How to embrace life after trauma

[ColourfulCircles]

Trying so hard to embrace life, look for the joy and be grateful after a traumatic time. Life has changed beyond imagination and although I go through periods of feeling positive I inevitably end up back at feeling just so terribly sad. I don’t want to feel this way. Any suggestions on how to stay upbeat would be appreciated.

I do, I have two sons but sadly I haven’t seen them for over 5 years, since they were 14 and 12. That is part of the trauma.

I think it depends in what the trauma is.

Have you have counselling?

For me, I had to go through my healing, which was combination of therapy, meds, re learning behaviours, and learning my strength.
The biggest thing is I don't let my past stop me doing my best here and now.
You can't change what has happened, but you can do your best here and now.

Yes, I’ve had some psychotherapy which has helped hugely. In fact the therapy helped me realise the situation I was in and gave me the courage to leave my coercive ex husband. Sadly my sons were heartbroken at the ending of our marriage and have refused contact with me since.
I’ve had further therapy including EMDR since I escaped the coercive relationship however the absence of contact from my sons is hurting me so much that I find it hard to carry on. I do carry on, as I have no option, I have a fulfilling job which helps enormously but the weekends are hard as I have more time to reflect on how much I miss them and worry about them.

OneLuckyHare, I agree and I have spent the last 5 years doing all I can to change things, without success. I have no options left. They refuse contact and there is nothing I can do to change that. I wish so much that there was a way.

DaftyLsss, you sound strong and I agree. I have tried this strategy and to an extreme it works but I can’t help but return to a feeling of grief that I don’t see or know anything about my sons.

I meant to an extent it works.

I'm sorry about the situation with your sons. I would not give up hope. Keep writing, sending cards etc. just enough to let them know you are thinking of them.

In the meantime, I'd get myself to the library/bookshop and get some books, maybe autobiographies, about people who have been through adversity and trauma. Anything, people who've been very sick or lost people, polar explorers, Holocaust survivors, whatever. I think it might help you work out how to rebuild.

OneLuckyHare they were 12 and 14 when I last saw them, they’re now 17 and 19. Unfortunately the Courts cannot force children of that age to see a parent,

@OneLuckyHare the sons were 14 and 12 last time the OP saw them so would be 19 and 17 now

Haroldwilson, thank you, yes these sorts of books do help. I have found solace and inspiration in Edith Eger, Viktor Frankl and Primo Levi’s writings.

Thank you, that’s correct TheOliveFinch. One of my issues is that many people do judge a mother who doesn’t see her children. I would do anything to see my sons again, they were the light of my world. It is not my choice. I escaped an abusive situation and sought the help of the authorities but due to the ages of my boys, they were allowed to make their own choices.

@ColourfulCircles I really do sympathise and suspect there would have been coercion from their dad to influence your son’s decision. It is so difficult to move on when your trauma is unresolved , I have had a lot of trauma some of which is ongoing , a lot of counselling and mindfulness have helped but it can always rear up at times although there are lots of good times as well

I'd tackle it several ways.

Be kind to yourself because you've been through a lot. So if you don't feel upto doing much, that's fine. When you feel upto it, do more.

If you've got feelings of persistent sadness and you can't change the situation that causes it, antidepressants can help you cope with it. Unless you're willing to just put up with it, which is also an option.

Do the usual self care things. Sleep cycle, diet, exercise, showering, housework etc.

Try to change your mindset. Your son's made a decision that hurt you but that wasn't their intention rather a side effect, they made that decision believing it to be in their best interests. They must have missed you to be devastated by the breakup, otherwise they surely wouldn't have cared or might even have been happy. So they made a decision that they believed was right for them, even though on some level it would have hurt them. That shows strong character in them. Hopefully they're the sort of people to make a good life for themselves then and to overcome any adversity. Have faith in them that they are and will be ok.

