we all managed back in the day because we had landlines. I haven’t had a landline in 20 years! But I would have missed out with no way to contact my friends as none of us lived in walking distance of each other (different towns, no public transport).

I do think having a phone to communicate with friends is important. It doesn’t mean anyone needs TikTok or Snapchat or even WhatsApp. My dc has had a phone from Y7, but not unrestricted and no social media. She is only allowed WhatsApp now (not initially) to communicate with friends, no big group chats. In 2 years, we really haven’t had any big issues. But we are quite strict and monitor things quite tightly and have high expectations.

I do agree that the issues are often exacerbated by the school. Our school is ‘no phones’. They can use them on the bus or walk, but not in the building. Except when they get told to get them out in class to do work. Or are expected to take photos as part of learning with their cameras. Or ours issues detentions via an app, and you don’t know if you’ve gotten a detention without checking the app during the day but you can get a detention if you use your phone the day. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Makes it make sense! Dd once missed a detention because she doesn’t use her phone at school as per school policy. 🙈 I don’t think that’s necessarily an argument for having a phone, but it’s an example of how the expectations are really confusing, even for parents who are trying to limit screens.

Dc1 is in yr 7 and seems to be (largely) ok with a brick phone. He has zero interest in his boring phone but is fairly addicted to his playstation and iPad hence why I'm not keen to add portability to his screens!

He plays online with his friends and has teams on a shared home laptop to access his homework so I don't feel he's cut off. School don't allow any phones during the day at school so he would have to hand it in every morning if he took it to school. He might be missing WhatsApp chats but so far he doesn't comment on feeling left out.

Dc2 will go to another senior school which will involve more connections on public transport so may end up needing a smart phone when yr 7 begins. I'm not happy about that but it might be impossible to avoid. Ironically that school forbids all smart phones from the whole school property unlike dc1's!

You should be able to manage secondary smartphone free if you want to - it is certainly possible at my child’s school. They all need access to a tablet to download apps on at home at least though. If that is the right decision for your family/child then you should go for it. Anyone who is offended by your decision is an idiot.

What do you actually want to avoid? Would you be happy for your child to access messages via WhatsApp on a tablet at home? Is it the unsupervised nature of a phone at school? Or do you just want to avoid any screens/messaging?

What I don’t like about these conversations is the judgement that often goes along with it both ways (and can be seen in this thread in some places). You should make the decision for your family - It is unreasonable to expect other people to make the same decision because it might make your life easier.

For instance, we would never allow games consoles in our household, especially not chatting on the internet via them, and tv time is limited. But I don’t expect that to happen in other households and I don’t judge those who make a different choice. Screens are a fact of life now, we need to teach our children to engage responsibly with them and that looks different in different families.

I am happy with the boundaries we have around smartphone usage with my year 7. Things like no social media apart from WhatsApp, no use of phones outside the living room, no large groups and parental monitoring. We will slowly relax these as they grow. The benefits, given our lifestyle and location, for us outweigh the risks at this stage.

As for what we did in the old days - my parents left me at 12 to go round to knock on friends doors. They didn’t know where I was and I got plenty of cat calling/underage drinking etc as a teen. There were different dangers and risks then but not sure it was better.

So this thread got bumped after a year... So how did it go OP? Your DC is in Y7 now right? What do they have phone wise?

My eldest is also in Y7 and we got him a dumbphone. Seems OK so far. Friends who actually want to stay in touch will call and text to organise things. Whereas I get the impression those big WhatsApp groups of kids are just a load of mind numbing brain rotting crap. Glad he's out of that.
He also has a school ipad so not exactly disconnected from the world, and means he def doesn't need a smartphone in school.

It's never been a battle in our household. You got one in year 6 in the summer, it never went in your room, there was a screen time lock and we had the passcode at all times and I checked it.
My kids are 19,16 and 14

16 and 15 year olds here who have only recently got phones for when they're going out (dh and I had to insist that they have them!). They keep them on the landing at night, and don't have social media except WhatsApp. They're not fussed in the slightest, and don't feel like they're missing out - and are now at the point where they comment on the damage ("brain rot") that phone use causes in their mates. Honestly stick with your guns. I can see how much better off the kids are for not having them.

My son has just started secondary school so we got him his first mobile which is an iPhone, although it’s just an old second hand one (it’s an iPhone 5 I believe).

He has never had any interest before in having a mobile phone.

Although he has one now he barely touches it. He only uses it to text me to let me know he’s got to school ok and then calls me after school to let me know when he’s on his way back home.

He will face-time his friends every now and then but only once or twice a week. He has no interest in WhatsApp and doesn’t have it on his phone.

I have no doubt this will change as he gets a bit older but for now I’m just enjoying the fact that his nonchalance means it’s one less battle to face 🤣

Op, I started a similar thread for my dc going into y7, because everyone kept telling me they had to have a smartphone for secondary school and posters said without one they’d be bullied/left out/not accepted. In the end a few of dc’s friends weren’t allowed on social media so that helped me decide to only get a brick phone, but it still bothered me that the assumption was they had to have one- though not allowed at school now so it was all about social time.

It feels like not many in my dc’s year are allowed social media anyway and a couple have now had WhatsApp removed after some of the chats caused problems - my dc tells me this and acknowledges that he wouldn’t want to be involved in what goes on in the chats.

How can they stop someone bringing in a smart phone - what about kids with bus passes on it? I also track my child using it.

Handing it in is fine.

I would say 90% of my children’s friends have a smart phone.
They have things on it for school. A timetable and home work app and Teams.

They sometimes take photos of work at school. Money for food is also all online and via fingerprint so if it needs topping up they’ll message us - so they could do this via text but they’d still need their phone out.

Bus passes on phones for many too.

Back in the day I’d spend hours on the landline so I don’t mind DD calling friends. They arrange most social stuff on WhatsApp or iMessage groups.
I didn’t allow WhatsApp until year 7. That was mainly because anyone without an iPhone couldn’t join the iMessage groups and so the class group is WhatsApp. It’s mainly stuff about homework.

I am hoping they ban social media for under 16s though.

mine get a very locked down iPhone (text call WhatsApp - for irl people only- music audiobooks) at 13, unlocked at 16 but still some time restriction.

(Under 13 there is a family brick that can be taken to clubs/friends to allow calls home.)
it's been fine for us although funnily the tricky think is actually now having only one under 13 it means our "family" WhatsApp feels wrong/excludes her!