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How to embrace life after trauma

74 replies

ColourfulCircles · 12/01/2025 17:19

Trying so hard to embrace life, look for the joy and be grateful after a traumatic time. Life has changed beyond imagination and although I go through periods of feeling positive I inevitably end up back at feeling just so terribly sad. I don’t want to feel this way. Any suggestions on how to stay upbeat would be appreciated.

OP posts:
YogaLite · 12/01/2025 19:50

TheOliveFinch · 12/01/2025 18:54

@YogaLite you have described it very well as trying to pretend everything is fine when your heart is breaking. I tend to only really discuss the really difficult stuff with a couple of close friends or family and with people I don’t know well will change the subject or say I don’t want to discuss it if somebody is being persistent and there is nothing wrong with doing that

Edited

@TheOliveFinch thank u for your kind words 💖

ColourfulCircles · 12/01/2025 19:57

Thank you FrannyScraps

OP posts:
ColourfulCircles · 12/01/2025 20:00

Pinkbonbon, I do wonder that from time to time and I think that may now be the case as they’ve been without my influence for so long . So sad as they were kind , loving and sensitive boys .

OP posts:
ColourfulCircles · 12/01/2025 20:05

CC222, you speak so much wisdom, thank you for getting it. I do have a lovely life with a fulfilling job and wonderful friends and I plan holidays where possible. Things weren’t always so good, three/four years ago I was extremely depressed. I take antidepressants which I find helpful and generally I can find joy but some days are incredibly difficult, my heart simply aches wondering what they look like, how they sound and how they are doing. It is grief, I agree, it’s a strange grief though as I know they’re alive and well, thankfully so.

OP posts:
TheOliveFinch · 12/01/2025 20:14

Yes it’s grieving for how life should have been for you and your children, I do hope your sons reach out to you at some point and your trauma can heal in the future. It’s awful to feel judged by others on top of your distress but real friends won’t do that

MyNewLife2025 · 12/01/2025 20:17

The trauma and grief I’ve had has been quite different.
But the only thing that has helped easing some of that pain is to embrace it. To really fully feel it. Then it seems to get lighter.

I can’t always do that. And there has been times when the only place I felt ok to feel the grief was with my counsellor. Otherwise it was too overwhelming, like it would engulf me.

And there are many times when I chose distraction techniques to be able to get through (I think you’re quite well versed on those).

CC222 · 12/01/2025 20:18

ColourfulCircles · 12/01/2025 20:05

CC222, you speak so much wisdom, thank you for getting it. I do have a lovely life with a fulfilling job and wonderful friends and I plan holidays where possible. Things weren’t always so good, three/four years ago I was extremely depressed. I take antidepressants which I find helpful and generally I can find joy but some days are incredibly difficult, my heart simply aches wondering what they look like, how they sound and how they are doing. It is grief, I agree, it’s a strange grief though as I know they’re alive and well, thankfully so.

You should be very proud of yourself for the steps you've taken to try help yourself overcome everything you've been through. It's still a work in progress, but you've done amazingly to come this far. Be very proud of all you've done ♥️

MyNewLife2025 · 12/01/2025 20:21

I don’t know if that’s your experience too but I’ve number myself for many years, up to the point I’ve sort if dissociated.
Ive found that to feel joy, I can’t be numb. And if I’m not numb, I need to accept to feel the grief too.
It’s only when the grief and the pain coming with it is easing off a bit that I can start feeling joy. Like I need to make some space for new feelings iyswim.

RedHelenB · 12/01/2025 20:24

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CC222 · 12/01/2025 20:28

@RedHelenB You clearly don't understand the kind of influence a man, and an abusive man at that, can have on his sons. I can imagine also at this point in life, the OP would have had no fight left in her when trying to leave such an abusive relationship. And if her sons refused contact, for whatever reason, what could she have done at that time, when saving herself was a necessity? She is clearly in a huge amount of pain. Bashing her really isn't necessary right now...

TheOliveFinch · 12/01/2025 20:28

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Have you had a complete empathy bypass you cannot know what happened and your judgement isn’t in any way constructive

DeepRoseFish · 12/01/2025 20:38

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It makes perfect sense if you know anything about abusive controlling men. Children are used as a weapon.

Charley50 · 12/01/2025 20:51

OP, I've had severe trauma in my life but I wear it lightly. It's happened, I cannot change it, and time truly is a great healer. I rarely think about it now.

I suspect your boys were poisoned against you by your abusive ex. It's incredibly sad but can you try and reframe it in your mind? I honestly think we are lent our children rather than given them. Some will always have their children in their lives, and some won't, for whatever reason; personality clash, abuse, geography, death, parental alienation etc. No judgement from me, I wish you well and hope you can accept the situation and get on and enjoy your life ❤️

raggedbottomjeans · 12/01/2025 21:04

@YogaLite just understand that nobody has rights to information about you. Only a few people like government agencies, the bank, your employer etc has a right to certain information. Everyone else only has a right to what you're willing to share.

In life, people want easy situations, we're all busy and stressed and times feel hard, even though compared to history we've got it easy. People want simplicity, convenience and fun. So if you want friends, that's what you have to be.

Basically, don't open your heart to people because majority of them won't care. Most people are mainly selfish and won't waste their precious downtime and energy on other's misery. So yes, to an extent you have to keep it hidden. Everyone is fake to some or other extent. How fake you are depends on how much shit you have to hide. Just look at social media. Edited positive highlights of people's lives. Not reality. It isn't much different in person. The only socially acceptable answer to "how are you?" is "I'm fine, thanks".

