How would you feel about this comment?

[JustCallMeEve]

My husband and I were having a general chat about the upcoming working week and I was asking innocuous questions about his plans for his business. He’d said previously that he wanted to retire but needed to ensure he had enough money with which to do so - fair enough. He then said ‘if something happened like we divorced I’d need to know I had enough to live on [as we’d spilt everything 50/50].” I feel hurt that he’s thought about it and said so. He apologised for hurting my feelings and said he was just being pragmatic. (He’s a v logical type, not emotional at all). Would you be hurt by this comment?

Hmmm, this is a tricky one! I’m happily married but when financially planning do also considered if my circumstances changed (including divorce). I suppose I just see it as ‘thorough’ and better to over plan rather than under plan in this regard. Having said that, I wouldn’t share this thinking with my husband!!! I would just say I was being careful to cover any unforeseen circumstances rather than I’m factoring in if we divorce! I think it was a clumsy thing for your husband to say but not necessarily an unreasonable thing for him to think about.

Yes I'd be hurt.
Even if he is a very practical man the fact he has thought about and considered the possibility of divorce would make doubt his long term commitment to the marriage. It certainly gives the impression he is not averse to the thought of divorce and sees it as a real future possibility.

Thank you for replying. I agree it was clumsy but now I’m wondering if it was a bit passive aggressive? Because it’s quite cruel to mention it - better to phrase it as you suggest.

Yes, exactly.

Hope you're okay thats a shitty thing for him to say xxx

It's a weird thing to say. It's means he's thinking about it as a possibility. That is hurtful.

I think it's sensible for him to think like that but clumsy for him to say it out loud

I think it’s a very pragmatic way of thinking and that fits in with what you say about him. It’s not nice to hear but how many marriages end? Just as many as last long term and it’s naive to think otherwise. Also there’s nothing like divorce to screw up your finances, I think planning for it is a good idea.

I don't think he's saying it because he wants to split up. He's just not sugar coating the reasons. Most people would be thinking that but filter out the exact word 'divorce' just because it can sound hurtful. But it sounds like that's just his way of speaking.

Tbh I was hoping to hear this, it’s preferable to my interpretations. Thinking about your comment, the idea of pre-nups comes to mind. Similar principle in a way.

That comment would really unnerve me… I’m not surprised you’re hurt.

I’d interpret it as him planning in case you left him.

He’s saying ‘we’ve got enough as long as nothing dramatic happens, like a divorce.’

Many couples do struggle to adjust. Or even just need more than they thought to give each other space.

If he's the type of person who is practical and thinks ahead for all eventualities then this is just that. It's not meant to be hurtful.

Some people plan their own funeral. Doesn't mean they want to die soon.

He's probably also thought about making sure the family has enough money to get by on if he dies young.

Obviously it's not expected but it's in the "prepare for all eventualities" category of stuff.

If he doesn't however have life cover on himself I'd be worried....

I would feel hurt.
Say that he wants to feel comfortable in case of health emergency would be ok but not a divorce.
I would try to return him his comment back at some point something along the line “I want to start doing running again to have a hobby at least if something happens like we divorce” or “ I want to increase my hours to get more secure income if something happens like we divorce” and see how he reacts, not for a quarrel but more for a conversation if you think that it’s his clumsy way to express himself.
Of course don’t tell him anything if you think it’s his long term goal and he is planning for it.

Have you never seriously thought about how you would cope financially if you separated / divorced, I would think it’s something has possibly thought of at some point or another

Have you honestly never thought about how you would cope financially if you separated / divorced?

I was divorced from my first husband and I was left widowed by my second.
In neither marriage did I ever think of the financial consequences of divorce. I lived my life on the basis marriage was to last. I ended up leaving my first husband to survive and certainly hadn't done any planning, financial or otherwise, prior to walking out.

I have honestly never given this a thought.

That surprises me as it’s something I would think of as soon as I would have agreed to things like joint mortgages eta…. What would happen if we split
Its also something I would think about if I had to take time off to mind a baby etc… what would happen to my career and therefore my finances and future and where would I be left if we split
I personally don’t know how people cannot think about these things

We have talked about it.

Plus if one of you dies and the other outlives by many years you have all the bills to pay but less money. DH and I receive half of each others pensions. It’s food for thought.

I can't decide whether I'm impressed or horrified by those who have never considered what would happen if they split! My parents divorced when I was very young, and it was a big feature of my childhood, so I maybe am more aware than most of the consequences of dicorce, but it also came up when we were making wills and sorting life insurance etc so I would have had to think about it at that stage.

Plus my kids have asked! I mean we didn't give them detailed plans, but their friends' parents split and they wanted realistic reassurance (beyond 'we won't', I mean) so it was good to be able to discuss it openly for their benefit.

50% of marriages fail. Thinking about potential financial impact makes more sense than a writing a will incase of a bereavement etc and we all think that is sensible.

Plenty of people get prenuptial agreements going into a marriage too.

I’ve certainly thought about it, and I’ve been, very happily, with DH since 1992. We’ve seen friends divorce and there being merry hell over successful businesses they’d set up together etc.

I think it’s a perfectly normal and wise thing to think about