If you still have an address for them I'd write to them one last time explaining that they're adults now and you respect their decision not to see you so you'll stop trying to contact them, but that your door is always open if they want to discuss anything or form a new relationship with you in the future. Wish them happiness and good luck for their futures. Then stop contacting them and focus on moving on. When they're older, they may return for answers or may see your situation for what it was, with greater life experience and so gain understanding that it was necessary for you to leave. Leave the possibility open but don't wait for it because it may never happen.

You need a hobby for the weekend. You're wallowing and it's not doing you any good. It's been 5yrs and your DC aren't dead. You did what was necessary by leaving your ex. Your DC aren't your life and were always destined to grow up and move away from focusing on their parents. In a practical sense, the situation you're in now isn't so different to people whose DC only visit once a year. It wouldn't be healthy for them to spend the other 364 days moaning and feeling sad and it's not healthy for you to either.

The sadness will never completely leave I don't suppose, but you can learn to live with it, as you've said, you have to. It doesn't need to define you or be the sole focus of your life though.

OP if people are judging you, stop telling them your business. You don't have to go around announcing to people that you're estranged from your DC. It's really none of anybody's business.

"Do you have children?"
Yes two sons, all grown up now.
"Where do they work?"
I'm not sure, they live their own lives.
"Will you be seeing family at Christmas?"
Yes, my parents.
"What about your sons?"
I'm not seeing them this year, they have other plans.
"Do you have grandchildren?"
No signs of it happening yet.

Etc

OP, I love the very inspired advice from @raggedbottomjeans

@raggedbottomjeans a hijack because I like your extended post.
I am living in difficult circs with my disabled ds and struggle when dealing with all those random questions people tend to ask about family etc, in my case it's an instant conversation killer and a massive turn off - people just walk away pretty much.

How would u approach that?

Deny their existence?

Fake they are fine when your heart is breaking for them - as no future, no achievement and nothing to brag about?

Got over tough Christmas period but these questions come up pretty much all the time I meet someone new.

Would be grateful for inspiration.

@YogaLite you have described it very well as trying to pretend everything is fine when your heart is breaking. I tend to only really discuss the really difficult stuff with a couple of close friends or family and with people I don’t know well will change the subject or say I don’t want to discuss it if somebody is being persistent and there is nothing wrong with doing that

TheOliveFinch, I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had a lot of trauma and are still affected. Counselling and mindfulness are definitely helpful but yes it can still show up. I’m glad you have lots of good times, I do too but it’s so tough when it comes back.

RaggedBottomsJeans, thank you for your sage advice. I agree with your thoughts and am kind of already at that point. I haven’t sent that last letter yet but I will. It’s tough but I still have a lot to be thankful for, I know that and am trying to keep that in mind.

Not only a harsh reply but also a wrong one! The children weren't as young as that and they are now adults. Be kind.

To be fair, it may be that if they were in your life, they'd be just as abusive as your ex, having learned from him.

So, sad as it is, it may be for the best.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can imagine your ex had a huge part to play in coercing your boys to turn against you, which is truly sad. I do hope that one day they can open they eyes to see the truth, and open their hearts to be willing to have a relationship with you again.
It's not just trauma you're experiencing, but also grief. You're grieving the loss of your relationship with boys.
You've said you've had therapy before to help you leave that abusive relationship with your ex and come to terms with the fact it was abuse. But have you considered having further therapy to help you process the trauma and grief you're experiencing?
Sadly I think the pain will always be with you, on some level. But that doesn't mean you can't still fill your free time outside of work with happy and fulfilling moments. I'm not sure what that may look like for you, maybe some holidays or special events you can book? I find in my darkest of days, having things to look forward to like trips away certainly help me at times and give me a purpose to get through the sad days. Of course things like this is only temporary, and being able to heal is the real thing that will help lift your sadness.
I hope you know that you did absolutely nothing wrong in this situation. You left your ex to save yourself, but sadly he had coercive influence over not just you. One day things may change, but for now be kind to yourself, look for ways that help you heal and also make some special moments for yourself to help you get through your free time so it's not filled with only sadness.
Wishing you all the best x