If you have said no to smartphones for your DC

[Darksideofthemoonshine]

Can you tell me how it has gone?

DS is going into year 7. He’s not arsed about a phone yet but I know it’ll come. I have been very clear to no smartphones. I don’t mind dumb phone or watch etc, and he will have a laptop for school.

But I have a couple of friends who have given their DCs phones from age 7/8 and keep saying they’ll need it for being kept in the loop, invited etc. I don’t see it that way (also not on the usual social media sites myself and manage fine re invites!) but I’d love to hear from others who might be a bit further down the track.

Would you consider a very locked down smartphone? From my experience, he'll be in the minority of dc without a phone (In DS' year 7, I think only 1 didn't have a phone)- although quite a few will have a phone with no social media (aside from whatsapp). I think your friends are right about needing it to be invited to things though- lots of things are planned through whatsapp now, rather than text, so he would miss this with a dumb phone. You could get a cheap phone like the Xiaomi (Buy SIM Free Xiaomi Redmi A3 64GB AI Mobile Phone - Black | SIM free phones | Argos), and then install Qustodio onto it, which allows complete remote access to his phone and you can set limits on screen time (or shut the phone completely down when you want him off), block apps, block websites/block the internet, screen calls and see texts. Parental control and digital wellbeing software | Qustodio. It might be enough of a balance so he is still able to stay in touch with friends but in a way that you feel you have enough control over.

Mine aren't secondary age yet, but I work in a secondary school and atm I am planning to go for a very locked down smart phone too as the pp suggested. Just so they aren't 'that kid' with the really basic phone. I know it shouldn't matter, but you know how teenagers can be!

I'm open minded though and my school actually doesn't even allow phone use in school, so it may never be a big issue

We have a Y6 and a Y8 with SEN and they both have very locked down smart phones. No WhatsApp, no social media, they can text and call and email, and play some games (we use Family Link to restrict installation and time).
DD complained about WhatsApp but she's got over it. We'll carry on like this for at least another year for her. DS is less bothered, he'd like Fortnite but he's happy with Mario and Minecraft but with no chat options.

If you feel he has a reasonably good friendship group, and if you have contact with some of the mums, then I think you should give it a go without a smart phone.

My kids have recently started year 7, and I find that they're very understanding and not judgmental about the differences in their peer group.

DS is completely and utterly absorbed on his smart phone. So I have to take it away from him for periods of time to give his brain a break. He is sooo much happier without it.

Unfortunately during one enforced break he'd actually been invited to a pool party- but luckily when he saw the message there was still time to run round for the last hour of it!

But basically between ds and dd, I find I still manage their social life on the whole by arranging things with the other mums. So it's not impossible at all without a smart phone.

Will your ds have a games console? As my ds does a lot of chatting to friends through the PlayStation which I feel a bit better about than the smartphone

Thanks for the feedback.

@struggling24 yes he is allowed to game on the weekends which works well. And does chat to pals on that. Had not thought of that!!

I just worry that getting any form of smart phone is a slippery slope. When they were younger we let them go on the iPad but it ended in such screaming tantrums when it was time to switch off we took it away completely and everyone was happier. I know how addicted I am to my own phone - which I hate and did manage to ditch for a few years when the DCs were younger.

My DD just texts her friends but we do still insist anything more than going to the park after school is done through parents.

My DS will get a locked down smart phone when he goes into year 5 as they are expected to walk to middle school themselves at that age. I'll be keeping tabs on his location and activity but it's the norm in my town, he'd be the only one without if we didn't let him.

I guess I think it just shouldn’t be the norm. If we all keep doing it nothing will change?

We are in Scotland. Mine all know they will not be getting smart phones until/unless they choose to get one as an adult. They have an Apple Watch when they start high school, connected to my phone. This enables them to text, call, check tides (live by sea), have music, use maps. The high school ones have made friends without issue.

@Poisonwood hadnt thought of an Apple Watch!! Thank you so much!

We did very locked down iPhones from the end of yr 6. We found the school required all sorts of apps for homework, lunch money etc. So installed those, allowed WhatsApp, but mirrored it on my laptop so we could keep an eye on it. No internet browser until 15. We allowed tools, but not toys (duolingo, night sky, county library app for reserving and renewing books, banking. But no crossy road, Roblox, YouTube etc). Apps added gradually, but permission required before downloading. Make the thing functional but not appealing or a sink hole for attention. Phones locked at a certain time in the evening, but parents can always be called at any time.

School here are banning all phones during the school day.

It will stop an awful lot of bullying.