No need to deny your DC existence, but understand that nobody cares what your life is like or wants to know how you/they are. Not even if they insist they do. People can't deal with it and will essentially mentally run away and physically avoid you in future, no matter how caring they seem at the time or how much they say they don't mind listening or that whatever it is doesn't bother them. Those are self serving polite lies, both to spare your feelings and to avoid them looking selfish.

I agree with Olive, change the subject. Speak of the positive and not the negative. If pushed, extricate yourself from the conversation and avoid the pushy ones in future. They're being rude! You have enough to deal with without that. Their desire for gossip doesn't override your desire for privacy. They can fuck off. As you've found out, they'd only take the information and use it for gossip, or it goes in one ear and out the other as they quickly dismiss you as someone who can't add anything to their life. They have no intention of befriending you or being kind, they're too busy doing what suits them, and that doesn't include having to make allowances for disabled people and their carers. You owe them nothing.

There's an ancient quote about being stoical and getting on with life.
"Many men live lives of quiet desperation and go to their graves with their song unsung".
Those who you may envy for their better situation may actually be no better off than you are in life, just for different reasons.

Keep conversation light and fluffy, refuse to have your misery used for others entertainment. You can mention your DC is disabled and goes to a special school and is doing really well there, without mentioning the 3yr legal battle you had to get them a place and how disgraceful it is. You can mention being unable to meet up at the park and offer instead a multipack of ice lollies and an inflatable paddling pool in your back garden for a playdate, without mentioning how you can't ever go out due to your DC unpredictable behaviour.

Before you answer something ask yourself if it will help you for the person asking to know? If it doesn't, brush off the question.

Sure, it means people will end up thinking you're doing better than you are, but what happens if they know the truth? Do they come rushing to help, to ease your load in some small way? Do they heck. They leg it in the other direction!

ColourfulCircles · 12/01/2025 21:27

RedHelenB I don’t know what you posted but I’m guessing it wasn’t kind. Thank you CC222, TheOliveFinch and DeepRoseFish for explaining to RedHelenB. I was a good mum, my sons agreed with that too when they attended mediation (sadly not with me, they would only agree to see the mediator) but they felt too angry/upset to see me and that has been the story since. It’s a classic case of extreme alienation with some other factors in the mix too. Horrific for them and for me I didn’t want to go into detail about my trauma as it’s long and complex, I was more interested in help to move on. I do accept it can be difficult to give advice if the nature of the trauma is not known.

OP posts:
ColourfulCircles · 12/01/2025 21:29

Charley50 I’m sorry to hear you’ve suffered and heartened ti hear that you are now living well. That is my aim and I’m definitely getting there. It does seem to take time though and I guess I get impatient!

OP posts:
ColourfulCircles · 12/01/2025 21:33

MyNewLife2025 I can relate very well, it’s definitely the route through, to feel it fully. I do find though I don’t have much control over when I do and don’t feel it.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 12/01/2025 22:42

CC222 · 12/01/2025 20:28

@RedHelenB You clearly don't understand the kind of influence a man, and an abusive man at that, can have on his sons. I can imagine also at this point in life, the OP would have had no fight left in her when trying to leave such an abusive relationship. And if her sons refused contact, for whatever reason, what could she have done at that time, when saving herself was a necessity? She is clearly in a huge amount of pain. Bashing her really isn't necessary right now...

You have no idea what abuse anyone has encountered on a forum either. However, it is extremely unusual for children to completely abandon their parents in this way.

ColourfulCircles · 12/01/2025 23:40

Yes RedHelenB I’ve been the victim of a highly abusive coercive relationship, one that is too complex to describe. As I said I didn’t want to go into details about my trauma and indeed I didn’t ask to have my trauma questioned which it does feel like you’re doing. I posted as I wanted to reach out for help on how to move on and that is all. You haven’t helped me on that; you’ve clearly made some unacceptable remarks and then come back to point out my situation must be extreme. Yes, it is and yes I have suffered greatly as have my sons. I am now trying to embrace life and live positively.

OP posts:
OneLuckyHare · 13/01/2025 10:16

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daisychain01 · 14/01/2025 05:23

RedHelenB · 12/01/2025 22:42

You have no idea what abuse anyone has encountered on a forum either. However, it is extremely unusual for children to completely abandon their parents in this way.

Sorry, you're talking absolute garbage. How can you possibly know how "unusual" this situation is - you can't.

So instead you're deliberately casting doubt on @ColourfulCircles personal account of their story. Go and grind your axe elsewhere.

YogaLite · 14/01/2025 16:56

@raggedbottomjeans grateful for you comments, thank you 💖

YogaLite · 14/01/2025 17:02

@ColourfulCircles I understand a bit your problem, it's the fact that the issue is not resolved and it's hard to just "get over it".

I think your sons might change when they have their own families and contact might still happen. I would keep writing and not give up hope Flowers

Adisgracetotheforcesofevil · 15/01/2025 15:07

What positive things have you got in life? A new relationship? Good job? Pets? Try to focus on those.

fourelementary · 15/01/2025 15:19

@ColourfulCircles I’m hoping you’ve had some useful ideas. I wondered if your unmet needs could perhaps be met in other ways? You are unable to mother your children but could you mother elsewhere? Like providing respite support for kids with additional needs? Or to orphaned hedgehogs even? Or provide maternal type support to addicts in recovery or on the end of a support telephone line service?

I wonder if journaling could help- write to your sons. They may return to your life at some point and you could let them read these “letters” to your sons… as long as it’s not all about your pain- which would also be okay of course but for your own eyes only.

Could you re-direct your passion elsewhere? Use that pain and make someone else’s life better (and yours?)

I am glad you have many positive things already you sound like an incredibly brave woman. 🌺

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