How would you feel about this comment?

[JustCallMeEve]

My husband and I were having a general chat about the upcoming working week and I was asking innocuous questions about his plans for his business. He’d said previously that he wanted to retire but needed to ensure he had enough money with which to do so - fair enough. He then said ‘if something happened like we divorced I’d need to know I had enough to live on [as we’d spilt everything 50/50].” I feel hurt that he’s thought about it and said so. He apologised for hurting my feelings and said he was just being pragmatic. (He’s a v logical type, not emotional at all). Would you be hurt by this comment?

He’s sensible to think about it (just as MN posters are constantly telling women to think about it, even if they’re happily married now). It was a bit insensitive to bring it up to you unless it was necessary to explaining what he was doing. I think being actually upset about it is unreasonable. It means nothing at all about the state of your marriage.

It's a practical thing to think but a tactless thing to say. However, I am sure you have friends who you thought were ok and have unexpectedly split and you've seen the fall out and really you can never ever guarantee anything.

Or OP just put him on the spot and he blurted out a daft response without properly thinking about it?

Could be.

Only the OP's DH knows.

As a pragmatic type myself this is the sort of thing I say to my romantic delicate soul husband. He’s horrified and thinks I’m weird. I try to remember to bite my tongue when being, as I see it, realistic about things like death and going into care homes and yes, managing a separation if we had to. I love him and I’m not planning a divorce, it’s just like evaluating business risks to me! I try to remember DH’s sensibilities, but I’m afraid I do forget them from time to time.

So you need to plan equally. Please make sure that your finances, in the event of any non anticipated split, ensure you are financially protected equally. I.e. fifty-fifty or perhaps even a higher proportion if you have done the bulk Of child care to this date. Do not underestimate the impact of childcare impact to finances.

I recently got married to the love of my life, together 8 years, never considered separating. I still consider if I could pay bills on my own/wouldn't take on a financial commitment that I couldn't undertake myself. It's not a reflection of my husband but fierce independence (from being a single young parent). That being said, I wouldn't say to him I think about if we divorced!

He's sensible to think of the "what if" scenario. Why haven't you? Sounds like he has to because he needs to ensure you are financially provided for as well.

He's right tho......hell my brothers wife has insisted on keeping on her old flat in case they ever split (( no dc together and he owned his house outright before they married )) very sensible she is too.

Exactly this.

I’m honestly shocked that there’s a single person who hasn’t thought about what they would do in all kinds of adverse scenarios - planning ahead creates resilience.

Something similar happened to me. Mine said yeah my sister said if we separate my dad would pay for me to get somewhere to live. I knew that second I was done.

Try to take positive, if you split he’s planning for 50-50 so that’s good and he’s making provision. I think he’s sensible but agree saying it was clumsy. I’d talk to him about how you feel for reaaaurance

I'd be hurt that he's thought about it enough to include it in his financial planning, but I suppose people should consider all contingencies. Has anyone in your circle recently divorced, especially one that came as a big surprise? If so, maybe that made him think of it. I know several couples that divorced after many years, once their children were grown.

This is something I’d say to my husband who I adore I actually plan on staying with forever. Practicalities innit!

I think it's naive and silly to not think about what you'd do in the case of a divorce. I also plan for what would happen if one of us were to die, and that doesn't mean I want it to happen.

If he knows you're the sensitive type, it was a bit silly to say it to your face. But having a plan in case of divorce doesn't in itself mean you are considering it likely.

I wouldn't be hurt but I'm quite pragmatic too. I don't plan to split from my DH but I know unexpected things happen. Just like you make some limited plans for earthquakes and fires, you make plans for relationship breakdowns too.

Yes but I wouldn’t say it to him.

These replies have all been very useful food for thought. I have often thought about how I’d manage in the event of divorce - I have a good career but of course I’d be worse off without his income. But, I wouldn’t just say it unless I wanted to really hurt him, which would be cruel. One poster used the word unnerving and that’s exactly how it felt. My parents divorced when I was v young and it blighted my childhood so I’m sure his comment touched old wounds as well as being hurtful in and of itself. I think depending on who we are and our experiences, we all read different things into the comment perhaps.

I guess it’s similar to my situation. When me and new DH bought the house, the deposit was 80% mine. As it came from sale of my house.
We had it written in the deeds if we separated I’d get something like 78% of equity and then split the rest.

It doesn’t mean I want to separate or actually thinking of it. Just being sensible.

I think he's being incredibly sensible and everyone should be thinking about how they'd support themselves in the event of a break up or being widowed.

You only have to read the relationship board on MN to see how important financial security in a marriage is. He’s being sensible. He might be thinking there’s a chance you could leave him. OP you said he’s logical - ask a question and you’ll get an answer - that’s his personality. You’ve admitted that you think about how you’d manage after a divorce, so you’re doing exactly the same as him. It’s just that you would keep quiet about it. But he has a different brain so he just answered your question straight.

You've thought about divorce too

But you've kept the thought to yourself

To use to hurt him (if required)

I'd suggest his honesty is more appealing

We had pets and a mortgage long, long before we married. We discussed and agreed what would happen in the eventuality of a split then - who would have the pets, the financial split due to differing financial input (he was better off than me).

By the time we got married everything was joint. As I said, I have never given divorce a thought - I believe I’m more likely to be abducted by aliens than get divorced. Neither of us have the desire, time nor opportunity to be unfaithful. We work together, neither of us go away without the other e.g we holiday together no trips with friends etc - many would say our relationship is unhealthy because of the amount of time we spend together. It works for us, still completely in love after nearly 30 years. It may be unusual but there is no divorce on either side of the family.

Perhaps turn it on its head. Maybe he feels insecure about the fact that you may leave him. Maybe he was wanting reassurance that didn't need to be factored in.

It wasn't tactful or polite and hopefully you will never divorce, but 50% of marriages end that way don't they?

So does make sense to add it to the long list of distasteful things to consider I suppose.