DF works in a different country and she has a school app and is expected to message students (who message first) giving a reply day or night - it’s a step too far:

I really wouldn’t if you can keep them off it - it’s a good thing

Watch the recent TV show where kids and teachers handed in their phones for a month

We got a house mobile that the kids can text friends on. This has worked really well.

I went for a very locked down smartphone. It was fine for a while then I discovered he'd cracked the screentime code and was using it as he liked. It's now a constant battle trying to keep it locked down.

My son is in year 8 with no smartphone. He has a dumbphone for texting and so far accepts our rationale. But as another poster has said, he has a solid friendship group from primary, games online with friends so is in touch with them that way, and I have contact with his close friends' parents so he's not generally left out of anything, other than some nasty whatsapp bullying issues that he was glad to be well out of.
Like you said, if we all get them smartphones because everyone else has them, how would it ever end?
He is very tech savvy (does a lot of coding/programming) so I have absolutely no doubt that he'd get round parental controls.
He's the only of his friends at school who has a dumb rather than smartphone, though some of his friends who went to different secondaries also don't so he's not entirely alone in it.

I’m confident this is what would happen to us and then I think it’s be too late - as I would have already relented

My year 8 manages fine without a phone by his own choice. He’s got one (with no Snapchat or social media) but it rarely gets turned on-it’s been in the kitchen drawer since before Christmas.
He has a good social life through organised activities and sometimes talks to his friends on Xbox. His friends see it as a a bit odd but don’t give him any grief and will get their parents to text me (or some text me themselves!) if they want to meet up. He probably misses out on some social stuff but he also misses out on the bullying, drama and brain rot that he sees affecting his peers every day.
He has a school iPad for homework etc.
We both know he will have to enter the world of phones at some point in the next couple of years but I’m so glad that he’s avoided it this long! My older daughter wasn’t so lucky and has had endless issues caused/exacerbated by her phone. I regret ever letting her have one.

I know three families that don't have them through my dc.

One is the child's choice
Other two begged their friends for an old one, and swap the SIM card when they want to use it so they do have one but without any parent controls. Parents have no idea.

It is harder to break it with Android - there's no one code for all apps like there is with an iPhone.
But you can keep changing it too.

I waited until he was in year 8 and then only for homework or on weekends. Now he is in year 10 he takes it to school on days that he travels by himself. But on weekdays only to be used for homework. I also have it connected to my phone so I can see everything downloaded.

Could you tell me more about this, please? This sounds like a clever solution. I'm not clear on how you draw a line between "your stuff, my stuff" - does their watch notify for every one of your phone calls for example?

I have a 13.5 year old who has had a smartphone since year 7, I actually think she would have missed out if she didn't have one. In fact one of her friends didn't and yeah she didn't miss out on invites because parents could communicate with her parents, but she missed out on the out of school chats and just random "meet at the park in an hour" type occasions.
We still have parental controls on her devices and can see everything, she needs us to put in a password to download apps etc.
She does need it for school stuff too, like they aren't allowed it during the school day (which I agree with) but they have an app for school communication and she uses it for her bus pass and bus timetables for getting home.
I don't read her messages anymore but did do spot checks when she was younger.
I just feel like smartphones are here now, we can't turn back time. But we can teach children about being safe online and we can use the many parental control systems available.

My youngest is 10 and in year 5, she doesn't have a mobile yet and I don't think she needs one. We will be waiting until year 7. In her friend group only one or two have a mobile so far.

@user2848502016 I fully hear what you are saying, but my choice is not to opt for smartphone simply because they are here. Teaching children to be safe doesn't get around the issue of how addictive phones are.

I am ok with missing out on out of school chats and random "meet at the park in an hour" type occasions if it means not living life via a phone (at least while still under 16). I also think if they are that good pals why wouldn't they send a message to let them in on the plan anyway.

Really shocked the school uses an app for comms with the students!! I guess for some kids there is simply no getting away from it all.

I'm keeping up the battle. It's not too late but it is difficult to keep parental controls working. Ie an educational app we let him have turned out to have unlimited access to YouTube through its videos. With no history! So that had to go. I've locked it down with a new code and taken nearly everything off- it has no photos, no siri, no App Store, no safari. I do let him have Apple Music, maps, school email, ordinary messaging and calls. I think I'm currently winning the battle 💪🏽 but I applaud every parent who just says no and makes it the new norm

No one is that kid if you lobby the school to sign up to smartphone free childhoods. Join forces and share Dispatches Swiped. Challenge the ignorance of parents using smartphones and you'll be fine.